My fiance and I have been engaged for almost three years now. We have not gotten married becasue he has been very ill for the past 2.5 years and to this day has not been definitively diagnosed. It has been very rough on both of us. I love him very much and have been his primary caretaker during this time. I take him and stay at all ER visits and doctor visits even though it makes it very hard for me to work. His family does very little to nothing despite always saying that they will.
He asked me today if I will still marry him if he never gets better or continues to worsen. I told him that I wasn't sure and we'll see when we get there. I was just trying to be honest, but it hurt his feelings. I just don't want to enter a marriage resenting my husband and I think that I am starting to have feelings of resentment. At times, I feel more like his mother instead of wife and I don't like it. I don't want to spend the rest of my like the last two years.
So, was I wrong for what I said?
2007-01-11 15:26:15 · 8 answers · asked by cincychicaesq 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
omg - so sorry you are both going through so much. I think that you know in your heart what you want and that is a healthy husband. I think that you will feel guilty to be honest with him. I also think that you need to be honest with yourself and then be honest with him. It sounds like he might feel your vibes and it would be better for you both if you were honest. I would suggest counseling for yourself before you end the relationship or make any final decisions. I have no doubt the responsibility such as this can be very difficult but I think you owe it to both of you to be able to embrace and love what your future holds and look forward to it rather than resent it.
2007-01-11 15:34:00 · answer #1 · answered by girlysledgirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, the parents are in denial of the fact that their son is seriously ill. Ergo, they become debilitated and/or dysfunctional. They are legally the next of kin--you are not.
He asked you a very difficult question. Your feelings are valid and engagement has no particular rules or guidelines. Engagements are easy to break. Marriages much more difficult. You were not wrong.
A couple of things have to happen. First, the parents have to get involved and have to contact any and all doctors to find out what it wrong and not to accept any answer that doesn't address the issues. Technically, in the hospital, you are not allowed to see him as you are not family.
The role of Caretaker is a 24/7 is a grueling experience that saps you strength and your resolve. It can make you resentful because you are unable to live the life you want and to realize that love is not enough is at the very least depressing. Right now, you are neither his mother or his wife.
2007-01-11 23:55:29 · answer #2 · answered by Monsieur Rick 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said what needed to be said. You signed on for the job of equal partner: wife. You don't want to be a mother.
You don't say how dependent he is on you. Is he financially resourceful, but physically disabled? Could he live without your assistance?
Living with and caring for a handicapped or disabled people takes a special person with a unique personality and specific skills. You might need to honestly admit to him that you aren't the right person for him.
You cannot get married with feelings of resentment.
While you are analyzing your options, see if you can locate the type of community resources or therapy he needs in the event he finds himself alone.
Good Luck,
C-F
2007-01-11 23:39:57 · answer #3 · answered by Crispy_Frog 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you were not wrong for expressing your thoughts and feelings. Honesty is the best policy and I would NEVER fault anyone for telling the truth, no matter how painful or hurtful. (I do however believe in tact.) Your feelings are very legitimate, and you have to decide what you want to do. Your not in an easy spot and I do not envy you in the slightest. However, I am sympathetic. You two need to sit down during a quiet time and talk about feelings, the past, the future.
2007-01-11 23:34:55 · answer #4 · answered by Poppet 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No its not wront to be honest. I dated a guy for 2 yrs who was legally blind. Eventhough i lived him very much it was a very stressful relationship because i felt like i always had to look after him. I mean the man couldnt drive obviously. He couldnt walk without me always being there. I had to do everything. We took a break and never went back. I've been happily married for almost 3 years and looking back i dont think i would have been happy with him. Sometimes you just have to do whats best for you eventhough it may not be the best for the other person. Be honest with him and just tell him its too much for you. Good luck.
2007-01-12 00:05:58 · answer #5 · answered by LD82 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No your not wrong.
Your only problem is that you are human and it is ok to feel this way for a lot of people seem to be placing a lot of pressure on you.
My heart goes out to you.
I think it is not fair for them to ask you to marry. But it IS ultimately your decision. Do you marry and try to make the rest of his life comfortable and yours bearable?
Or do you...wow.
You have a big decision to make.
You will face pain no matter what you do.
Is your love strong enough?
2007-01-11 23:40:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No.
There seems to be no one to care for you, and you would be the sole breadwinner if he became too ill to work. Explain to his family that you need them to take part in helping with his care. Be it with actual help or paying for a nurse or something like that. You need to be able to work so you can keep your living arrangements (If you live on your own)
2007-01-11 23:40:49 · answer #7 · answered by Sugarshots 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry that you are in this position, but face the fact.
Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with him knowing his condition? This is not fair to you no matter how much you love him.
If he really love you, he must let you go.
Good Luck
2007-01-11 23:42:38 · answer #8 · answered by sonisunny 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋