When my husband gets mad he starts to SCREAM at me or the kids. He's already called the kids "little a**holes", which really hurt my 8 yo daughters feelings, and has called me other names that I will not repeat. He's been going to counseling for anger management. I don't want to get divorced, I am proud of him that he recognizes the problem, but he doesn't seem to practice what he is learning in counceling. I leave him alone now when he goes on his rampage, but that doesn't mean that what he says doesn't affect me. Sometimes I do feel worthless. I've told him that his words hurt and all he says to me is..."I don't get you. How do words hurt that much?". Then he tells me he's "working on it". It's not just me that I 'm concerned about. I'm worried about my kids. I am a strong woman and can stand on my own two feet, but I made a commitment to love in good/bad times. How do I stop letting his words hurt me?
2007-01-11 05:47:04 · 18 answers · asked by water.bratz 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
yoiu have to leave, even if it just a separation for a little while. I grew up in a household with a father who beat my mother, you can't even imagine the negative , LONG TERM IMPACT this going to have on your daughter. Your daughter is learning how "healthy" relatioinships work based on her relationship with her father. Her father is her first "BOYFRIEND" and what your husband is doing is ripping her self esteem to shreds,, and making her feel worthless.
2007-01-11 05:56:15 · answer #1 · answered by sweet_journey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't answer a ton of these, but hope this helps you sort a few things out......
Good that is is in counseling with anger management--- maybe you should go with him a time or two.
And secondly, I think the guy you have described has no idea what marriage ought to be --- Respect, Admiration, Passion, and Trust. With lots of lovies, kindness, agreement, and when the words can't be said nicely, to just "shut the hell up" until sanity and respect returns...... When he hits the wall, and is insulting, that certainly isn't respect or admiration for you, and for your marriage. When he screams at his children, it is a selfish act -- he is thinking only of himself, not what this will do to his children.... toooooo bad..... Angry people almost by definition feel inferior. To boost that, they trounce on you, children, or anyone to stand taller. Secure people trounce on no one. So, hon, he has lots of issues... I'm happy that you are strong, and can "take" that kind of stuff -- lots of us would have been outa there long ago.
Words are what you feel, and what you feel is who you are, and he apparently from your note is one angry guy. Hope while he is in counseling he can find out what he is angry about, or who he is angry at , and why. (I think if you started to call him a f(l)ucking A($)($)hole, he would come back at you in rage... you could stand there and say what he has said to you: "I don't get you... why do words bother you so much????" Of course you can't do that because you would be lowering yourself, but you might offer that in a discussion......)
Often this personality was raised in a family that all they did was to vent on each other,,,they never learned to solve problems without rage, in other words, never learned to communicate nor negotiate...To them screaming cuss words and the rest of it was all they know, because that is all they saw in their home.... Tell you one thing,,,,,, he has a longgggg way to go before he will be a kind, loving, supportive husband. You are brave to stay. How do you stop letting his words hurt you? You can't, Never... he is saying them TO hurt you and will continue to do so until the issues above have been resolved.... i.e., a complete attitude adjustment, which may take the rest of his life.....
2007-01-11 06:49:10 · answer #2 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may benefit from counseling. It would at least give you an outlet to voice your thoughts. Take your children, for their and your safety away for a while until your husband has completed anger management and practices it. Both of you need a break. After that, try going back to see where your relationship lies. By taking time off, you are not turning back on your commitment. It shows you love your family and want it to become stronger.
Please remember that your children will learn from you. By staying in an environment that is emotionally and verbally abusive, they will learn that negative behavior is acceptable in a relationship.
2007-01-11 05:57:53 · answer #3 · answered by oh what a wonderful world... 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The gratest love of all is the one we feel for our children. Leave him, you say you can start a life on your own. Do it! Give your kids a peaceful environment unless you want them to have psychological problems as they grow up. Don't let an abuser hurt you and your kids. If he is sorry or not does not make a difference if he keeps doing it. YOU CAN DO IT! Research on line "domestic violence" there are tons of websites that can help you that you need therapy too, believe it or not, you may have a condition in which you don't know how to live without an abusive relationship.
2007-01-11 05:55:54 · answer #4 · answered by powerkittykat 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
im a man, my situation is similar to your husbands. when me and my wife/ex-wife/girlfriend (all 1 person) fight sometimes i get heated to the point where i say some really unforgivable things to her. Later after everything has calmed down i realize the ramifications of what i said to her and it honestly hurts me. i have since went to counseling a few times and have learned techniques to prevent me from flying off at the mouth. when i notice a fight a brewing i stop, pause 10 seconds before i say anything to say it in my head 2 - 3 times and listen to myself objectivly. i know it doesnt sound "manly" but life in the house is much better now. try suggesting that to your man, and if he still cant see how his anger and language affects you and the children maybe you should do the most feared thing for a woman to do to a man....hold out the sex. sorry guys
-james
us army soldier
2007-01-11 05:55:10 · answer #5 · answered by jimmyjames83 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't stop letting his words hurt you! You make him understand that not only does he need to continue to go to anger management classes but must take real steps towards correcting himself or he will lose his family.
Can you see yourself in the same situation 5 or 10 years down the road? If not, I suggest you take a stand because the situation will not fix itself without outside help.
2007-01-11 05:56:06 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think a counselor could help you learn the best way to deal with him at these moments. If you want to keep the family together, and he is working on it, then you'll have to learn how to keep your self-respect and protect your kids. Maybe couples counseling too would be useful.
My gut tells me that you can't let your kids be subjected to being called names and being screamed at. You may have to leave temporarily until you think he's gotten the message that he can't do that. Their self-esteem is at stake, as well as their future ability to have a close relationship with partners (especially your daughter). Please put them first. I know you will. Good luck.
2007-01-11 05:55:43 · answer #7 · answered by Savvy Sue 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
speaking from experience, verbal abuse can hurt worse then physical abuse. If you are walking around with a bruise at least it is evident you were hit. Words DO HURT and they chip at your EMOTIONAL body. If he is not seriously trying to change you need to GET OUT. Ask yourself if you want your children to grow up an become the type of person he is??? If not then you need to make a change because it doesn't sound like he is
2007-01-11 05:58:19 · answer #8 · answered by tattoo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its definitely something that s not easy...I am only 17 and havent been married obviously sooo my advice prolly wontbe taken seriously..But I like how protective you are over your children and its not as easy as one two three to just let the man you feell in love with treat you like dirt...Soo you have to stay strong and let him see the pain he is enduring you...he is has put you through alot and if he truely loved you he should understand heneeds to stop...its not right
2007-01-11 05:53:11 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi! You are very good wife and more your are very good mum.
There is pressure in all guys. However, this does not justify and wrongs.
He is going anger management...which is very GOOD...
Just give him some times.... encourage him to workout everyday also you go with him... exercise is very good for our BRAIN...as you know our brin is all chemical...exercise is balancing it...Good luck
2007-01-11 05:58:55 · answer #10 · answered by DJ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋