You see I'm so damned lonely
Sitting here with blur in my head
With dreams of cold beer and vodka
Feeling like screaming
Screaming like living
Can you see I'm in pain
Music in my head does nothing to help
Voices I hear make it even worse
I feel like screaming
I feel like living
Don't you know I miss you badly
And drinking vodka does nothing to help
Beer after vodka makes it even worse
I feel like drinking
Drinking is living
Will I learn what to do with myself
Will I learn how to end this torment
Which everyone calls daily routine
I call it screaming
I'm going to scream for life
It's probably obvious that English is not my native language, but I wish to improve it, so your comments on grammar&spelling mistakes I may have made are welcome.
2007-01-11 07:02:29 · 38 answers · asked by Catherine R 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
By the way, I did see it more as a songtext than just a poem. I suppose the music would be something like that of 'Blur'.
2007-01-11 08:12:46 · update #1
Hey Catherine,
It is great, because you took the time to write it. The Meter is different, and your topic seems to be growing pains. Hope your life is well, it seems you end the poem on the right 'note'.
2007-01-11 07:09:12 · answer #1 · answered by BuyTheSeaProperty 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's good! It's got feeling, and the repeated lines drive the point home - the pain keeps enduring.
I like that it's 95% the kind of English an experienced speaker would use, but not 100%. "Sitting here with blur in my head" is an interesting phrase! Maybe you are a little more liberated, not being tied down by every rule.
"Scream for life" is good at the end - because you've ended the poem with a new beginning in a way.
I could imagine this set to music - contemplative, echoing guitar chords, with a crash at the end, going into a fast song. Maybe a bad idea of mine, but there it is.
I liked it!
2007-01-11 07:06:26 · answer #2 · answered by American citizen and taxpayer 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're missing someone badly and it shows. So much feminine angst, Why does it seem to be that women and girls only turn to poetry to vent their personal feelings and give the impression that they are suicidal? Come on, life can't be that bad, there are lots of happy things to write poetry about and contrary to what current wisdom may tell you, it is permissible to rhyme and to make your verse lyrical. Ever since Sylvia Plath, women poets seem to have gone all morose and introspective.
Your English is OK. Try not to be too repetitive, e.g. try to think of alternative words to 'screaming'. There is a modern trend in poetry to avoid punctuation. I find this strange as it is important when reading another poet's work, to know where to pause and where an end stop occurs. We can't always read the other poets' minds.
Here is a verse from a poem of my own. I'm not asking you to comment on it; just hope you may like it.
Sleeping and not sleeping. (excerpt)
Though still, a troubled mind keeps spirit tied
For, ill at ease, to such is sleep denied
And, alone in the empty 'black' of night,
Our wakeful state can wakeful fears incite.
Hope things turn out better for you.
Stay cool-------- Benvee
2007-01-11 08:55:24 · answer #3 · answered by BENVEE 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When I was reading your poem I would never have known that English was your second language. It's a good poem. You might be interested in Leonard Cohens 10 New Songs song called That Don't Make It Junk. It's the same kind of feeling low feeling.
You'd probably like his stuff if you never heard of him before judging by your style of poetry.
2007-01-11 07:09:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes. It's really good. I think a native English speaker would be proud of that. Good effort! The grammar errors look deliberate: "Feeling like screaming, screaming like living" is not grammatical but it's expressive, and poetry is all about bending the rules of grammar to express something.
2007-01-11 07:08:41 · answer #5 · answered by splat 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You mentioned vodka and drink in the same words different times. To be honest from the start i did get bored but dont let anyone tell you if it good or bad because it is perfect at the moment but all you need to do is edit it a little.
Hope i helped
2007-01-11 07:08:35 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes
2007-01-11 07:06:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Great. But you should be careful. Someone might try to steal it. It is the best I've ever read. There weren't any grammar & spelling mistakes.Keep writing more!
2007-01-11 07:07:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you depress? Stay off the alcohol, go out and socialize have fun. The poem sucks. Just to be honest with you.
2007-01-14 06:59:45 · answer #9 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well done. Considering english isn't your first language you did fabulously well. It read OK to me and English is my first language. I've tried writing some stuff in Spanish and it's really hard so I congratulate you on your efforts
2007-01-12 21:17:12 · answer #10 · answered by gerrifriend 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋