Why can't I forgive my husband for cheating?

Question

9 months ago, my husband was caught having an "emotional affair" with a lady that he formely worked with. They became the best of friends, started meeting for lunch, then heavy passionate kissing... no actual intercourse. I think that it would have come to that, but he was caught too soon. The problem is, he never really gave me any details of the affair. He would occaisonally answer a question here or there, but I am still in the dark about so many things. I might have been able to handle that if every couple months, I find out something he has kept from me, or even something that was a total lie about the affair. He say's " I'm done with that, it is behind me, and I don't ever want to talk about it." "let it go". I tell him that he doesn't have the right to make that descision, I am the one that needs the closure. I offered him that if he would just give me 1 hour to ask him questions, I would never mention it again, UNLESS I find out that he lied. HELP!!

Answer 1

I feel so sad for you this morning, having to carry that load by yourself. He is trying to get out of anymore pain for his own sake, not yours. So what are you doing for yourself? You might need some counseling that HIS insurance would pay for possibly? Group therapy? I know you are the one that hurts the most. Why give him just one hour? I would want to know it ALL until I was through and didn't need to hear it again!!! (I've been through this, so I'm not patronizing you or giving you false pity) I think you need to pin him down and demand some answers, even though he's Mr. I'm Over It So Go Away!! Well Mr listen here-----------------Not Good Enough!! Marriage means you promise you will not be unfaithful. He owes you some explanations and some answers until YOU say stop. YOU are the injured party here. Are you financially dependent on him or have little kids? These things are all on you and HE did the deed. That makes me sick. I hope you have a mom or a close friend that you can talk to. Honey, I thought this was not the place to say go to counseling------------ but GO TO COUNSELING!! If insurance won't pay, call a hotline and find some cheaper services. You are the one who is bleeding and he isn't helping you get past this. He's a coward. (sorry, but isn't he?) (just shut up all you men typing away) You can forgive him someday, but he will have to prove himself first. AND FORGIVING DOESN'T ALWAYS COME WITH FORGETTING. So IF this marriage makes it AT ALL, you will remember this and have to choke it down until time clouds your memory of it and you two have made a new start and some new memories together. Think about what YOU need now and maybe some extra time or a trip would help, along with whatever counseling you find ( It's worth it so Go) The ball is in your court. Be prepared to give him up before you challenge him. Sometimes leaving him is the only thing a man understands!! Start writing down every question you want him to answer all together instead of bringing each one up when you can get one in. Then plan to pick a corner to pin him down and if he wants to save his marrriage he has some explaining to do. Look him in the eye. He sure won't want to look in yours. This makes me so sad AND mad!! Honey, I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. God Bless You. I'll go pray for you right now!! (No jokes you guys!!)

Answer 2

I've been in your shoes before and it's not easy. I too had to put all the pieced in the puzzle together and when I finally saw the end result (the truth), it wasn't pretty. Although the matter has been "solved" in your husbands eyes, it's still very much unresolved in your eyes due to his lack of communication. I suggest you see a counselor that will help you cope with infidelity. You both should also go to couples counseling. Your husband needs to be upfront and completely honest. My question to you is, are you really ready for the whole truth. A lot of people say they want to hear it, but then they can't handle it. Be real with yourself and ask yourself if he never told you another word about the affair, would you be able to put it behind you? Will you ever forgive him? Infidelity is a hard pill to swallow and once a person has broken the trust, it's very hard to gain it back. However, if you both love each other and want to save your marriage, it can be done. Get into counseling ASAP!! Good luck!

Answer 3

There are 2 ways to look at this:

1.) He cheated on you and is trying to sweep it under the rug as quickly as possible so he doesn't have give you any details on how to prevent anything if he's still seeing this person. And by brushing it off he can keep you in the dark. However things seem to keep surfacing and he's just trying to have his cake and eat it too by seeing the other woman and keeping you in line.

Option 2:

He doesn't want to talk about it because he's ashamed and embarrassed he got busted and he's trying to jedi mind trick you into letting it go.

Things happen for a reason so you both need to "own" it. HOWEVER, as YOU are the offended party he owes it to you to get closure but that doesn't mean you get to lord it over him for the rest of his life because then you aren't in a relationship you are in a torture chamber and who wants that?

For you to get past it you need to know certain things. The question you need to ask yourself is why? If you know the details what will it change? If it's the simple fact it keeps growing in your head and you can't get around it and this is a way of getting it under control fine. But if it's just to use as ammo or isn't going to help what's the point.

On the other hand HE owes it to the relationship to tell you and reassure you. Blowing it off is too easy and selfish.

All you really want to know is why it happened (so the both of you can address the issue so it doesn't happen again), if it's truly over, and for him to reassure you that it's over. It's you that he should want and whatever emotion that woman gave him he needs to find that charge in you. Because doubt is terrible company.

I'd also suggest a 3rd neutral party like a counselor and I wouldn't ask him to come. I'd tell him he's going but I'd present it as "we have a problem and if you refuse to see a counselor or address this problem then I can only assume you don't care about this marriage. And if you don't care then the only other option is divorce." it's not telling him he has to come but it IS putting him on notice as to the consequences if he doesn't.

And if he doesn't go then you already have every answer you need.

Answer 4

Once a cheater always a cheater. How do u know for sure that he really didn't go all the way? U say he has lied about other things. I know u are very hurt. Don't let the love u have for him over rule you. U did nothing wrong, he did, and he needs to talk to u about it. U may not like what he has to say so be careful of what u ask him to tell u. It would be alot easier if he would ask u to forgive him. U can't forgive him unless he asks for it. I know what u are thinking. If he loves me why did he cheat. If u don't put your foot down about his cheating and lying it will happen over and over again. Don't blame yourself he is the one that did wrong. Seems to me he is not sorry for what he did. He seems to be mad that u caught him. If he loves u he will try to work this out and start showing u he is very sorry and he loves u and doesn't want to lose u for anyting in the world. U don't diserve to be treated like crap. U are his wife and should be treated with love and respect.

Answer 5

I suggest for you two to go to a Christian Counselor. If he loves you and wants to put your mind at ease then he will agree to go. It will take a lot of hard work to get through this but if you both really love each other and are willing to put in the effort then the marriage can survive. Right now he needs to be doing everything possible to prove to you that he made a horrible mistake and it won't happen again. He should be thanking his lucky stars that you gave him a second chance after what he pulled. If he don't agree to do whatever it takes to get the trust back then you are better off without him.

Answer 6

Emotional is as undesirable as actual and shall we face it if she had not been in a overseas usa it ought to were actual. I did take again a guy who had an emotional affair with yet another lady and recognize it ought to were actual had I not stumbled on out. He acts like that is all interior the previous and forgotten notwithstanding it is going to not be completely forgotten. We communicate extra now, we hear to one yet another extra now yet i'm nonetheless at situations contemptuous of his dalliance in as a lot as he lied.....I had the actual reality he lied. it is going okay to date yet i'm guarded. i recognize i replaced into not innocent interior the entire aspect yet he lied.......and its the lies i discover extra unfavorable than the friendship. Why did I take him again. i'm not completely confident I actual have embraced him completely yet. i'd. i'm speaking at an emotional factor. We pop alongside each day completely amiably. I actual do not recognize what proper is anymore and per chance we settle for second suitable at times. What ever you ascertain I desire you nicely.

Answer 7

I know your saying you want to know details, but really you don't want to know. It's better that you just try to leave it alone. Maybe questions here and there, but promise you don't want to know. It will hurt you. I had this happen to me with my first husband, he cheated all the time, I kept thinking it was me! He's was the looser, he still cheats to this day (I divorced him 15 years ago). I know it hurts but really you don't want to know because whatever he tells you, your going to think he's a liar. Your mind will try to figure everything out and go crazy.

Answer 8

He needs to be man enough to sit down and talk to you about it. It's easier for him to not do this and accept responsibilty for his actions. He cannot expect you to brush it under the rug and pretend it never happened. Tell him he's lost his mind if he thinks you are going to just forget about it, he broke the trust and if he wants this marriage to work out then he better damn well prove he's worth holding on to.

Answer 9

OK, I'm not trying to s**t stir here, but it sounds like he is being very evasive about the whole thing, which leads me to believe there is possibly something still going on. Go with your gut feeling. Take care.

Answer 10

First off sorry to hear about his affair.Second thing you both need counseling.My wife and i have been through the same thing and by talking it over with outsude person both together and seperate we were able to work out everyhtng.Good luck