What do you say to a Mother-in-law who wants to keep husbands EX-wife involved with the family.?

Question

My mother-in-law thinks that my husbands ex-wife should still be included in the family just like she was when her son was married to her. I'm with her son now and this makes me very uncomfortable to think when we go to have anything to do with his family I also will have to look at her as part of everything and deal with her constant presence. My husband does have 2 kids with this ex-wife but to me that should not make a difference in this. My mother-in-law also leaves up pictures of my husband and his ex-wife when they were together and says "I do that because the kids like to see them together." I felt really sick to my stomach over those pictures and to me it is disrespecting me. I have spoken to my mother-in-law about my feelings on this but she told me this is how she wants it to be and to deal with it. My husband is behind me 100% and has told his mother he feels the same way. Right at this point in time we haven't been to his mother's in 1 1/2 years over this. Opinions pls.

Answer 1

I feel for you, my mother-in-law did the same thing. Because of it we never got close and I stopped going there, and so did my husband. After 20 years he has just began to see her more often because she is old and frail now. The ex doesn't go there now, but I never will regardless,. The hurt ran too deep and she means nothing to me. I don't even feel malice, just nothing for her.

PS, the worst of it was that the ex was the one who cheated.....

Answer 2

If you haven't been to your mother in laws house in a yr. in a half why does that bother you? You can't control what someone else does in there own house. You and your husband has done the right thing to stay away. You got a real man behind you. When you married this man. You know he had kids and a ex-wife. Didn't you know the ex is always going to be in the pithier. My husband ex was. So I know how you feel. But I told my mother in law when she there (the ex) let us know and we will come after she gone. And you know what that worked. And she (the ex) will leave the kids at grandmas (mother in laws) house for they can see there father when we come. And the end when we were ready to go home we would drop off his kids back home. It simple. You make sure you and your husband tell mom when she there your not coming. And those picthers she has up there, there really nothing you could do. Do your best to try not to look at them. And if she mother in law from hall brings her up to your husband or you or someone in the room. All she trying to do is get to you. For the short time your at your mother in law from hall house just put on a big smile.Don't let them see you mad. And please don't take it out on your husband. He can't control his mom. Take care

Answer 3

Your mother-in-law really needs to understand that they are no longer together. How old are the kids? I'm pretty sure that by now they understand that mommy and daddy are not together. If you and your husband have already politley asked her to take them down and to quit involving her in family events(she is no longer a part of that side of the family) then their is not much you can do. It sound like you need to start having family events at you house with the family and don't invite the ex. Maybe you shoyuld have your husband speak to her and try to talk some sense into her. It is disrespectful and I'm 100% positive if it was her in you postion she would feel the same way you do. Stand firm with your decision, just make sure your not the only one standing(make sure your husband really is on your side). Maybe even try having your husband say something to his ex. go directly to the problem. The same goes with her as with your mother-in-law she would'nt like it if the roles were reversed.

Answer 4

You are his wife now, seeing pictures of him and his ex together is going to send the kids the message that maybe there is still hope, especially if she is included in family events, which is probably worse for the kids anyway. At least you have your husband on your side, maybe if she doesn't see him for a while and he tells her why she may get the point and back down on her stupidity, it may take years but the two of you have to stand strong, she is probably just old and bored and doesn't have anything better in her life to concentrate on... good luck...

Answer 5

your mother in law still loves her other daughter in law, and there are kids involved. but personally i would see this as disrespect toward u, as for having to see her at every function, she does have kids by him, and wants to still be included in the family, so get over that part, and if u want a relationship with them u will just have to deal with the ex also, cause she was there before u were, and as a result of having grandchildren who are connected with this woman, your mother in law feels her first priority is to the ex, as at any time this ex could refuse to allow your mother in law access to those grand kids. having the kids makes all the difference in the world to the grandma.

Answer 6

First of all my heart goes out to you, you are a very strong woman for putting up with this. I think your mother-in-law is a psycho. She should have more respect for the woman her son chose to marry and the mother of more grandkids if that is to be. This is rediculous that she has created this rift and has outright unwelcomed you into her life. Your mother-in-law has made this situation about her and how she likes things, she may not want to adjust to her son having a new wife and life, and she is making it known. I hope she comes to her senses and realize she will miss out in the end. In all she should be ashamed for acting as a child, and become more mature and sensitive to your feelings. I would say cut your losses, but i know you may want a better relationship with her and i pray in time that will come for you both

Answer 7

well i can relate to your type of problem. my mother-in-law was the greastest women in the world, she too had pictures of my husband and ex-wife and kids up but you got to remember she too was a part of the family, i learned to look the other way and i keep telling myself he is married to me and if he wanted her back we wouldnt be married today.your mother-in-law probably feels obligated to the kids to keep her picture up so you get a picture of you and your husband and kids and put it right up along side of the picture of the ex and know in your heart that you 2 are together now. i lost my mother-in-law 6 months ago and miss her dearly and the ex was at the funeral and i just held my husbands hand and they realized that we are together and not them and they just let it go.

Answer 8

Your mother in law is being totally insensitive to you and your feelings. The ex-wife is silly for accepting invitations to family gathering, knowing that you, (the current wife) will also be there. I feel that your mother in law has the right to invite whomever she pleases to her home, and to display whatever pictures in her home.

However, CLEARLY, it hurts your feelings and she doesn't seem to mind. I applaud you and your husband for not going to her house, you should NOT have to be subjected to pictures of them together or the ex-wife's presence.

But, now, she is your mother in law, and she is your husband's mother. In this situation, try to be the bigger person, reach out to her, extend an invitation to her to your home, host a family gathering at your house. Of course the ex-wife will not be there.

Give that a try, it that doesn't help things, then you can go on with your life, knowing that you at least tried to mend things with your mother in law.

Good Luck!!

Answer 9

I think you need to grow up. your mother-in-law and the ex obviously were close. There is no reason she should have to stop that relationship because you came along. There is no reason why you cannot join them. If you became close to your mother-in-law, she would probably not lean on the ex. She is right about it being good for the kids to have both parents around for family get togethers...but ooops, you have boycotted those.

Like I said, it is time to be an adult.

Answer 10

Gosh.. that would be hard.. I can see your point.. Have you ever ask the Mother-in-Law if you have done anything to not feel accepted? I prob. would buy some pic. of my family and send them to her and see if she sits them around!?! As for her keeping the ex around that's her choice, but you don't have to be around when the ex is at her house.. If mother-in-law has a fit, tell her you respect her decision and she needs to respect yours as to not visiting when the ex is there... One thing I wouldn't do is let the kids know that you are uncomfortable with their mom ..it might upset them,,it is their mom..