My spouse was talking to another women from work on cell phone?

Question

He was keeping it from me. When I found out I confronted him and asked him to stop. He told me it was because some trouble at their place of employment (which I know there are problems) I still had a problem with the calls since he was not up front telling me he was talking with her. He wounld tell me her name - so I did my own investigation and found her name/husbands name and sent him a letter telling him to keep his wife under control. Was that terrible of me to do?

Just to add - I have kept an eye on the cell phone log and he has tolded to her everyday - numberous times for over 1 month. He stated he kept it a secret not to hurt me - if it was platonic - then he should have told me. He even said another reason that her husband was very jealous - WELL that should have been the clue they shouldn't have been talking so much to each other and keeping it secret

Answer 1

Maybe it was a little drastic sending a letter but I wouldnt say terrible. It might cause some friction down the track though. Its not good that your spouse felt he couldnt be honest about the phone conversations though and then wouldn't tell you her name. It sounds like you may have reacted a little strongly however I can understand why you acted. It would be a really good idea to tell him why you're upset about it. NOT that he's talking to her but the fact that he felt he had to hide it from you. YOu need to explain that he's compromised your trust in him by doing this. Try to listen to his side of the story as sometimes we can see things which aren't there but you should listen to what you're gut is telling you. Good luck hun xx

Answer 2

I think you went a little overboard. Until you have proof that more was going on, I don't think involving her husband was the right thing to do. It sounds like you and your husband have a trust issue and I suggest dealing with that between the 2 of you and not involving other people. He should have been more upfront with you about the issues at work and made you aware of the calls. This is an issue between the 2 of you. He probably didn't tell you because of what you might do. Now that it's all out in the open, work on your communication skills in your marriage. I would be more apt to blame the husband than the other woman. It was your husband that was hiding something from you and he should take responsibility for it.

Answer 3

No it wasn't terrible at all and I would do the same thing. There is no reason your husband has to talk to this women about work outside of the workplace, especially as often as he has. Even if he is not having an affair he has to realize that some women can get emotionally attached and then he will be putting himself in a very vulnerable position, and he works with her everyday which makes it worse. Always turn the situation around to men, sometimes it's the only thing they understand. Ask him if he would like u calling some man everyday and then hiding it from him on top of it. He is a married man and should start acting like it. If there is trouble at work they should be talking to the management not each other. I would keep on top of this situation for sure. Good luck and remember no-one deserves to be living with insecurity, that's not fair to u at all and he needs to understand that.

Answer 4

It's hard to answer this because you have a valid reason to be suspicious in that your husband kept it a secret. Marriage involves trust and if he is having secrets from you, involving other women with whom he converses on a daily basis, you should be concerned. Maybe you can meet with the husband and get some answers since he'll be investigating too.

Answer 5

I think it was very wrong of "YOU" to contact her husband in the manner that you did. You don't know him, he could be violent. I do think it was very wrong of your husband to lie and not just be up front and let you know, honey I am goiing to call xxx and talk about this problem at work, there are a lot of people who have platonic relationships. But it sounds also like you guys were having issues before that, this just didn't suddenly appear. You and hubby need to have a serious conversation about what is going on with the two of you at home....

Answer 6

I would have suggested you contact the other woman instead of her husband. If her husband is jealous/abusive, you may have just caused a problem. Other than that, I would not have phrased it as "You need to keep your wife under control." That makes it sound like they're having an affair already. If some random woman called me and said I needed to keep my wife under control for the sake of her husband, I would say, "That's a very serious allegation. Do you have any proof?" I would rather hear, "Your wife and my husband have been spending a lot of time on the phone lately, you might want to check into that." Then I can ask my wife about it, get a complete telling of what's going on from her, and I can decide for myself it's a problem or not.

As to not keeping it from you if it was platonic, there are some things I can only talk to people at work about. If I told my wife, I might as well be discussing nuclear physics. She just hasn't had to deal with these kinds fo things. Some women (and you sound like one of them) have a hard time hearing, "I can't talk to you about this because you don't understand." It's not a detriment to my wife that she doesn't understand that the reason lost two days off is because of a clerical error and that there's nothing I can do. She's never been in the kind of work environment I've been. Explaining it all to her would take longer and be more frustrating than just talking to someone who understands. Sometimes that's a woman. If I said to my wife, "I got a stack of TSCEC sheets this morning and spent an hour on them. Then they complained about me not working on the WC and IR," I would get a very sincere, "I'm sorry." But she wouldn't know what that meant or why it was frustrating. It would take me an hour to explain why, all the time frustrating me more. But if I say that to a friend at work, I'm more likely to get something along he lines of, "Yeah, it's too bad we can't bring up the TSCEC report and IR at the same time. TSCEC isn't so hard as to keep you from doing IR at the same time." See the difference?

My wife doesn't mind if I talk to people like that. Some people do. I was talking to one girl from work about work things, and her fiance was right there, and when she went to the bathroom, he asked me, "Were you hitting on my fiance in code or something?" I had to explain that, no, I didn't like his fiance that much, but we shared something (a job!) which made us able to communicate very well on a subject (work!)

That doens't mean you don't have a reson to be concerned. I did have one girl (a different girl) who took that communication that we shared at work (and I guess she didn't get at home) as meaning we had a deeper connection and she wanted to leave her fiance and have an affair with me. I managed to scare her off. So it is always a good idea to know who your husband is talking to and what about. But to that end, you're going to want to be the kind of wife that he can tell who he is talking to and about what. That means you can't fly off the handle every time you find out he exchanged words with a woman! Get used to it! It's a small world, classrooms, churches, bank lines, and work environments aren't separated by gender anymore. He's going to interact with women. If he feels like every time you hear he's interacting with a woman you fly off the handle, all that leaves as an option is not telling you. If you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, then you do what's most comfortable. Make it not only possible, but easy for him to say, "Yeah, I met a girl at the supermarket. We talked about hockey. She was nice. I think her name was Tiffany."

Answer 7

it sounds like marriage counseling to me if there's nothing going on did you ask him why he was still talking to her knowing her husband is JEALOUS somebody could get hurt be careful, No that was wrong you can't check ANYBODY like that,You were wrong and out of place that wasn't your place it's a wonder the wife didn't come after you,why did you do that what were you thinking about? You need to be checking your husband not them!

Answer 8

You are doing wrong on SO many levels.
Why would you call her husband?
She is not your problem. If you cannot handle his explanation and activity leave or work on it.
The guy placing the call is your issue.
Do you have any idea how petty and foolish you look if he is telling you the truth?
Stop this behavior and deal with your husband.

Answer 9

I think you should have handled it a little different than involving that lady's husband. The reason he probably didn't say anything to you is because he figured you would probably handle it in this manner. Because of what you did, I am sure you have caused all kinds of trouble in that girl's marriage. What about your husband? Are you mad at him?

Answer 10

Well, what to you want out of your relationship with your husband. Can the two of you, sit down and talk things out, or would it be better to have a third party?
Any relationship needs trust to have it work, seems like you are dealing with trust issues, that is important to address.
Can the two of you resolved this? Counseling?