How do I meld the two principles of disapproval yet peace with my EX?
My husband moved out after becoming involved with another woman. It is the classic case of using the other woman to get out of the marriage with me because he has since dumped her and now wants a divorce. We have two kids under 5. I know that I must be decent to him because we don't want the tension with the children involved. Actually, I am very nice, treating him like a commuter friend. We share the kids, a week there, a week with me. At the same time, I feel that if I am too nice , then I am approving of the whole abandonment/adultery thing. Did anyone go through this? How do you resolve the two?
2007-01-11 07:03:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You are the better of the relationship. Your reasoning is sound and you are not putting yourself first over the children. Although it isn't necessary for you to rub his nose in this anything he may say or do that leads to to believe that HE feels you're soft on the whole issue can be brought to light in a moments notice. At that time you'll kow exactly when to give him that withering stare and make short mention of your disapproval of his conduct.
But...in the meantime...kudos to you for being civil. In the longrun you'll be pleased with the way you handled it. I have much respect for people like you madam. Although I am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination the term "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall inherit the earth" was clearly written for someone like you.
I wish you the very best of luck for the future and when you establish a new relationship with a man you can trust and love implicitly the same there as well. Plus...its in the best interest of the kids.
2007-01-11 07:14:36 · answer #1 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I actually wish I were saying this to your parents because they should be very proud of you right now. You are doing the right thing in a very difficult situation by remaining a fair parent.
You are going to have internal issues and I wish there was a magic answer to all of that but the reality is that time will mend things in due time.
Continue being the bigger person, at some point in the future you will have a chance to tell him just how you feel (when the children aren't around) and it will be off of your chest. It really does get better!
2007-01-11 15:21:18 · answer #2 · answered by open_phunguy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The children come first. Be nice. It's really important for the children to see that you're the bigger person and that you're not badmouthing him. You have to set an example for them.
You are more mature, and being nice and civilized shows that. I know this sounds strange, but you can't take his behavior towards you personally because it's not about you. It's about his inability to be reliable. My guess is that he is going to go through quite a few women because he isn't reliable. Just watch.
By the way, his leaving did you a BIG favor. Now you are free to find a really good man.
2007-01-15 14:07:20 · answer #3 · answered by D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have seen people go through this and I understand what you mean. I had a friend's ex-husband tell me that his infidelity and abandonment, "Must not be such a big deal since she's nice to me now. I would have screwed around on her earlier if I knew she'd be that nice about it."
So, while you need to be pleasant in front of your children, otherwise I would be polite but very cold. That way you cannot be criticized, but no one could say you were 'okay' with his lack of morals.
2007-01-11 15:10:19 · answer #4 · answered by Karen L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you are not approving the adultery thing...YOU ARE JUST BEING NICE BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO CHILDREN INVOLVED...he knows you don't approve...THE other woman may kick him out..although he'll give another reason...two sides of the story..I WOULD NOT ACCEPT HIM BACK..BECAUSE he could do this to you again...just waiting for someone to come along...make sure you get alimony and child support for yourself and the kids if someone files for divorce...and DO NOT BE NICE WHEN DEALING WITH THIS.divorce...thing...
2007-01-11 15:09:28 · answer #5 · answered by sweet 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's called being the bigger person.
You don't have to be friends with him. Just take care of business in a civilized way. You don't have to be warm, but don't be nasty either. The kids will suffer the most.
Sometimes we have to be nicer to people then they are to us. It's not fair but it's life and it's the right thing to do sometimes.
2007-01-11 15:08:10 · answer #6 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's better for you in the long run. Being angry hurts you, it doesn't bother him at all. Your best punishment for your -ex is to be happy without him. A good website is below, it has a lot of great articles on acceptance. Good luck!
2007-01-11 15:14:13 · answer #7 · answered by Faith 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to first resolve it inside your heart and mind. Being cordial to him tells him and the kids you don't approve of his actions, but you must continue contact for their sakes. You don't have to be nice. Be cordial and firm. You will do fine. And I'm sorry you went thru that, honey.
2007-01-11 15:08:25 · answer #8 · answered by daj11551 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not using your children against each other but the turmoil and the constant bickering is not going to help anyone so being polite is the thing to do . just don't let him walk all over you .
2007-01-11 15:08:47 · answer #9 · answered by kalbri3 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm in the same situation..curious as well... he wants to be friends and talks to me about his life but I kind of am still angry and don't want to hear it. Also don't want to yell at him bc of our child.
2007-01-11 15:08:43 · answer #10 · answered by xoheidixo10 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋