Why can't my husband tell the children he love's them?

Question

We have 7 all together 6 boys and 1 girl. He can't or, won't tell any of them he love's them. He won't let them sit on his lap, dosent hug them or, talk to them. When he talks to them it is a negative statement about characture or, he is getting on to them and threating to punish. My kids, his kids, no matter, he seems so hateful to them. He wont even sit at the dinner table, he told them its because they fight to much. We have talked and talke...really I have talked and talked. Our kids are as old as 14 and as young as 6, none of us understand. They have given up on even trying to love him. What can I do? Why is he doing this?

Answer 1

Your husband has never been taught how.
Nobody in his formative years gave him permission to express his feelings as a parent.
One of the saddest moments with children was a time i was playing witha group of young boys and a father who had been watching said
" I wish I could do that, but I dont know how "
I was about to tell him how foolish that sounded when I saw just how deeply affected he was by his own inability to be playful.
Trust me this is not deliberate, and may be too ingrained to change.
Your husband needs understanding not blame.
He is a product of his upbringing.

Answer 2

Your husband may well have never had his father tell him that he loved him and treated him in the same way... BUT his mother probably aloud it too happen too (if this is what happened)
You are trying to do the right thing by your family.. you deserve a medal!

However what is happening isn't right try to make him realise that what he is doing too his children is no less then Abuse he may not realise what he is doing!
You need to try too break the cycle right now because your boys and your daughter will carry this through...

This will continue to effect your children through out their lives and this i know is a VERY scary thought.

In every Photo we have of my father he is not smiling even when he is holding his children from when we were kids... He died in June 2005, and he left soooo much un resolved stuff that we never felt was the right time to bring up and now its too late and we have to go through our Adult life...

Please i am not saying this too scare you because you are obvioulsy worried and i know how hard it is...

You really do need too put your foot down and say loud and clear " NO, THIS IS NOT OK!" and have try to have your children around Men that do love them and are not affraid too show it!

I wish you the best of luck! i hope this helps

Answer 3

I grew up in family situation like this, no affecton except abuse, verbal and physical. I have two children,I did the opposite of how I was raised towards my children. I tell them whether they want to hear it or not "I love You" I also show them.I have a harder time with other adults in my life(ex husband included) Just felt to vulnerable. I am more of do-er I show the people in my life by my actions.Sometimes that is the best I can do.I think the writer that said therapy is good advice, your children learn from example whether it is good or bad....Go soon your children's futures of how they see themselves and others depends on this. God Bless and Good Luck..

Answer 4

Some men find it "unmanly" to openly interact and love children. I was in a similar situation 20 yrs ago. My Ex sounded exactly like your husband. I left him for this reason. He would have never gone to counseling, for he thought he was doing nothing wrong. You can talk until your blue in the face, and it will be you compensating for all he is unwilling to do. You will constantly find yourself trying to make up to the children for what he doesn't or can't do. My children never acted themselves around him, tipped toed around him, and worse of all...they grew up to think in his eyes they could never do anything right. I finally realized that sometimes it's better to have the father gone, instead of having one that is there that is demeaning and critical. In my case it was the best thing I could have done. It wasn't easy, but I had to do it for the mental health of myself and my children. Since then, I have always put my children first no matter what. It hasn't always been easy, but they were worth it.

Answer 5

Clearly this is a topic to be discussed with your husband, not a bunch of strangers on the Internet. None of us here can really help or give too much advice. This is a problem that can only be worked out within the family through good honest communication. If that is not possible, then this problem is merely a symptom of a much larger problem...

Good luck.

Answer 6

I grew up in a family where we kept our "feelings" to ourselves. My mom and dad never told us that they loved us and my mom was always yelling at us and loved to hit us.
It was hard but I told myself that I would never be that way. I make sure that I tell my girlfriend that I love her evertime we talk and I give her and her kids hugs all the time.
I can understand where he is coming from. I'm not saying it's right. I could see myself being the same way but I force myself not to because I know what it felt like not to be loved.
It's hard try and tell him what I just said and see if it hit's any nerves. It's hard to show emotion when you were never taught how to love

Answer 7

Man, this is going to come back to haunt these kids as adults. As the daughter of an emotionally distant father who NEVER said he loved us, I can tell you that this is a scar that can run pretty deep.

I suggest counseling for your husband to help him open up to his own feelings, which clearly he has shut off and distanced himself from. Good luck. I wish your kids the best growing up, but know that this is the kind of thing that needs to be addressed as quickly as possible for the sake of your kids' emotional health later on. Yes, it can impact their relationships as adults. No question.

Answer 8

Huge problems here. Sounds like he had a lot of dysfunction in his upbringing. Now he's repeating the cycle.

Get into family counseling immediately. Even if your husband won't participate, the rest of you will benefit greatly from it. Start today! Good luck.

Answer 9

I feel sorry for the way the kids feel and will feel as thy get older.
BY the time your husband get around to saying something nice to the kids it will be too late.
with your help thy will aways respect him becues he is father.
But just like my dad your husband will be and die a lonely old man.
My mom did a dam good job at loving us all and trying to make up some of it for him,working late or taking on a part time job on top of a full time just to buy us shoes, and we new that as we got older,.
And now we shower our mom with love, gifts , vacations she wants we get It, dad is lucky if he get 3 birthday cards out of 6 ,But hay he askd for it.

Answer 10

Perhaps he grew up in an environment that was much the same? It sounds like he has some major problems. I suppose you already know he would benefit from counselling?