An essay written by a girl,17yrs old ... What do you think?

Question

- SHATTERED -

A piercing scream cut through the air and made my heart freeze. The sounds of anguished cries and lamentation flooded the place. All around, people were scattered, monstrous explosives lit up the place.
The atmosphere was a regular Mediterranean evening - warm and motionless, little did I know that my world was about to be shattered forever...

I looked up at her colourless face and tried to be strong…
"I will not let them take you." I whispered bravely into her ear, touching on what was the worst of her fears. "Even if it’s the last thing I must do."
I knew it was too late, yet, I clenched onto the little hope I had left.

“Don’t lose faith, oh my son” In shackles beside the auctioning block the dark-haired woman said courageously. Her handlers were brute and intolerant of her sorrow, one of the pair of burly men slapped her across the face to shut her up, causing her to stumble and fall, landing on her (continued below...

hands, the binders cutting into the soft flesh of her wrists.

I bit my lip, anger penetrated deep within me. I could bear the sight of my precious mother being agonized, no more! I felt the soldier’s hands tighten around me as I try to move.

The nightmare of losing my beloved father still tormented my now, faint heart. Supposedly this war was to protect a far away country who felt threatened by the powers here. Flashbacks replayed in my mind, the blood seeping from his stomach and dripping from his back, despite his intense pain, he showed little emotion. I remember my father’s gentle eyes gazing deep into my beautiful mother’s, his last words were designed to comfort… “Someday we will be together again…” and he breathed no more. “Hai..th..um...? Haithummm! NO!” My mother cried, before bursting into a fury of tears.
Dad was gone forever.

I could not lose mother too. I looked into her violet eyes, once filled with happiness and joy, now replaced with pain and (continued...

sorrow. Unable to resist any longer, I broke away and seized hold of what seemed like a weapon – a weighty rod standing nearby. Suitable enough. Rushing forth towards the brawny solider, I tried piercing it deep into him, only to be violently flung aside.

I watched as one of the handlers pulled my mother roughly to her feet. “No!” I hissed angrily. With solemn steps she was forced to follow them, who were, in my eyes, nothing but ruthless villains. “Murderers!” I exclaimed in outrage! Injured and powerless, I hear the solider say to his comrade “His done for, move out”. “Roger!” came the cold reply. The sound of footsteps could be heard through the door as the pace quickened before fading out completely. My blood ran cold. She would never return. Mama… Mama! I screamed in silent pain, my tender life of 9 little years on this earth was ruined. I would never live in joy again!

I watched from a distance as she was led away, I wept bitterly…
----
Based on a true-life story

Please rate from a scale of 1 - 10

Answer 1

Very well written, but it isn't an "essay" - its very good writing though - especially for a 17 year old! I don't want to rate it on a 1-10 scale though - I just want to say that I think it is VERY good!

Answer 2

As others have said, it's not an essay. It is a good piece of writing. Any grade given would depend upon the purpose. If it is supposed to be an essay, the grade could not be good, because it is not an essay.

There is some good imagery, though some of the dialog and language is a bit stilted, depending upon the historical period the writing is meant to represent. There are some discrepancies such as "Mama" and "Dad". Usually if someone calls their mother "Mama" then the father is not called "Dad". Also, my impression was that the historical period was not today, and "Dad" is a relatively modern term.

If i was grading it as a short story of a high school student I might give it an A, depending on the nature of the assignment. It certainly has the makings of a good story.

Take care.

Answer 3

That's a great piece of prose but it's not at all an essay. An essay is an informative piece of writing with a thesis statement and supporting paragraphs of arguments for that thesis statement.

As a creative writing assignment - 9
As an essay - 0

Answer 4

well, it seems more like a short story or monologue or something and it is good. a little sad and full of sorrow and touching. i don't feel like rating this one too, hehehe but i assume u its great.

Answer 5

9!!

Answer 6

touching