I need serious help here!!! and serious answers ONLY?

Question

I was sexually abused by my stepdad from age 6 thru 12 when they divorced. I have a 12 yr old son who gets mad & says im overprotective and treating him like a baby. I let any friends come visit & stay over, but i wont let him go to any sleepovers. I wanna know where he is every minute and with whom. I have trust issues i know. But i dont know how to cut the cord. I want to keep him safe. I dont want anything to happen to him like it did to me. Am i being over protective? If so, how do i let go a little & feel safe about it? Im not sure i can give in on this one...im so afraid for him & of what could happen & once it happens you cant turn back the clock & fix it.

Answer 1

Without giving details, tell him that something very bad happened to you when you were younger. Now it's very hard to let go of him, but you will try very hard to work on it. You may even want to see a Dr. But, at his age, you should really let him go. The first time will be hardest, but after that, it should get easier. You can't let him pay for what happened to you. Good luck.

Answer 2

Does he know what happened you? if he doesn't then if you told him he might understand why you are so protective over him. I don't think never telling him if he doesn't know would do you any favours by not telling him and he finding it out in later years. to come by someone else telling him.Life is hard and when things hasen't been good and it's not your fault you just wonder why? Sounds like you have a wonderful son but he is 12 and needs his own space and for you to trust him a little bit more. I was very over protective towards my boys but once they are 18 they go there own way and do what they want cause they say they are old enought too i suppose they are right. my friend has just told her family 5 years ago that she was sexually abused as a child she is in her forty's now and they still can't accept what has happened a family member also done it too her.have you ever had counseling. i hope everything works out for you and it's sad to hear another person has not been treated well in there childhood hold you head high you are in my prayers

Answer 3

OK the best i can do is encourage you to sit with him and try to explain what he can do if the situation comes up and maby enrol him in some kind of self defence classes, that way you can trust that he can defend himself and that he knows that its definetly wrong for some1 to do that to any person, also he would probably think the classes were cool and he would enjoy himself while learning!!!! if you wrap him in cotton wool now, when it does come time to really let him go he will have no idea how to deal with these types of situations.

as long as you educate him so he can determine when some1 is not rite then he will be able to know when to stay home himself and he wont end up resenting you, it may also bring you 2 closer and he will feel safe to talk to you about this kind of situation.

good luck and im sorry you had to go through something like that with your stepdad.

Answer 4

I understand how you feel. The best thing for you to do is go see a family counsiler and have a talk. They will help you find peace with your situation. You are just being a mother and its normal. Being worried about our kids is what we do best. Maybe you can have a talk with him, explain why you feel this way but dont go into to much detail with him. Just let him know that someone you loved hurt you at one time and you want to make sure he is okay. Also tell him that he can come to you if something happens no matter how bad it is and that you will always love him.

Answer 5

does he have a cell phone? if so, tell him to text you every so often. from personal experience, sleepovers are actually erm...hangovers? [haha that sounds too wrong], because all i end up doing is staying awake with my friend all night, telling jokes, gossiping, etc...

if he doesn't have a cell phone, then he can just use his friend's house phone if their family doesn't have a problem with it.

you really should let your kid go have a sleepover, though...he needs to hang out with his friends to develop social skills, too! the exception is if the friend's family is fishy. if that's the case, you can just ask him to bring his friend over to your house for a sleepover- then you know your kid is safe and having fun with his friend.

as for age...my first sleepover away from home was when i was 11. so i think your son is certainly old enough.

Answer 6

Welcome to parenthood!!

A serious question, you say? Here's some serious answers.

Kids will do anything within their power to exert their control over their parents; you're experiencing this now.

Don't want him to be on any sleepovers? That is your perogative as a parent. Instead of simply saying no to your child, I suggest trying to explain your concerns to your child. It may/may not work, but at least your child now has your thoughts and concerns about the subject.

Do a serious self-evaluation of what you believe; take the most amount of time you need. Have several discussions with your child.

In time, I hope things will work out for you. But in the meantime, please don't let your child manipulate you.

Answer 7

Wow. I can relate to that. when i was 4 my mother met a man at our not to be offensive but at our Catholic Church Ceremony and when I was 6 she married him. He molested me right after i turned 7 and it took me awhile to tell my mother. Then when i told her because i was so young and confused, i started to think that it was a dream so my mother didn't properly take care of it for 3wks. When she did social services (OCS) stepped in and actually really didn't help. Because me and my mother loved him so much it was very hard for us to file a complete complaint. So OCS took custody away from my mother and gave it to my grandparents. well once my grandparents accepted FULL custody over me and at the time 2 little brothers OCS left. It was horrible. My mother and I were the only ones in our entire family that loved him. noone else understood because he did have some issues at the time(drinking,gambling,even drugs) but he loved me and my mom and brothers so much he did everything in his power to keep us safe. Well after what he did to me my mother and all of my family canceled all sleepovers and i wasn't even aloud to go to my friends house in the afternoon. (u must understand because of all the horrible things that ocs kept saying about my mother they didn't leave us alone for three yrs.) It changed my whole family's way of thinking completly.) Social Services forced my mother to go and stay in a mental hospital... and then they put her in counseling. But the counseling that OCS provided believe it or not it was a program to rehabilitate me and my mother and to figure out different ways of letting this man back into our life which screwed us up even more.
It has now been almost 8 yrs since i was molested. At first i wouldn't even walk through the house by myself and i had to sleep with my mother for 2 yrs. my mother and i didn't trust men or even women for atleast 3yrs. Slowly over time though we have progressed. I now have sleepovers constantly. my mother is currently engaged to a wonderful man that does not have any of the kind of problems that my first step father had. I am enrolled in the Junior high where i live and my 3 brothers go to the elementary school. We live a much better life.

Here are a few things that might help.

1.talk to your regular doctor and see what he may recomend. its your option but it might help. look into other people experiences with the therapist though to see if that may be the right choice.

2. get to know your sons parents. try to have FAMILY get togethers like game nights and just little events like parks and such.

3. get to know your sons other friends that sleepover at the the persons house often that your son wants to stay at. talk to that persons parents and see how there children enjoy there stay at the friends house. it might help you feel more comfortable to have other parents opinions on the people.


I hope this helps. Again I am so sorry for what happened to you and i understand your fears of it possibly happening to your son. I am extremly over protective of my younger brothers and who they interact with. i'm what some people might call the second mom.


I'm sure everything will work itself out in time.

Sincerly,
Nicole

Answer 8

IT SOUND LIKE YOUR DOING A GOOD JOB PROTECTING YOUR SUN BUT NOT EVERY ONE IS A JERK LIKE YOUR STEPDAD. IF YOUR SON WANTED TO SLEEP OVER AT SOMEONES HOUSE TALK TO THE PARENTS AND ANY OTHER ADULT THAT MIGHT BE IN HOUSE TO MAKE YOU FEEL SECURE ,OR HAVE SLEEP OVERS AT YOUR HOUSE. BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO GET HELP WITH WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.

YOU CAN'T TURN BACK THE CLOCK , BUT YOU CAN TRY TO FIX IT

Answer 9

at 12 he has not had a sleepover. I think you have no choice. You need to let go or you will have a rebelious kid on your hands. You need to start trusting him. You don't have to trust others... but trust that he knows when to call.. what to do... i am sorry you went through that. You paid dearly. I don't think he wants to pay for it too.

Answer 10

Yes you need to take some steps into letting him become independant or you will regret this later on. Either he will be under you and never function alone....or he will resent you and lie to you later on if not already to get somewhere. I'd much rather "let" my child have some time then him sneak out in the night when it's more dangerous! Please get some help for you it's not his fault you know? I wish you luck!