How do I stop this?

Question

My ex boyfriend died about 5 years ago, he was my first and only true love. I am now married, but will never get over him. Last night I had a dream that I saw him and sooo on, not typing every detail bc it takes to long, but I hugged him slowly and he hugged me back, and right when I did it hit me ( when I woke up) that he was dead, not coming back, but he really did love me. In my dream I my hubby had walked out of the room but I kept wanting him to come back in to see us hugging. Why is this? And then I woke up and cried myself back to sleep. Now today I'm in a bad mood and really depressed. Why do you think I dreamed this and how can I stop being depressed over this. Time isn't working, and I'm already on depression medicine.

Answer 1

Time is working. You just need a little more.

After some dies there are the occasional dreams that they show up, and the dreams have various "story lines". I have seen for myself how the dreams that show up deal with emotional issues by first dealing with the "top layer" (the most obvious). Over time, different dreams show up and deal with "the next layer down".

I think your dream was about your having him in the back of your mind but really needing to realize he is dead - not just missing or "somewhere else". After people die we go for quite a while not really registering that they are dead. We get used to living without them, missing them, and knowing they aren't here. It takes a while for us to get it "really registered" in our heads/emotions that they are dead. I think part of it is we have trouble believing someone is actually dead. Another part of it may be that our brains allow us not to really "digest" it until we are more able to accept it and deal with it. The jump from having someone with us and really registering in our head that he/she is really dead is just too big a jump for us. I think Nature lets us lay a bunch of preliminary adjusting/mental processing before we eventually "get it" that someone is dead.

I think the thing about wanting your husband to come back is about your wishing he realized what you've gone through. Chances are you feel he has some understanding but not "a complete understanding" of that part of your emotions/grief.

Maybe your mind was tying up some loose ends by realizing that your former boyfriend did love you but that you and he need to finally part now - because you now have digested that he is gone and not coming back.

Five years is generally the point where people who have been gradually getting through grieving have a turning point. It is the point where people may wake up some day and kind of reallize they're mostly over it (as over it as they will ever be).

Any time we have those dreams we wake up feeling sad. Some of what you feel today will go over the next few days.

If you already take anti-depressants you should talk with your doctor about the fact that you continue to feel bad; but remember one thing - that clinical depression and grief are not the same thing. Try to sort out what is depression and what is left-over grief or issues with your doctor.

You need to also talk with someone (the doctor maybe) about how old you were when your ex-boyfriend passed away. There is at least the chance that that particular love was something that comes with youth; and maybe you've got your ideas about what love is kind of clouded by your age or by your level of grief.

Answer 2

You might want to speak with your doctor/therapist about EMDR or EFT. These techniques help us file trauma in a different part of our brains so that trauma isn't so fresh. We remember it but without so much of the emotional charge.

Realize it's okay that you won't love anyone like you loved your ex boyfriend. Our first loves make such an impression on us but that is augmented sharply for you by his death.

Realize, too, that you'll never love anyone as you love your husband. You made room for him in your heart for very good reasons.

Perhaps a way to see the dream is that your ex is telling you he loves you and is okay with you being with your husband and he truly wants you to be happy.

When you say you wanted your husband to see you hugging maybe it means you want to know your husband is okay with your love for your ex. Of course he is. He wouldn't have married you if he wasn't. It's likely that he finds your ability to love and be so devoted very endearing.

Answer 3

The one true love is the hardest to let go of.

I believe that he is coming to you in a dream because he knows you refuse to let go.
He gave you the hug as a good bye hug. You need to say good bye to him. Your husband is waiting on the otherside of the door, and you need to walk through that door. Go to him.
Leave the past behind you. This is something that will, no matter what, distroy your marriage.
Sorry to be so harsh, but, how can your husband compete with a dead guy.

Maybe you feel gilty for falling in love again, but don't. Go on with your life.

Write a heart felt letter to the boyfriend, tell him good bye. This is what he wants you to do. He wants you to be happy, and if you continue to hold on to him, you will never be happy.

Honor him by going on with your life.
Talk to a support group of people who have been through the same thing.
Involve your husband. Let him know that you love him, and you need his help.
And maybe, someday soon, you can be happy again.
You also need to try and get off the antidepressants, they only mask your true emotions.

Please, talk your husband, he needs you to need him.
Never leave him out. If you leave him out of your problems, he's going to feel like the other guy, when he should be No. 1.

My heart goes out to you, and I pray for healing in your heart.

God Bless You !!!

Answer 4

its easy to say do this or do that in your dreams but the fact is; it isn't as simple as that.
Dreams are representations of hidden feelings, of lost, love , belonging, etc.
Something you did subconscienciously reminded you of him.
Somethings don't just fade away, they'll stay with you. you have to find out what triggered those memories and find what You've lost ,maybe then you'll find some comfort.

Answer 5

Next time you dream about him, tell him he needs to move on coz you have. Tell him you are ok and you have someone else to love you in this present time.