Opinion needed please!?

Question

OK,I have a long story about a fledgling friendship that I shot down in 1 swift stroke. I need to know if I did the right thing or not.
I have a fellow worker, he is gay and has no interest in me like that, nor do I being married. Anyway, I invited him to a speech club meeting of mine, he came. We chatted and had a good time. He invited me and hubby over to his house with his lover and kids. My hubby has a problem with this lifestyle, so he declined. Now, there is another variable, hubby's mom just passed away before christmas, lots of anguish there and grief from him. I said I would be there, which I have been, but have lots on my own plate as well.
Back to the new friend. I tried emailing and calling him, he'd answer, but said he'd call and never did. As a last ditch effort, mind you, over a month, I wrote him a note of somewhat "expectations". He wrote back the next day and said I was too aggressive and pushy and he was reconsidering our "acquaintanceship".

Ran out of room...the day before I said I wanted to be his friend, and he said that I am...the next day he calls me an acquaintance? The most we've said to each other all year is a brief "happy new year" wish and "hey". What do I do? I can't leave things like this!

Answer 1

My motto is, if he can back away from your friendship so easily then he was never a friend. I wouldn't worry about it. You put yourself out there and you couldn't have done anything different. Just be happy and try making new friends. You seem like a very nice person and if he could slap a friend in the face that way, he wasn't worth the effort of a friendship. The relationships you have with friends are just like the ones you have with everyone else. It takes two to make it and if he wasn't willing to be a participant in that relationship, then he wasn't worth your time. Hope you find many good friends from here on out.

Answer 2

Ok, I think the issue here is about your husband. If your husband is not approving of that lifestyle, you need to respect that, even if you don't agree. If it makes your husband uncomfortable to begin to have a social relationship with another couple, then your first priority is to your husband. (I would say the same thing if it was your husband who wanted to befriend another couple with whom you were not comfortable... it's a two way street)

Second, you made the comment that your husband's mom died- which is a BIG deal- and you said you would "be there... but have lots on your plate as well." Are you for real? It sounds like you're more concerned with this "friendship" and how he views you, then caring about your husband. If my wife's mom or dad died, I would be there for her, and she would be my first priority.

Third, your should remember that it's possible to have an emotional affair, even if there is nothing physical. Is it possible that this friend is sensing that you're looking for something from him (emotional intimacy) that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing?

It just doesn't sound like a good situation overall: your husband isn't comfortable having this couple as friends, he is grieving, and your more concerned about this friend. Maybe you ought to let your friend have his space, and put your husband back as a main priority.

One last thing: my priorities in life are very firm: God, family, career, in that order. A friendship with a woman, even if totally innocent, takes a backseat- way, way back- to my wife's needs.

Hope this helps!

Answer 3

I think your friend is acting out over grief. He might be gay, but he's still a man. Back off a bit and give him some "space," since men don't view grief the way women do. Women, by nature, console each other and talk about their feelings. Men, gay or straight, usually don't. His response was harsh and uncalled for, but I think he needed time to himself to get over his mother's death and go back to "being a man." Apologize if you offended him (note that you aren't apologizing for the note, you're apologizing for offending him. keep that as a mental note, don't say it to him), then back off. If he ever cared about you at all, he will eventually come to his senses and want to be friends again.

Answer 4

could you write him a letter, maybe meet over coffee, and really have a heart to heart talk with him
alot of times, people will read letters where they might not listen to you otherwise
good luck

Answer 5

well you can try again ..but it sounds like he's not going to be receptive to you..I don't know what happened but I suspect more than what you are telling (maybe you know no more) Perhaps did your husband say something insulting to him?