He sat and wondered what his future held. For something he had worked so hard for and something he had planned for a lifetime may be a waste. . For he couldn’t ever see a future so bleak. For he could see no future, but yet he had no say for his words were not heard.
Lying in the cold on the brink of death, he knew he had to move on. He may sit and wait and be killed - or he could move on and suffer and wait to be thrown to hell. He reminded himself of his achievements and commanded himself to stride forward. He didn’t come this far to give up and die like the pitiful flower that nobody cares for.
He strove on with Crashes all around him. He tried to stay at feet but he was helpless. He had to fight or he and his alliance would collapse like him. He stood firm but it was an endless road of pointlessness. He fell into a permanent sleep in the likes of hell.
2007-01-11 07:12:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Consider that im 13
2007-01-11 07:17:55 · update #1
I decided to take the commets on board and wrote this as the new last paragraph. Please be honest i dont mind of you think its a pile of sh1t just say.
Winning was the answer but life was the question. He knew that his misery would soon end and he knew that he would soon fall. He stood and fell into a hole of darkness.
2007-01-11 07:40:09 · update #2
Does anyone also know any publishers that i could email this to?
2007-01-11 07:41:28 · update #3
Ryman1000©
2007-01-11 07:51:44 · update #4
You could regard this as a short story, or a narrative poem. I like it.
At first glance, the ending sounds like all has truly ended for the character being described, but it could also be the opening paragraphs to a surrealistic novel.
Many famous legends and stories include someone descending into the underworld, passing through the darkness and coming out the other side a changed person. Tolkien did this with Gandalf, and Cervantes did this with Don Quixote.
I recommend checking out the classified section of poets and writers magazine at www.pw.org. There are always publishers looking for new writers.
2007-01-11 08:36:24 · answer #1 · answered by djlachance 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You use the word "for" six times in the first, very short paragraph, and this is an instant turn-off. The basic idea may be good, but the reader doesn't know what it is, so try to set the scene (briefly will do) and give some clues as to who "HE" is. There are some grammatical errors, too, but these can be ironed out, and glory be - there are no spelling errors!
2007-01-11 07:45:54 · answer #2 · answered by artleyb 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm... I like it. Not as a short story or poem but the start of something. I have read stories where they start with the main character dying and then explain the story. I would explain the crashes and alliance bit but other than that it could be a great story witha few tweaks! It sounds great!
2007-01-11 09:40:28 · answer #3 · answered by Petrea Izefia Matkeoo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first two paragraphs are very good. Then your third paragraph takes a turn. Crashes are not explained in the previous paragraphs, neither is his alliance. So it is like you are starting another story without finishing the first one. Good luck with your story writing.
2007-01-11 07:25:39 · answer #4 · answered by Sherilynn B 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Caz, YOU DA BOMB!! I so mandatory to snort and that replaced into so darned lovable! it is IMO like a circulate between a fantasy and a nursery rhyme! i will see sons and daughters AND adults guffawing at your 'kiddin' around with this goat-ode! Hats off, you probably did so good. on a speedy end-word: wearing there ultimate. [their] he did stan [he stood?] ultimate-guy stands in nerves [apprehensive?] burned out flam,[flame?]
2016-10-07 00:20:46 · answer #5 · answered by Erika 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
intriguing...good for 13, i'm 13 too and all my writing sucks until I edit like fifty times...however, it doesn't make much sense. Maybe have a couple short flashbacks, with just minor hints and clues, so we can tell why he is in actuality, committing suicide.
2007-01-11 10:13:30 · answer #6 · answered by she who is awesome 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think it is a really good poem/story. but if i can make a few suggestions (from novel writer to short story writer) i would mention who the alliance is, what happened to him, where is he going, what is he doing to have crashed and what the crash is. if you do find out any publisher's e-mail, tell me any way (if you find my e-mail address).
2007-01-11 08:39:16 · answer #7 · answered by Sapphire Dragon 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's actually alright, but not on it's own; or if it's on it's own you'd need to be able to explain the background to the story; if only to yourself. But, yeah, good stuff young man!
2007-01-12 06:12:41 · answer #8 · answered by duckee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is very good. It is all very intersting and makes the reader want to read more. (I do!) I especially like the first paragraph. It makes you wonder what is happening and what has happened to him :D
If you write more I would like to read it! :D
2007-01-11 07:32:47 · answer #9 · answered by Miki-chan 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I read the first 3 sentences and I got bored.
2007-01-11 07:24:36 · answer #10 · answered by White Shooting Star of HK 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋