Do you think it's OK to email back and forth with and ex-spouse?

Question

I have found out that my husband of 13 years has been emailing his ex-wife for the past year. They were high school sweethearts and have not talked or kept in touch for 15 years or so. Last year she contacted him and came to town and they saw each other. He only knows that I know about the emailing back and forth. He has no idea that I know about his meeting with her. I didnt not know that he met with her until recently. I dont think there is anything going on but it still bothers me. I told my husband many years ago that if he ever got in contact with her again that it would be ok if he let me know about it. When she left him 15 years ago she move across country. I just want to know what other people would feel like if this happened to them. I found an email the other night that he had emailed to her at 2:30 in the am. I feel like they got in touch, said they were sorry to each other and then it should be done. I dont think he should keep emailing her behind my back. What do u think?

Answer 1

I think that you are right, and I suggest to address it, I wouldn't just feel bad about it and not doing anything, I would tell him that I don't think he should be emailing her at 2:30 in the morning when he has a beautiful wife laying in bed waiting for him. I would also tell him that I don't think that its right of him to hide that from you, and ask him whats going on and if he is getting some feelings back for her. Tell him that you are all adults and would like to be able to discuss things that bother you, so suggest to him to open up and tell you why and what about is he talking to his ex-wife about! Good luck

Answer 2

The only problem with this is that he's doing it behind your back despite you having told him that you wouldn't mind them getting in contact. There might be two reasons for this. First, maybe (and taking into account when you told him so) things happened between you that made him doubt whether you would still feel the same way, alternatively your sincerity about it from the beginning. Secondly, he could have been enjoying that "innocent sneaking".

You don't tell what was his reaction when he found out that you knew about the emailing. Maybe you should use his reaction as the basis of testing my assumptions, and if you find that any of them is correct, then find a way of either re-assuring him that you meant what you said, or asking him whether now that you know about their emailing is the whole thing still sweet? You might be surprised that he no longer enjoys it.

All said and done, it is your life and marriage. It is you who should decide its direction. we can give you whatever advice and opinion, but you shall have to decide at some stage. Good luck!

Answer 3

My ex-girlfriend found my e-mail address and contacted me 16 years after we broke up. (we live 400 miles apart) I had been married 10 years and she was on her second marriage of 3 years. We e-mailed for a week just catching up on life and I let my wife read all the e-mails. Then I got an e-mail that said her husband didn't want her e-mailing me anymore??????? My wife and I were both confused about that one. Some people are insecure and have no reason to be BUT others have good reason to be insecure. ONLY YOU know your husband, do you trust him?

Communicate with him and make sure trust and honesty are always present.

Answer 4

It is very possible to have a platonic relationship with an ex (especially if there are children involved, but even if not)
What I would be asking is why he couldn't have enough trust in you to tell you about the meeting. It suggests one of two possibilities
1: He thought you would react badly. After 13 years if he doesn't know you by now then I doubt he ever will.
2: He went there with a mind open to the possibilities. Maybe he knew he still liked her and was hoping for more. Maybe he simply didn't know how he would react and was keeping his options open.

Answer 5

Obviously he knew that you would be upset that he is emailing and meet with her, even if you told him you were okay with it, years ago.

My parents have been divorced for 15 years. They still talk on the phone and have been emailing eachother. Sometimes they will visit with eachother. And all of this happens, without his wife knowing. His wife would make his life miserable if she ever found out that my parents are still friends.

Just tell him that you know. But don't be confrontational about it. Telling him what to do, to end the emailing, puts you in an authoritarian parenting position with him, and not many men like having their wives behaving like a chastising mom, treating them like children.

Answer 6

If it is bothering you then you must tell him. If you keep quiet it will just boil inside you and fester. Also, if he was not hiding anything then why would he not tell you everything. Why would he feel he have to keep it a secret that he meet with her in person. A email here and there to keep in touch would be OK, but constant emails all the time, seems to me he is hiding something. So you must tell him how you feel and you both work out a solution. If he loves you enough he will respect your feelings.

Answer 7

Honestly, I would hate it. Not very logical of me, but I'd still hate it. What would irk me most is the fact that he feels it's necessary to hide the meeting with you....people don't hide things that are on the up and up....perhaps he's afraid of your reaction....perhaps it's deeper than you think. Emailing at 2:30 in the a.m. isn't a good sign in my opinion. Break the silence, tell him what you know and get the bottom of it. He needs to know that it bothers you and it'll give you two a starting point in resolving the issue. Much luck.....I'm really hoping it's all harmless!

Answer 8

In and of itself, I don't see a problem with your husband's writing back and forth with his ex. I DO see a problem with the fact that he's been keeping it hidden from you.

My wife and I agree on this: if you're doing something that you think you need to keep a secret from your spouse, then you probably shouldn't be doing it.

This "problem" (if it is indeed a problem) won't go away on its own, because the two of you need to communicate - that means he needs to be upfront with you regarding his emails to his ex, and you need to be upfront with him that you know that the two of them have met. Secrets are nobody's friend.

He may not come clean with you, but you can at least make the effort by trying to get everything out in the open. Good luck!

Answer 9

It might not be as bad as you think. They had a connection for a long time and sometimes that just doesn't go away. Not that it will go any further than friendship - sometimes people just feel the need to be "connected" to other people - be it friendship or whatever. I am friends only with my exhusband and his current wife isn't mature enough to handle that. I have no interest in being with him whatsoever, we have a son together and other than friendly chit chat once in a while, that's all the further our relationship goes. Doesn't hurt to keep your ear perked to anything that might be going on, but maybe your husband is just friends with her and afraid to start a fight about it if he tells you and start to you think more has happened.

Answer 10

I don't know what factors were involved in their union, i.e., were there children, did he love his ex's parents, etc. I do, however, agree with you that he should be upfront and honest about his contact with her. I think that having been married for 13 years, you know whether or not he is upfront and honest in other matters. If this is the only thing he is guilty of, then my suggestion is bring it up and talk it out. Have a third party intervene, if necessary, such as a counselor or pastor. My prayers are with you =)