In a marriage that is dead, do you stay for the kids sake or get out?

Question

Been married for 12 years. Not in love anymore. Do I stay for the kids sake or do I call it quits and start over? He's not abusive and he does have a job. But I can't stand to be around him. I left once for 6 months and it took a toll on the kids so I came back. What's your opinion?

Answer 1

sweetie, children know when something is wrong, i use to pray my parents would get a divorce! there was no love in my home , staying for children only hurts them in the long run, i would have love it ,if they could have really gotten along, i saw my friends parents so happy and hug eachother, but all i heard was fighting and crying, they will like to see you both happy much better, they are just scared right now. good luck and GOD BLESS.

Answer 2

When my eldest were 3 and 1, I divorced their father because we did not get along. We argued ALL the time and fought occasionally. I did not feel this was an enviroment I wanted my kids to grow up in. They are now 12 and 10 and haven't known us to be any other way. Sometimes the eldest asks me why we didn't stay together cause she thinks things would be easier that way. The real question I guess is, how bad is the relationship. And how old are the kids? Is the enviroment something they can grow up in or is it intolerable (remember, they will model after the way you and your husband deal with eath other when they get older) If they are over 5, they will have a hard time with you two splitting up, but in the long run it may be better for them if things are bad. If they are older than 12, I'd consider sticking it out until they get into HS when they can understand that things just aren't working out. It's really your call here

Answer 3

That's difficult.Only because it's difficult to make some thing from nothing.Yet the two of you do have some thing and that's your family.What's the sense in destroying your kids happiness and possibly harming their emotions because you are no longer happy?This situation goes far deeper than just your feelings for feelings change often and without warning at times.I would advise you to get your self into some good counseling and discover what it is you are feeling because breaking up your family because you don't feel what you use to is a cop out.The most important thing here is you finding out why you feel these feelings and what you need to do to fix the problem.Hurting your kids is not the solution and you need to teach them not to be quitters and teach them the value of marriage and family.Sure you go through very hard times and quitting is always the way out if you are not courageous,but you need to show the kids and your husband that all of you are in this for the long haul and you will not give up this family without a fight.Things may not work out,but you have to do all you can to change your way of thinking because it is you who seem to have the problem.Please try to remember those old feelings you use to have for him and try to do things on your end to bring some of the love back,don't give up easily for your children will appreciate seeing their parents struggle to keep love alive,not just for them,but for the two of you as well,what a gift to the kids and the world if the two of you could reconcile your differences and fall in love again,this time as adults..Try,pray and God will help for there's not much He loves more than the sanctity of the marriage bed.Good Luck..

Answer 4

no i think it takes more of a toll on the kids to know that there parents are unhappy together. unless you guys can make a genuine go of it and become happy together again, because if you can make it work with the father of your children that is really the best way. when you start bringing steparents and stepchildren into the picture things tend to get very difficult. but don't stay just for the children they will know that, do try to make one last go of it before you take off though to be happy as a couple. if you do go make every effort to get along for the sake of the children, do not use them as pawns, that is what will hurt them. you and your husband take counseling to be parents you don't have to be married to be co-parents and that means putting the kids needs before your need to hurt each other

Answer 5

I was married for 17 years , I have been divorce for 10 now and have never remarried, For the last five years of my marriage i stayed for the kids, but what i soon learned is i was hurting my kids more than i would if i left there dad sooner i am not sure about your situration, but when you are not happy your kids are not happy when you fight with him your kids are afriad, Now a divorce is not easy by no means and it sure is a adjustment for the kids, but me and my ex husband have remain friends and we do alot together with our kids. We have try very hard to make it as easy as we could on them, they both are just wonderful kids in college and they are happier than i have ever seen them. Leave if that is he way you feel because to be honest you are not being fair to any one in your family. Good luck to you

Answer 6

Well I'm not an adult, but my parents divorced when I was 7 so I'll give you the kids point of view on all of this.
I understood that my parents weren't in love, and when they told me they were living in separate houses, sure I was sad, but I knew it was for the better. I think you should divorce, but still keep a civil relationship with him so your kids see that you are willing to do all this for them. Try to work it out so you can both have equal time with the kids, and all of that. And one thing that did have an effect on me is the fact that my parents argued a lot in front of me, and I lost a lot of respect for them. I've gained it back now, but back then I thought my parents were adults and were too smart to argue. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but if they're anywhere from 8 - 13, try not to argue in front of them.
I'm 14 now and it's been 7 years, and everything has been calmed down for a while.

I'm sorry if none of this really helped, but this might be your kid's point of view on all of this. Best of luck.

Answer 7

Well I understand your concern for the kids but it's not fair to your husband if your staying with him out of obligation. You should be with him out of love. It sounds like he is a good guy but if you can't stand being with him your only making yourself unhappy and that is no way to live life. Your supposed to find the right one to spend the rest of your life with. If your husband isnt it then you need to let go. In the end it would actually be better for the kids if your real with them than to pretend on their behalf. What ever you do just make sure in the end you are happy with the results. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Many a psychologist would say that the kids are better off if you stay together providing there is no abuse or neglect going on. It might be a good time to consider counseling preferably with your spouse but go alone if you have to. Find ways to bring it back to life if you can.

Answer 9

And how much of a toll is knowing their parents are miserable making the entire family miserable putting on the kids? Don't make them your excuse for staying in a lousy marriage. Once that happens both your and your children will resent each other because of it. You'll blame them for being "stuck" they will blame you for "trapping" them and no one will be happy. Yes it will be hard on EVERYONE at first but the kids will adapt.

Answer 10

i say get out and be there for the kids because i just cant stand when a married couple stay together only for the kids and the kids notice then they go to school and talk about it and they grow up wondering well why did they get married in the first place my parents got divorce when i was really young so i know how it feels for kids i prefer just to get out of the relationship