Should I trust him when he gets defensive after asking him a question?

Question

If you're in a serious relationship, do you have the right to know if another woman is calling your man? When I questioned my BF about someone's ##, he got very defensive & told me its none of my business. Of course the red flag went up! Why get defensive if you have nothing to hide? If you're not doing anything wrong, why not answer with the simple truth? On another occassion when I asked him if there was someone else because he was acting very distant with me. He responded: "think what you want & if you accuse me of being with someone, I will." He wants me to trust him but how can I trust him when he gives me a negative answer? His ommission of answering my question seems like he has a hidden agenda. Am I wrong to feel this way? Doesn't truth & honesty equal trust? I just can't understand why he treats me like **** when I'm honest, sincere & devoted to this man? He treats this relationship as if we're just dating. He doesn't take into consideration that we live together & have a son.

I am not paranoid, I just want honesty.

I am reading everyones comments and my heart aches tremendously over the thought there might be someone else.
I wasn't sure if it was me over reacting to his actions and responses? If it was me, I was willing to make a change to save the relationship. I just wish he would tell me the truth if there was someone else and give me the option to stay in this relationship or move on with my life.

I want to thank everyone for their opinions.
Even my friends and family wonder why I'm with a man that treats me like s***.
It's really sad that a person has to lie or mistreat someone. If he wanted out of this relationship to be with someone else, I would walk away. I also believe that if he truly loved me, he wouldn't respond in such a horrible way or put me through the torture of wondering if he is devoted and sincere.
I would have never suspected anything if a reason wasn't warranted. If the red flags weren't thrown in my path, I wouldn't be feeling the way I do.
In my heart I know that if I do leave this relationship that God will let me find a man who will love me unconditionally. In this relationship, I treated him like gold and I would never dare do or say something to hurt him the way he hurts me.
I also believe in Karma... He will end up with someone who will treat him like he is worthless. I hope he cries 10 times the tears I cried and feel my pain.

Answer 1

Could be that he's distant because you keep accusing him. Think about how you would feel if, every time you got a phone call or was 15 minutes late, he questioned you and asked you if there was someone else? It would cause you to have negative feelings towards him.

You will know without a doubt if he's cheating on you. I think we all know when it is happening, we just don't want to believe it.

Answer 2

Honesty and Trust are the two most important things in a relationship. You need to work on the trust, He needs to work on the honesty. If you still feel like there might be someone else, then do a little digging on the side. I assume that the phone is owned by both you and him, so you have the right to call the phone company and see who has been calling your number.

But in the end, if you find you can't trust your bf (either because he is not trustworthy or because of your own issues) then you shouldn't be with him. Even if you do have a son. By the way, if you have a kid then why the hell aren't you married?

Answer 3

The answer to this one is very straight forward... get out now! A relationship can only be successful if both parties are open an honest with each other. How can you possibly see a future with him? If he doesn't respect you now he never will. When we are in love with someone we never listen to our friends advice and block out all the bad stuff. I'm guessing that this r'ship could be like an addiction to cigarettes......you know they are bad for you but you just can't give them up. Could you live the rest of your life always wondering what he's up to? It would be enough to drive me insane. 10 times out of 10, if a guy is being defencive he has something to hide usually something you don't want to hear. When I'm being quite and distant its usually because I'm thinking hard about my feelings towards the girl I'm with. I'm sorry but I think its time to accept that you can't go on like this, be brave and move on.
Hope i've been of some help.

Answer 4

Carolina....Carolina. You are not off the mark with your suspicions. I have interviewed many, many liars in my career. People who skirt the issue are more often than not guilty. Let me show you how this works;

By receiving the response "None of your business" reagrding the phone calls means that you've caught him with some item of an evidenturay nature that has comprimised him. He has not the time to formulate a proper and believeable lie so the first response is one of defense....bordering on (or sounds like IS) disrespect. So..there is your first shred of proof.
The second is the comment "Think what you want and if you accuse me I will". Tell you right now. Either he has or is on the verge. No two ways about it. most people will become angry and ask "Why would you even think that?". Do you know why your remark didn't bring out that question? Because he knows if he asks you why you think that way....he'll get your reasons and he has no valid answers for the questions you're going to pose.
He either screwing around on you or will. I'm truly sorry to have to tell you this. I know. As I've said...I've put the screws to people for criminal acts from dope dealing to murder. these are the normal responses for people who aren't prepared to be forthcoming. In addition it's what they say when "caught by surprise with their pants down". The remark "...accuse me and I will" is a precursor so when you do find out or catch him, he'll turn around and say to you "Well..I told you and you drove me to this". Be prepared for that. Because that is sure to follow. he's just laid the groundwork to blame you for his screwing around. You'll remember this and what i say will ring in your ears the moment those words fall from his mouth.
So...now you know. I'm not the type to say "Leave him"..."Divorce him"..etc without reason. i know that these are things that are easier said than done. What I do is give you the reasons as to why you suspect him. I've just made them abit more clear for you.
The ball's in your court my dear. Again...I'm sorry and I know this wounds you deeply but its plausable and makes absolute sense doesn't it?

Answer 5

BIG red flag. I would definitly look into that more if I were you. If he isn't giving you straight answers, or is giving you answers as you stated in your question, it definitly seems to me like something is not right. Try maybe sitting down and talking to him. You need to find out where he stands and if there is another woman, or whatever the case may be. You should also mention to him how you feel.

Answer 6

I completely understand why you feel like something is going on I would think the same thing. Women know things I don't know how we do but we know. If you feel in your heart that this man is cheating on you he probably is. I know that must make you feel like you aren't good enough for him but that isn't true. Men that cheat do it because there is something wrong with them not you. You sound like a smart women and you really don't need our advice you know what you need to do so do it. Women will always follow their heart its a part of who we are. You know you can do better. Good Luck

Answer 7

You are being paranoid and being inmature.

First lesson:

People do need privacy
People do need space
People are socially active beyond their romantic relationships
There was a life before you
You are not conjoined at the hip

Your actions are just going to make him jump into someone elses arms.

You need to be confident, belive in him and trust him. Otherwise, your relationship would be doomed, baby or not, if you are making him unhappy with your constant accusations and spying he is going to spend more time trying to figure out how to avoid you.

Wise up!


Good luck

Answer 8

I'm sorry but he sounds kind of like a jerk. On occasion I have asked my husband about women he works with or about an email he got from a girl named Debbie, and he jokes with me about it but then to ease my mind he will let me read the email, (from a co-worker and it was work related) and he has introduced me on numerous occasions to all the women he works with. I think you should be re-considering this relationship.

Answer 9

Follow your instincts.Why are you with him?Leave him & then maybe he will realize what he had & shape up (grow up). If not,,at least you have moved forward. Leave & take your son.Do not leave your son for any reason or he can use that against you,,its called abandonment.Good Luck.

Answer 10

RED ALERT!!!!!!! Is his name Brian? He sounds exactly like my ex. They try to make it sound like "how dare you", when it should be more like "i'm busted". He's getting his back up to try to deflect your questions. Trust is an earned thing, and his responses are not leading you in that direction. Chances are - he has something to hide. Otherwise, he'd want to reassure you, and answer you. When you don't trust him (and you have no proof) - it's usually your gut speaking. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.