My wife has issues!!!!?

Question

My wife and I have a turbulent relationship to say the least. She was a single mom and at odds with her own family when I met her. She clung to me like glue and demanded I be there whenever she needed me and she was verbally abused as a child. After marriage I noticed she started verbally abusing me. Now when she starts in I totally walk out of the room and tell her to talk to me with respect or I won’t be speaking to her (she then says I’m giving her the silent treatment and she threatens to leave me). A few times I sunk down to her level and yelled back (which I’m not proud of but you just get sick and tired of getting beat up verbally). Now she throws up the verbally abusive card at me! Also when her parents were down she started in on me over the holidays and I said screw this I don’t care if your parents are around and laid into her for being totally disrespectful (of course her parents didn’t know what she said to me first). Then they chose to look at me like how could I do this to their daughter. They’ve been doing it for years that’s why she’s the way she is!!! I looked at them and said politely don’t throw rocks from your glass house. You made her this way! Now she’s fiercely loyal to her parents and doesn’t trust me…..huh!!!!! I want to dump her butt and let her be crazy with someone else. Is there any way to salvage this woman?

Answer 1

I would say she needs therapy, but since she is involving you her husband and you don't know what to do I would do marriage counseling but you don't want to stay with her. I would just get a divorce. Why stay with someone whose family looks down on you for something they are not involved in. cb

Answer 2

Being raised as a verbally abused child...the best thing to do is give her the silent treatment, she doesn't have the balls to leave you. She threatens you by saying that just so you will yell back, that's what she is use too. She has gotten comfortable with verbal abuse.

My now boyfriend has figure out how to shut me up without yelling back. The thing you need to do, is get a bunch of guy friends and go on a trip with them...to get away and clear your head. And don't answer her phone calls while you are away.

Then once your head is clear...you will know either to stay with her or leave. If you decide to stay with her, you need to sit down and talk with her. First explain you want to have a nice conversation and if it gets out of hand, then it's over. Then tell her how you feel and how you guys need to work things out.

Eventually she will get the idea. But if she doesn't then she is way too far gone to ever understand.

Get what I'm saying. Good luck.

Also for the situation with her parents, it's really none of their business what goes on in your relationship with their daughter. You know the truth and that's all that matters. Once you are finish having the conversation with your wife, call up her parents and apologize for the yelling. If they don't understand, at least you were the bigger person by apologizing.

Answer 3

First, you are married, for better or for worse.

Second, this is something that can be fixed. See a counselor if you guys really love each other. You will look back on those arguments in several years and either laugh or cry, you will realize how trivial it was and how destructive it was. The more often it happens, the damage gets worse.

Third, She definitely needs some professional help as a victim of child abuse.

A marriage counselor can help her see that speaking with so much disrespect is very harmful and destructive. Whatever you do, NEVER drop down to that level. You have done well not insulting her back. She will appreciate that eventually.

You have to have mutual respect no matter how hard it is to bite your tongue.

Last, even if she hates her parents, don't EVER agree with her, or argue with her parents about what they did to her. It is a losing battle, and you will have both her and her family against you. Don't ask me why...it just happens.

Answer 4

First of all, it's not issues. I would be that same woman in your relationship. Sounds exactly the same with me and my husband. I just think that she has an insecurity problem. Here are some pointers how my husband have dealt with me and how I have reacted in that same situation:

1. I do admit that I have a problem and so should your wife.
2. I do admit also, that I have been abused as a child and have the willingness to change my abuse towards my partner if I have emotional support of my partner. Your partner should be willing to change.
3. If neither works, I know that simple "I have to talk to you" won't work, so as my husband does, "forgive her"...let her know your feelings (even if she ignores them)...tell her you love her and don't stop (even if she threatens to leave you)...apologize (even if it's something that you didn't start).

If all doesn't work, then she should seek mental help, because I did!!!
It's not your problem, but because you are married...help her with a problem that may be affecting both of you. Share the experience and fight it together. Don't let her do it on her own, it will feel like betrayal or just put down her self- esteem to do what she already did...once again!!! Wishing you GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 5

Yeah its called counseling.. and also reviewing your marriage vows.. shes ur wife and she needs to stand by you not her parents, they are of no concern here, this is between u and her and only u and her.. she's been abused u knew that going into this and u still married her..so u cant run out because of it, u need to stand by her and atleast do all u can to salvage this marriage before giving up, and she needs to have anger management classes and counseling so that she can realize what she's doing , the reason her family looked at u so horribly was because to them its normal, but for once they saw it from the 3rd party view.. her loyalty should be to u , its hard i know, but she married u, and ur vows said to "forsake all others" , "good times and bad" , "sickness and in health" and i believe all of the above apply to this situation, forsake all other including ur parents if they become a negative influnce on ur immediate family which when u both said i do, u both became each others immediate family now, ur parents, siblings etc are considered extended family.. "good times and bad" well here u go hun this is the bad.. and sickness and in health, well obviously ur wife , has a illness carried over from her parents that she needs help with.. its going to take patience,love and understanding, NO ONE can break a bad habit over night especially not one that has been taught all their lives.. get some counseling Marriage, and for her seperately.. and work through this.. thats what marriage is all about.. good luck..

Answer 6

Do you really love her? I have been emotionally and verbally abused and it is not something you can just forgive and forget. Does your wife acknowledge that she has a problem? If she does and she wants to get help, go to marriage counseling. A marriage is always worth saving if both agree to save it. You can't do it alone, though. If she isn't willing to go, or she goes but doesn't take to heart what the counselor tries to do, then you have to let go and move on. You can't change anyone, no matter how hard you try or how much abuse you take from them. You have to take care of yourself. If you love yourself, draw the line and don't cross it. Make up your mind what you want, i.e. your marriage without the abuse, and stand your ground. If your wife loves you and can see the pain you are in, she will go to counseling and try to save her marriage. Abuse is not an excuse to abuse others. It is a horrible way to live, but we all have choices and we can chose to NOT be an abuser, we just can't fix it alone. You sound like a really good guy for sticking in there, I hope it works out for you!

Answer 7

When someone has been abused like this, especially since childhood, they truly don't see the problem. Actually they feel your picking on them, because sometimes they don't see what's even wrong. The abuse becomes a way of life for them. Even the "hecticness" does, it becomes a norm for them. They naturally try to even create it to feel comfortable. Your wife needs therapy to finally over come this. But if you tell her that, she will be on the defense, so it will be a good ideal that you both go. I would tell the therapist you would like to see her alone. Maybe each of you can see her alone to tell your side of the problem without the other interrupting. Your wife is very insecure. You may not think so, but she is. When she acts like this, she is trying to get some kind of control in her life. I am thinking as a child she was very controlled, and didn't feel very loved by one, or both of her parents. To make a long story short, I feel if your wife finally trusted you within herself, she would be a very loving wife. But right now, she is much to scared.

Answer 8

Well, It appears to me that she likes the feel sorry for me role rather than the stand strong and get over the past type.You see, in life she may have had it hard to begin with but in truth you gave her love she never had and tried to do right by her, only to get miss treated and abused yourself.
Do you remember the saying "You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink it?" Well, That's were you are at now my friend.If I was you I would say heck with her threats and her families opinion and just let her know that either you get the respect you deserve or you will be out of her life for good! And mean it.
If she truly loves you and wants to get over her past and treat you for what you really are,The man that showed her the real way to be loved, than she will get the hint and straighten out.If she don't, Then just tell her good bye and to go live with those parents of hers since she know seems able to forgive them.But ask her this,"What makes you think in a little while they wont do it all,all over again?"
If she does go, than she deserves them! And you should move on and never look back.Life's too short to be wasted on those that have the ability to learn, but just don't want to.
Good luck!

Answer 9

Unfortunately when many people have been abused as children they grow accustomed to the abuse and do not feel comfortable in a "normal" relationship. It is almost as if you can not trust it when it is good and are constantly waiting for the ugliness to start.
The clinginess is a desire for a difference kind of like a drowning person with a life preserver, the abusiveness is how far can I push him before he will go away(can I trust him).
How long are you going to be able to maintain before you lose it?
I do believe that this can be overcome with much patience from the loved one and a willingness to accept there is a problem and a diligence to correct it from the affected one.
In regards to her parents, you say they were the abusive ones and now she sides with them, they are safe because she knows the boundaries with them she knows what to expect.

Answer 10

Think about why you married her in the first place. Is the reason why you married her still present? Is she aware of the fact that you feel like you are being verbally abused? She may not realize what she is doing hurts you. If she does realize it, then do what is best for you. Don't worry about what her parents think about you. If she doesn't trust you, then get out. If there is no trust in the relationship, there is no relationship. If she is threatening to leave, tell her to go.

Answer 11

She has chilldhood traumas and she doesn't know how to be in a relatioship where there is no drama... because that's the only way she knows how.

I suggest for you to go to counselling, She can go alone and then as a couple. She needs to learn other ways in communicating with you and know that engaging in vicious screaming matches and guilt trips is NOT normal.

Counselling is your only solution. Find a therapist to help her and yoru marriage. If she refuses, then find a lawyer because there is no point to spent the rest of your life in misery.

If she loves you, she will work on it. You are lucky to be brought up right in a healthy enviroment with loving parents. Not all of us have the same luck

Good luck