Should I trust him when he gets defensive after asking him a question?

Question

If you're in a serious relationship, do you have the right to know if another woman is calling your man? When I questioned my BF about someone's ##, he got very defensive & told me its none of my business. Of course the red flag went up! Why get defensive if you have nothing to hide? If you're not doing anything wrong, why not answer with the simple truth? On another occassion when I asked him if there was someone else because he was acting very distant with me. He responded: "think what you want & if you accuse me of being with someone, I will." He wants me to trust him but how can I trust him when he gives me a negative answer? His ommission of answering my question seems like he has a hidden agenda. Am I wrong to feel this way? Doesn't truth & honesty equal trust? I just can't understand why he treats me like **** when I'm honest, sincere & devoted to this man? He treats this relationship as if we're just dating. He doesn't take into consideration that we live together & have a son.

I am reading everyones comments and my heart aches tremendously over the thought there might be someone else.I wasn't sure if it was me over reacting to his actions and responses? If it was me, I was willing to make a change to save the relationship. I just wish he would tell me the truth if there was someone else and give me the option to stay in this relationship or move on with my life.

I want to thank everyone for their opinions.
Even my friends and family wonder why I'm with a man that treats me like s***.
It's really sad that a person has to lie or mistreat someone. If he wanted out of this relationship to be with someone else, I would walk away. I also believe that if he truly loved me, he wouldn't respond in such a horrible way or put me through the torture of wondering if he is devoted and sincere.
I would have never suspected anything if a reason wasn't warranted. If the red flags weren't thrown in my path, I wouldn't be feeling the way I do.
In my heart I know that if I do leave this relationship that God will let me find a man who will love me unconditionally. In this relationship, I treated him like gold and I would never dare do or say something to hurt him the way he hurts me.
I also believe in Karma... He will end up with someone who will treat him like he is worthless. I hope he cries 10 times the tears I cried and feel my pain.

I try to communicate with him, he avoids conversations by ignoring me or telling me to leave, it's over

His answer,"None Of Your Business" does cause insecurities. This insecurity makes me not want to trust him. I confronted him about his attitude and told him that this relationship should be an open book. If there is nothing to hide than there is no need to get defensive. I also told him that in a relationship I want to be able to turn to my significant other with any question and expect him to give me a sincere, honest answer with being defensive. This is what I have to offer him and I expect no less. He told me this morning that if he isn't doing anything wrong than why am I questioning him? Regardless if he is or isn't, it's the attitude that leads me to believe he is. If he is doing something wrong, I believe that the truth eventually will come out. He will be the one who has to face the consequences later. I am a strong woman and if I do decide to leave him because he did me wrong, I will not fall to pieces.

I know there are good men out there that wish they could have a good woman in their life and I know they would treasure a woman like me.
The one thing that he fails to understand is, if there was someone else... there is no need to cover it up.
Just tell me the truth and give me the option to make my own decision wither I want to stay in the relationship or not. Of course if there is someone else in the picture, my option would be to leave so that I can move on with my life. I do not fear that if the relationship does end that I will not find someone else. There are woman out there that fear this and this is why they stay in the relationship.
I know I am beautiful inside and out. Looking like Selma Hyack is a plus but it's my heart that makes me gorgeous.
I personally think this is one of his fears.... he probably knows that I can easily get someone without trying and when another man realizes my worth he's not going to want to let me go.

Additionally, I do believe in Karma! What goes around, comes around! I'm sure the grass looks greener on the other side and temptation can easily trap you but is it worth jeopardizing what you already have? You can cross the fields and later discover it wasn't what you thought it would be and when you decide to go back home, you'll be disappointed to find that everything you left behind is gone.
My last words are: If my BF values his son and I, he will think twice before he says or does anything stupid to lose everything he has.
If I leave, his life will be hell.
#1, I will move to Italy since I have a house out there and if he wants vistation, he's going to have to fly half way around the world to see his son.
#2, Since we are not married, he can't stop me.
Hopefully he will wake up and smell the coffee because once I leave there is no turning back.

Answer 1

I have no doubt there is someone else in his life. When someone reacts so defensively, they have something to hide. He most likely thinks that since you have a son together, that he has you where he wants you, and you won't leave him. Don't let him get away with treating you, the mother of his child, like dirt.

Answer 2

the more defensive he gets the more u can count on that he just doesn't want to be confronted, because he is cheating, and has no excuse for it, just that he is a creep. we are often the last ones to know, but that small little voice we call intuition tells us before we really even know. u are putting your trust and heart into a lost cause, just because u are honest and forthright, doesn't mean he is. if he weren't cheating on u there would be no reason to get defensive. if u don't feel special to him or loved, than u probably aren't. we can tell by someones actions exactly how a person thinks of us. having a child means little to him, he doesn't love u like u love him, too immature a person, u need to accept things as u see them, and decide if life would be better with or without him. but honestly there are so many nice men out there, who would treat u and your child better than this man is treating u.it most certainly is your business if it has to do with him, he should not be such a coward, he should be man enough to be truthful, or if he is innocent he should put your fears to rest and talk about the feelings u are having. good luck

Answer 3

Listen Hon, you're not over reacting and you're not the only one..
Personal experience...
I was once married to a man who at first loved me and I really do believe this, but as the years passed we grew further and further apart. He developed a severe drinking problem which ultimately lead to "late nights at the bar" when I confronted him about it he was extremely defensive and even resulted to telling me it was none of my business where he was and what he did. I lived like that for 4 years and had two babies that I drug along through all of his crap because I felt like I could save the relationship. He stayed out for longer periods of time and the bars were replaced by strip clubs and I became such an emotional wreck that my family didn't even recongnize the person I had become. I had no self esteem and let him walk all over me until one day I decided I had had enough, when he moved another woman into our house without asking me first, I told him it was either the slut or me and our kids, he chose the slut. My point here is don't put yourself through what I went through. I take my experience and try and help others prevent themselves from going through the hardships that I went through. I've answered several questions like yours and have told my story many times in the hope that it will give someone the strength or courage to do what their heart knows is right no matter how much it hurts, the hurt does go away and is replaced with much better things, trust me on this. Just so you know Karma is a ***** because this woman that he abandoned his kids over left him about a year later because she found a "love letter" that he had written to me and had forgotten to hide. Now he pays child support for our two children and the one he had with her. The best part is the woman he is with now wears the pants in their relationship and she treats him like he used to treat me. She comes and goes when she wants, makes all the money and leaves him with none, and keeps him on a very short leash. He got what he deserved, a dose of his own medicine.

Answer 4

Wow it really breaks my heart when I read your dilemna. I have been there. Let me start by saying that love is wanting what is best for someone even if at your own expense. Now having said that I also feel like sometimes we need search deep within ourselves to know exactly what that is and sometimes it is right in front of us we just need to face it. If I have learned anything it is that I should always trust my intuition. I may not know why I feel it but history has proven to me repeatedly that if something gives me that uneasy burn in my gut (best I can describe it) then there is almost always a reason. I usually ended up saying something like "I knew it" later down the road. If something does not feel right to you then something isn't. If nothing else you feeling that way alone should bother him, if he truly cared. I have also learned the hard way that we can not control what anyone else does or is going to do, so his "if you accuse me I will" threats are more then likely his precurser to placing blame for his indiscretions on to you. If he is going to cheat he is going to cheat period! I think you know what is best for you....it hurts and it's not easy but let me tell you when the day comes that you find yourself in an honest, loving and happy relationship you will wonder why you ever allowed someone, especially the father of your child to disrespect you and made you feel like your feelings (unfounded or not) were unimportant. If you allow yourself to be treated that way one day you will find even your children treating you that way. Be strong and good luck!

Answer 5

I'm not saying that he ISN'T lying to you - but he *could* also get defensive simply because you are insecure, and keep bugging him about the most innocent things. I can't even imagine ever grilling my b/f or husband about who is calling him, or checking his phone, or any such thing. If someone kept accusing me of "being with someone else", my reply would be similar to his, whether or not I had anything to "hide". It just gets REALLY annoying to be with a possessive and insecure person.

If he doesn't treat you well - questioning him or being clingy isn't gonna solve anything. You have to decide for yourself how much this relationship is worth to you. I strongly believe that those who have a strong-sense of self-worth and self-respect will command respect from others. If you act like you don't deserve respect, you will get none.

Answer 6

Girl, i too myself was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a BOY like that and i don't blame you for not trusting him. I mean you ask out of curiousity (we all do it) and he gets defensive sounds a little too fishy to me. You're right that is a red flag and if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't have gotten defensive. I know it hurts to hear this and to hear what others are saying and you don't want to believe the truth because you care for him. Love is blind hopefully you will wake up and leave his sorry ***!

Answer 7

he is definetly hiding something. do yourself a favor and break up with him before something really happens that you will regret. oh...you live together and have a son. well...think about this...children will imitate everything that we do. so if the father is treating you like this...your son will grow up thinking that it's alright to treat other women like this as well (for no apparent reason other than my father did it). so if you want to set a good example for your son, the leave your boyfriend and get your own place. dont try to stay together with this man just 'for the sake of the children' because you will be doing more harm than good. if you two have a lease together then you need to find out what to do in order to have your name removed from the lease. if his name is already on the lease then it will be that much easier for you to leave. if you don't have a job...get one. you need to have your own source of income in a relationship (regardless of what the man says) so that you can be able to take care of your own needs.

Answer 8

Madam, I have read your entire post.

Yes you have the right to know if another woman or even a man is calling your BF. It's an honest question. You see a number you don't recognize and ask "Who is this? This number isn't familiar to me?" Then normally a BF would respond, "Oh that is Jackie from work. Jackie, Bob, and I are working on the Phillips account. Remember I told you about that last week." (or something else reasonable.)

Your BF is not being reasonable. Based on your entire post, you need to leave this relationship, it is unhealthy.

Answer 9

I know what you are going through, I have been going through this myslef. It seems like we devote our heart and everything to them and they still crap on us. Have you ever considered that he may have you around and treat you like that because you allow him to? By that I mean, do you treat yourself with respect and KNOW that you are a beautiful woman? Or do you let the little things tear you to peices with the "How can he do this to me? I do this....and this..." You need to realize your worth and quit allowing him to treat you so badly. I don't recommend acting like him, but I do want to see you love yourself and understand that YOU can't control anything to do with HIM. I am sure your family has fed nto the "He doesn't deserve you" mode and not realized that you need to feel sure about who you are, take care of you, and get confident about yourself. REad Joyce Meyer's book called "The Confident Woman", you won't believe how much it helps you in these situations. Keep your chin up. I will be thinking of you.

Answer 10

You are right. If he isn't doing anything he shouldnt be so defensive. He might be up to no good and well if you are having trust issues maybe you just need some time away from each other so you two can set your priorities straight and all that. Just be prepared for the worst, dont set yourself up for heartbreak. Us as women need to learn when to back away sometimes and just see where things go.