How do I handle this frustration?

Question

I am a newly married woman (approx. 2 mos.) and my husband just started working this job where he works for 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week. I am starting to feel really neglected, frustrated, etc. because for one he doesn't come home straight home from work because he is always running around doing something for someone else, etc. When he finally does get home, he's too emotionally and physically tired to even give me any kind of attention. He eats, takes a shower and off to bed he goes. He hardly says anything to me unless I drag a conversation out of him. He just doesn't seem to be emotionally there for me, even though he proclaims to love me and so forth. How do I handle this frustration. I just feel he has so much to say to everyone else, but when it comes to me he's sooo tired. What do I do before my relationship dies from lack of attention?

Answer 1

There are two things going on here. One is that you need to somehow communicate to your husband that even though you understand why he is busy and stressed, he still needs to find a way to continue to contribute to his primary relationship. He needs to understand that you should be a primary focus of his life, not the last thing he saves any energy for during a typical day. You also need to find a way to get this message across without sounding like a clinging, dependent woman.

The other thing is that you need to become more independent yourself. The last thing a guy likes is a whiny, sour woman at home complaining about how he's not doing enough of something or not meeting your needs.

My suggestion is to find a way to gently turn the tables on him without being vindictive. Join a church and get involved.....Volunteer. Develop an outside interest that involves being with other people....Take a course at night a couple of days a week. In addition to taking the focus away from him, you might become healthier yourself and find you don't need as much attention from him. It might also help him to actually miss you and move closer to you. I know how hard that is to do as a newlywed, but you really have to buck up and learn to enjoy being apart from him.

It is not uncommon for married couples to be apart and busy with other things most of the day. However, that said, he needs to understand that you need your daily "alone time" with him in which there are no distractions, and he needs to make time for that. No more excuses. If he doesn't want to enter into the process then unfortunately I think there is more wrong with your relationship than just an inability to prioritize. But you need to find a positive way to communicate all of this to him without sounding nagging.

Also, make gentle, positive suggestions that draw in his attention. Make a special dinner. Talk about something that touches both of you emotionally. Plan a romantic weekend away. If he doesn't take the bait and still acts distant, then confront him directly but gently with what I said above about needing to make daily alone time for you and see what happens. Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

Since you're newly married, you have to be very tactful in broaching this subject with him. He seems quite busy and maybe even a bit down with things that are happening at work. I'm just asking you to give him the benefit of the doubt. And for some, the changes in life through marriage is reason enough to have mood swings, tensions, and some apprehension. Some manage to cloak it well and some just don't.

He could use some reassurance and words of encouragement that he's a hard working person and that's something you love about him. I'm sure you might have taken a positive approach at first. Just be a little more patient and supportive ~ things will definitely improve.

I totally agree that you deserve and need all the attention you can get from him right now. Especially being newly married, you expect things to be very romantic, intimate, passionate, and a lot of fun. It sure can be very frustrating for you.

But in the big picture, if you can come to terms that everything isn't exactly the way it's supposed to be in a marriage, and be willing to give him your best support, that's the best you can do.

If you'd like to discuss more on this please don't hesitate to IM/email me anytime. Good luck.

Answer 3

This is a problem I had as well, married for 3 years now and have two kids. My husband works at evening hours and is off during the week, I work day hours and am off on the weekend. If it were not for our cell phone I do not think we would talk sometimes.

The best thing I can suggest is to make the most of the time you do have with him. Leave him little notes that tell him how much you miss him, and he will feel more prone to put you first. If you start harrassing him about it you will become the nagging needy wife, and no man wants that. You need to fill your time with your interest (hobbies, classes, etc.) in the mean time, this will give you two something to talk about too. Something else that works for us to to send each other email, some people think it is strange to email someone you live with but it helps.

This is actually quite a common problem with couples, one counselor I listen to on the radio says that the wife sees obtaining the husband as the challenge so after the wedding she wants to settle in and start nesting. While the husband sees securing the family as the challenge so after the wedding he isn't ready to get comfortable and nestle into the nest, he has to conquer the financial dragon and start establishing something for your future together. Often times the man will feel that by going to work and putting in so many hours he is showing you that he loves you.

Take a deep breath, you are going to make it through this. Just try to think of ways to reconnect that are not too demanding on either of your schedules. He can not think that you are always waiting around for him either, if you have other obligations he will see that he has to make more of an effort to get onto your schedule too. Even though you are married now some of the games we play during dating still apply don't bee too accessible, he has to see you are in demand and he may miss out if he doesn't speak up.

I hope this is helpful & good luck to you.

Answer 4

Try not being home sometimes. Once or twice a week (change days each week) cook dinner and leave a note on the frig., telling him dinner's in the oven and you'll be home soon. Then leave. Take in a movie, visit a friend, go shopping, or to the library. Whereever you go, be sure you look decent and that you have evidence of being there. Even if you arrive only 10 minutes after him, be sure he gets home first.

If he asks where you've been, smile pretty and tell him in a way that let's him know you enjoyed yourself. Like: "Oh, I had to pick up a few things at the mall, and it was just so crowded. How was your day, honey?" Trust me, your husband will soon become annoyed with this and start showing you more attention.

Answer 5

Unfortunately with the high cost of living and having to work long hours to make a pay check stretch to cover everything it can make having a life away from work very difficult. I imagine he feels the same way as you do and would like to spend more time with you. You never said if you are working too, if not, perhaps if you got a job it would allow him to take a job where he wouldn't have to work so many hours a week and there would be more time for each other plus it would give you the chance to interact with other people and not feel so lonely. I hope it works out for you, good luck.

Answer 6

my wife and i have been married for almost 4 years now. it takes a little work from both people, but a lot more understanding. he needs to understand how you feel, but you too need to realize that he is just starting his career and if he works the bare minimum he will never really get anywhere. it will be draining on both of you for a while but realize that the hard work now will pay off later when you have kids and your family is in a better financial position. that way he can spend more time at home when you really need him too. its hard but try to look at it more in the long term. as far as doing things for others, i am the same way and it used to bother my wife, now she sees how what goes around comes around. my friends are always around doing things for us. the first year or so is an adjustment time, you are both adjusting, but you are laying the foundation for a family and that will all come into place.

Answer 7

I am sure he doesn't mean to neglect you and is focussed on providing for you and your family that you will make together. The key thing is to communicate and not have sound like you are nagging... Plan a special dinner one night and greet him when he comes home with a passionate embrace. As you are enjoying yoru meal express to him that you love him, and you want to spend as much time as possible with him but you feel his focus is on work rather than home. Make a commitment to one another to spend your weekends on each other.

On the flip side, do you work? If not, maybe you should look into finding a job so that your time is used productively and show him that he isn't soley responsible for providing for the family.

Answer 8

Ahhh Stella.....despite being newlyweds he's settled back into a routine that I'm sure he had long before he met you. I'd suggest discussing it with him rationally and reasonably and just tell him you'd like to spend abit more time with him than you have been. That would be the best tact to take.
The up side of this is at least he's home, you know where he is and he isn't boozing or banging broads behind your back.
Inside of every dark cloud there's always a silver lining.

Answer 9

Just explain to him that you understand the toll his job is taking on him, but also explain to him the way you are feeling. Don't hide this from him....you need to talk to him about this. Suggest some alone time on the day off. But again, I stress, communicate with him!!!! Then take it from there. If he asks what you would like to do, just give him some ideas. Good luck!!!

Answer 10

Instead if sitting there waiting for your husband why don't you get up, get out and get some activites of your own? do you even know what it's like to work 12 hour days, or to work two jobs? it's very exhausting. instead of dragging a conversation out of your husband why don't you turn to your friends instead? and if you don't have any...why don't you get some hobbies or other activies to keep you busy (out of the house/home/apartment) so that you can make new friends? you can sit there and be misreable or you can get up, get out, and do something for you.