have been with my wife for 11 yrs. The sex was great when we started out. Now its non-existent and only on her terms if ever. I do everything I can to make her happy and show her I love her everyday, yet she gets mad if I "ask" for sex. She says it should just happen and I should create the moment throughout the day. Isn't that what I am doing? We never have spontaneous sex. We can't have sex in the middle of the day, only at the end of the day when if everything is perfect; and by that I mean, we have to have accomplished all that we set out to do that day; I have to have been a perfect gentleman and she can't feel bad in the least or be too tired from all that we have done; then "maybe" we will have sex. It seems like there's always some reason why we can't have sex. I love this woman with all my heart, but I'm at the end of my rope and I'm not "asking anymore". We've talked this to death with no resolve. Life is too short to be this unhappy. I'm going to try counseling. Any advice?
2007-01-11 16:14:22 · 22 answers · asked by georgiahurricane 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
dude i have been married 4 months and i only get it maybe 8 times a month, maybe we need ot get women on the side
2007-01-11 16:17:45 · answer #1 · answered by clement J 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Join the club, big guy. Been there for 36 years. Here are some thoughts:
1) Health problems. It's not likely, but possible, that your wife has some kind of organic problem that results in low libido. Very often, a woman will lose interest in sex after a child is born - but, you didn't mention kids. Some women are extremely sensitive to the slightest change in their body chemistry, so this is worth looking into.
2) The mom thing. Some women that become moms simply cannot think of themselves as sexual after having children. They're moms now, and moms don't have sex..unless they have to. They couldn't imagine their mothers having sex and they can't imagine that they can either, now that they are moms.
3) It's not entirely uncommon for women - even in their 20s - to have a radical change in their hormonal make up. This is a corrolary to #1 above, and it's worth checking out. There are therapists that can help a woman to regulate hormonal imbalances and get back to a healthier sex life.
4) Early childhood trauma. It's possible that your wife was molested when she was a child - she might not even remember it or may have supressed it into unconscious oblivion. But, you don't get past those things unless you get therapy, and maybe that's what happened to your wife. She was able to do the marriage thing, but the sexual side may have resurfaced and is keeping her from enjoying the experience.
5) Aversion to stimulation and loss of control. As weird as this seems, some women - the kind that like to have control over the universe and/or must be obeyed - don't like orgasms because they make them feel out of control. Giving in to the rush and wild sensations is fine for a while, but they grow weary of it and then become annoyed by it. These types also can never find the exact right time for sex because they fool themselves into thinking - and telling you - that things have to be different than they are right now or they won't enjoy it. Truth is, they never enjoy it any more, but they can't bring themselves to admit that, especially to you.
There could be other reasons, but the sad fact of the matter is that a lot of women - maybe the majority - just don't find sex to be the crowning emotion of human experience. Like we guys do. And, it is not likely that any amount of whining, counseling, begging, pleading, gifts, bribes, tricks, books, porn, alcohol, drugs, cruises, gentlemanly conduct, or romantic engagements is going to make anything one bit better. Oh, sure, she might get surprisingly passionate if you threaten to leave - or actually do for a while - but, once your back, things go back to the way that they were.
If you can, take the 3-4 times a month and consider yourself lucky. As you can see from the responses here, we hear ya, and we feel for ya, but there's not a lot that can be done about it.
As crass as this may sound, you might want to consider ending the relationship. I know you love her, but if you can't find a way to cope with the incompatibility of sexual desire, it might be better to end it now while you are young and before kids come along.
Best of luck.
2007-01-12 01:26:36 · answer #2 · answered by SafetyDancer 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You remeber the Wedding where you said I do? till death do us part? Look most men have a sex drive that is in overdrive, but when you choose to marry her it was for good or worse, she may be testing you after 11 years, or she may have bo on the side cause you arn't making her happy. but if you try to makhere happy 150% and forget about what you want for a while give her what she needs and she may do so as well, but don't expect it or demand it. If this is a life and death issure for you I will tell you many people lose the drive after 6 months and go on to make a life together and are able to work these things out. When you said You loved her that meant you made a desisoin to keep her for good or bad, your attuide may be threating her in some way. You could not be doing things that would make her happy. On And on I could go. Do seek counseling, one thing for sure you both will go some tought times if you do split, trust me you are not the prom king at 28 for sure man.. Good LUck and if you figure wome out there are a lot of us men willing to pay good money for the answers we need....
2007-01-12 01:10:52 · answer #3 · answered by Right 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I BET YOU HAVE KIDS!!!!I'm the same age as you and I can tell you this, I have 3 kids a dog and lots of responsibilities that tire me out and most of the time I'm just stressed out or too tired.
I am too scared to "do it" in the middle of the day now because I'm worried someone might walk in or knock on the door or a ringing phone, which is a mood killer, and I just don't want anyone to see my naked butt now!Especially my kids, a relative or the mail man! Also, it's so hard to get in the mood and stay in the mood when you are mentally and physically stressed out, that's how I feel.
She might have alot on her mind and just wants to sleep, I know some days sleep is more important than loving, I know- it's terrible- also, if you have been going through a more stressful situation than normal, it will hinder your sex life,badly.
You could be just stuck in a rut in your marriage, and for even tiny problems, counseling is a wonderful thing.I have been married for 4 years and been together 8 the same thing is going on with me& my hubby, but we have been in a VERY stressful situation and he broke his back, it's kind of painful now for him -you know!(In more ways than one!)
Just talk to her and ask if there's anything she needs to talk about that's bugging her, just being there to listen throughout the day helps a woman's stress level tremendously!( I know it's hard to listen to tons of complaining but be supportive and on her side, it will get better, and I bet you'll get happy too!!)
I could almost put money down that she is stressed out and/or has some sort of anxiety problem weather she knows it or not, I have an anxiety problem -and you two are in the exact sex situation as my husband and I!(with his broken back, we are at 3 to 4 times a month, but that's all it's been since the July 2006 when we lost our house)
Good Luck, I hope this get's you lucky(wink , wink!!)
2007-01-12 01:01:48 · answer #4 · answered by ~Misty.babydoll~ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
3-4 times a month? WOW, my husband and I only have it like once every 6 weeks. I have heard this argument a hundred times and believe me she understands your needs and loves you very much. It is probably not that she is not interested or uncaring about your feelings, she is truly exhausted!!! Routine takes over after a while and it is hard to break the cycle. Try to make plans to releive all the stress off of her and take away "all the things that have to be done". If you have kids- YOU get the babysitter and set up a date, so she has no distractions or excuses. If it continues, pick a time to sit down and talk to her about it- not at the time of rejection when you both feel bad. If could be her sex drive has decreased or she is bored with your "usual" way of having sex. Perhaps she is feeling insecure with her body and doesn't want to be naked and vulnerable in front of you. Just remember it is not you and it is not intentional and she is probably not doing it consciously- she probably worries about it just as much, but has 5000 other things to worry about too that take up all her energy. Good luck.
2007-01-12 00:41:51 · answer #5 · answered by Jennifer S 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I know this may seem silly, but do you talk to her. Do you take the time out to ask her how her day was, and then after you ask do you take the time out to listen. I am 29 and have known my husband for over 10 years we have been married for 6. And for a time I wasn't in the mood and it wasn't because I didn't love him. He was just at times a jerk, I couldn't talk to him. So maybe you should just talk to her more. Walk up and give her a hug and a kiss for no reason. Tell her she looks nice. And then again maybe she is going through some type of insecurity with herself issue, just keep reassuring her. She wouldn't be there if she didn't love you.
2007-01-12 01:16:33 · answer #6 · answered by annajaaki 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's not you or anything you did..........Your wife has certain issues that only she can explain and fix. Maybe her interest in sex has decreased over the years due a number of reasons. I do believe that she should take your unhappiness and concerns seriously. I applaud you for not having cheated on her by now with another woman who would give you what you want........I'm glad that you are devoted and loving to her. She's very lucky and should be extremely grateful. There's only so much you can say to her. If she is unwilling to listen, communicate and take action to change things, then you two should consider counseling or separate for a while.
2007-01-12 00:26:19 · answer #7 · answered by artutina 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
just a Q what kind of movies does she like that will give you a clue and look into her home life what is her mother saying about sex and her grand mother do they think of it as wrong or dirty or does she have this idea about sex as in the movies be a good detective and may be she likes it rough that not good but some how ask I have been married for 32years and getting over the stigma that is planted in little girls head came slow don`t get me wrong my husband did not give up and neither did I one thing I did do is leave notes and little hints like a bath towel and two bars of soap together on the towel and candy and notes telling her that the parts of her body you find so inviting that you would like to you can write the note with passion
2007-01-12 00:45:31 · answer #8 · answered by thehat 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're taking the first step in the right direction. Some people have low sex drives than others. Sounds like your doing all the right things as a man. Maybe she has a medical problem so maybe explore that as well. All I can say from one man to another in a similar boat, best of luck!
2007-01-12 00:20:53 · answer #9 · answered by jtgot1 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to tune into what she wants--I was married for 9 years and now div--I am a woman--she needs to know you want her--buy her lingerie--tell her how much you want her and sorry most men dont "satisfy" their woman--get some toys. It's not about "what a man " you are. We feel like a "mom" not a sexual being--she needs to know you don't see her like that. You need to find a sitter on your own and plan a big night out--get her some awesome lingerie, go to a place together to pick toys out, get a room and have fun. She needs to feel like a woman again not just a mom.
2007-01-12 00:43:52 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Counseling is good, but she may not see what she's really doing. Women can be really cruel without seeing how wrong they are (I am one, so I know). I'd recommend picking up a copy of The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Read it yourself and ask her to please read it, if she loves you. It's a real eye opener for women who use witholding sex as a weapon, and you'll get some comfort out of it as well.
2007-01-12 00:20:30 · answer #11 · answered by SLWrites 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋