Is it really 'forgiveness' if you forgive and then want nothing to do with that person?

Question

I have an acquaintance that completely lost my respect and trust due to some things they did. I am over what they did, I don't hate them, and I have gone on with my life.

But this person keeps asking for me to 'accept' them again and work at maybe trying to share some kind of a friendship or something. Anyway, I'm not at all interested because I simply dislike this person and don't see myself getting close with them. They keep saying that I need to 'forgive them' but I keep repeating that I am over it all, but I just don't want them in my life.

It's my life, so don't I have the right to decide who is in it? Or am I wrong because I refuse to accept them because I don't like them?

Answer 1

Yes it is possible to forgive, but not to forget. You have forgiven and moved on. You do not have to be friends with this person to prove that you've forgiven them. Just tell them that you are not comfortable being friends with them.

Answer 2

Yes, it is possible -- and sometimes it is necessary to forgive but to realize too that the friendship has been changed forever. It is not the same and may not even be a friendship any more. I look at it this way: You can still be civil to the person and even "friendly" but the closeness, the time given to one another, and the mutual self-disclosure is over.

You have every right to decide who you want in your life. If there is someone knocking on your door (so to speak) who you no longer trust, then keep that door closed.

Then, having said all of that, a complete cutting off of your former friend may not be in order. You may not be best or close friends any more but you may still want to be casual friends or even acquaintances. You will have to decide that for yourself. If you put this "change in the friendship but still friends" idea to your former friend, and her or she rejects it and wants you back as it was before, then it is time to drop that very controlling person from your friendship web. A harsh thing to contemplate, but it's very true.

Just remember: Forgiveness does not mean you put yourself in a position where you will be hurt all over again.

Answer 3

Of course you can forgive someone and still not have them in your life! Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to keep being their friend. Forgiveness is usually something you do to set yourself free from the pain and resentement and doesn't really have to do with the other person...

So, be free. Enjoy those you choose to share the sacred gift of your friendship with. And it is a gift. Use it wisely, as you are doing.

Tell the person that you have forgiven them for your sake. That still doesn't mean you want them in your life. You know the saying: Burn you once, it's their fault. Burn you twice, it's your own fault.

Good luck....

Answer 4

One can forgive a person, but that does not entitle that person to be returned to full friendship status. Like a cheating spouse, one can forgive the spouse, but that doesn't mean the feelings for that spouse rmain the same. Things change. One thing this person seems to have not done, is own up to their part in this fiasco. After all, a person, being responsible for their own acts should expect nothing from you, since they were the one commiting the act that caused the rift to begin with. This shows that their idea of making it better is simply saying they are sorry. As I teach my fosters, just because you are sorry for something doesn't make it all better sometimes. While its nice to be repentant, sorry and remorseful, that doesn't ALWAYS cover the check. A person who drives home a little tipsy one night and hits a 10 year old on his bike, who is deeply sorry, remorseful and swears never to drink again for the rest of their lives, may be forgiven by society, and jurors may feel sad for the situation, will still impose punishment. And just because a punishment is given and say, the parent of the child even forgives the person, not one bit of any of that, bring that child back. Those parents will forever have to live with that their child is gone and that person, even after serving a sentance, is still alive. Doesn't change the kid is dead, does it? No. So sometimes, saying your sorry may not cover it. And the one who gives the forgiveness is under no obligation to pick up like nothing happened again. That is totally up to the person forgiving what they do. But I think your ex friends idea of self serve to your life really is a bit on the absurd side. What kind of idiot says "if you really forgave me, you need to treat me like your best friend again!" How outrageous! Let this self serving fool hit the curb screaming. I would say to them when they pull this out of their hat, "I have forgiven you, but I have not forgotten how you treated me as your "friend". Personally, I do not need a friend such as yourself in my life anymore, but thanks for the offer. Good day and good bye!" Show them the door and let it be done. It sounds as if you have grown beyond this person and I would simply avoid any further contact with them, and if they persist, a little head on theraphy and exit stage left should cool their jets. Good luck!

Answer 5

I've had almost the exact same experience, except with someone who I was close friends with for a few years until her personality completely changed.

She turned into this person who I didn't even know anymore. She did some things to basically screw me over but I forgave her even though she never once apologized. I don't want her in my life because I can't trust her. I forgave because I know she is weak right now and doesn't know any better.

We all absolutely have the right to choose who we allow into our lives. You don't have to like or except everyone and this person just needs to move on. I don't recommend that you be mean to this person (and it doesn't sound like you would) but there is no reason to be anything more than polite.

You can only hope he or she goes on with his/her life, lives, and learns from the experience.

Answer 6

You are right and this person is trying to put a guilt trip on you. Probably because (s)he thinks that this will somehow make his/her own guilt less important. Don't buy into it.
Forgiving means just what you have done: putting an event behind you and not blaming or hating anyone for it. And of course you are entitled to decide whom you want or don't want in your life. Next time this petulant moron starts whining about not being "accepted" by you, simply say: "Look, I have forgiven you, but I have not forgotten. End of conversation, end of contact. Have a nice life."

Answer 7

Too many people think that you only really forgive them if they can do what they want and not have any consequences afterward.

Just because you forgive them doesn't mean you have to keep them around. It's like a rattlesnake. You can forgive the snake for biting you, because that's what snakes do. But that doesn't mean you're going to pick it up again.

Answer 8

You can forgive ,but it really hard to forget,and if you have forgiven this person,you don't have to keep them as a friend to prove to them that you did,as a matter of fact you don't want to go through the same hurt again,so you move on,it is best to forgive and move on with your life,holding in unforgiveness will make you sick,and while you hating they will be happy.so if you know in your heart you have forgiven that person,well you have nothing to worry about.life goes on.

Answer 9

Forgiveness is for yourself ... it gives you the approval to move on if necessary. You may not dislike the person but you it is obvious you dislike the act (what they did or said). Forgive them and move on. Be honest with them if you are not comfortable contiuing the friendship. Very good for you to recognize the difference! Good luck.

Answer 10

It is okay to forgive and stay away from that person to avoid hurt or harm. Repair the friendship and forgive and forget and stay away and go on with your life.