Disagreement with husband...Help!?

Question

My husband and I are having a huge fight over our son. He is 19 years old and wants to move back home. I feel that our home is always open to any of our children. However, my husband thinks our son is now a man and should be able to make it on his own. My husband says he is tried of "catering" to our children and they abuse the privileges given to them when in our home. What are your opinions and what advice can you offer?

Answer 1

Respect your husbands opinion as he is right and so are you. Maybe ask your husband if there is a chance for a conditional stay and let him decide on those conditons.

Answer 2

i guess my first question to you would be why is your son needing to move back home? that would need to be established before figuring out which side of the argument would get my vote. I too agree that your home should always be open, but at 19 he should already have some sort of goal and motivation. and maybe he needs to spend a few months at home to figure out a plan of action, or save up some money. But is he just lazy and would rather be under mommy and daddy's roof? then, I would side more with your husband, that you would simply be enabling him to be 19 until he's 35....which I've also seen happen and it's not cute. ask yourself what will your son gain for staying at home, set some ground rule (time frame, expectations, how long wil he stay, money contributions, ) and stick to it...otherwise he will never leave! i'm 27, many of my friends have done exactly that, and they plan on staying until their parents kick em out!
sorry for the lengthy response. good luck.

Answer 3

Firstly, stop fighting with your husband - you guys have clearly been married for a very long time, so in all this time you guys should have learnt how to communicate and compromise as adults. Once this is done, you can move onto the situation of your son. It depends on what the reason is for him wanting to come back. If he is really trying hard to make it in this world and just needs a bit more support and help, then fine, let him move back. If he is out partying every night, wasting money, being totally irresponsible with his life, not interested in studying/working and just wants a free ride and to live off your neck without making any contribution, then let him also move back. I say this, because clearly he is going to need your support as parents to 'rehabilitate' him. Depending on the severity of the situation, you need to remain firm at all times (by this I do not mean be policeman to your child) just lead him on the right path. It is our duty as parents to teach our children to be self sufficient. and once you have accomplished this, you have succeeded as a winner parent. Help your son...but do NOT let him stand on your head.
Good Luck - I'm sure it will all work out in the end - it always does.

Answer 4

If your son has no drug or alcohol problems, I'm with you. I'd never close my home to one of my children if they needed help. Men are not the same as us mothers though. I know I would keep trying to talk my husband around. You could always like put a time frame on it. Now i would say until he's 21. Try and negotiate with your husband. Good luck, I hope you win.

Answer 5

I want to say that allowing him home would be fine if he's going to be responsible for himself.

If your husband feels they're "catered to" and the abuse the privilege than that needs to be addressed.

After finishing school, we were required to get a job and contribute to the house (pay rent), support our own needs (buy our own personal products : shampoo, soaps, etc ...)

I know a lot of parents take care of kids needs, but they're not kids and I think it's part of being responsible for yourself. Rent does not have to be equivalent to paying for an apartment, but there is definitely a contribution that could be made (if you don't need the money you can set it aside, without saying so, for when they move out on their own) but it's part of teaching responsibility for being an independent adult. My parents did it for us and it's where I feel the best sense came from > though at the time I felt like some of my friends didn't have to why should I - but my parents said "if you think it's unfair then you have the choice to go out and get a better deal as a matter of fact when you find a place that will accept so little rent for all the advantage tell me and I'll move there !!!"

You need to set groud rules and make sure they're followed, if an adult wants to live at home and be "independant" while still relying on parents like a child - then you're setting both up for a truly dependant life

Answer 6

If he needs to move back home then let him. If your husband doesnt want to "cater" for him then tell him he has to pay a certain amount of board and help out by cooking everyones meal a couple times a week and doing his own laundry, that way he will only be occupying a room and not taking advantage of free rent and no washing.

Answer 7

I'm with you, who said 19 your a man isn't that still a teen, but on other hand i see his point to the catering we mother do for are kids no matter how old they are and he's just thinking of the time alone he can spend with you!!! and i think there should be rules like pitching in around the house and having a job too . I'm 39 and i know that i can still go back home to mom and dad. good luck.

Answer 8

Why is your son wanting to move back home? If he's been trying to make it on his own and has fallen on hard times, I would say let him move back. If he's lazy and needs you to bail him out I would be hesitant. In any case you could suggest to your husband that you set some rules for your son if he moves back. Like for one, if he has a job he either pays rent or contributes to household expenses. If he's looking for work he should be doing so actively (every day). He should also clean up after himself.

Answer 9

Disagreement with husband...Help!?

Answer 10

How Do I Talk To My Husband About His Frequent Time Away?