How long do I give someone to get their life together? My husband is an addict what is a reasonable time?

Question

He is a cop who has an alcohol and addiction problem it has been two years since this all started. We have two great kids who really need their father. He has major health problems. I feel like I'm letting my family down if I consider spliting up. Whatw do you think

Answer 1

You don't give him anymore time. It has been two years now. Tough love. He has to be the one that fights his own battles, If you have to leave, then, you have to leave. Would you rather live with this until he decides to get help, or would you rather live your life the way you always wanted? I know this is a very sore subject, but if he can't fix this problem and if he doesn't want to, then what makes you so sure that you can fix it for him. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I have had an alcoholic father, mother and two sisters. It may not be my husband, but I was once a daughter who saw it all and learned from it all.
There is a show on every Sunday at 10:00pm, on A&E. It is called Intervention. You can learn a lot from the show. It is a very intense show.

Answer 2

All police departments have health insurance that covers addiction problems. Before giving up on your husband offer him the opportunity to take back his life and get him into a program. He just might be surprised about how many others have the same type of problem. These groups are great because once he commits he'll always have someone he can count on for support. That is besides you because you'll still play the most important role by being his wife. The down side is if he won't, then don't waste your life trying to stay with him because he'll just drag you down.

Answer 3

Let me start by saying if there is any chance that he is a danger to you or your kids, it is your responsibility to get out of the situation. If this is not the case, however, I think you owe him a chance. Understand first that true addicts don't want to be addicted. But, it isn't safe or healthy for him or your family to keep going this way.
His profession makes it even harder. I am assuming his addiction is not a legal one, so admitting he has a problem and asking for help (which is not easy for anyone) is even harder because he will likely lose his job. If you are really ready... get a support group together and create a plan. Make sure that he knows how much you love him and that you are ready to help him through this, but he has to make steps in the right direction. Make sure you are willing to do whatever it takes to help him if he is really ready to quit.
If he can't make the commitment and seek help, it would probably be better for the kids to grow up away from their father than to make them watch what addiction does to him.

Answer 4

Do you mean he is addicted to alcohol or a drug too?

Anyway, if he is addicted to alcohol and living in the home with kids..not a good example for being a cop? If you have known this for 2 years now that he's been drinking, have you ever thought about him getting some counseling for his addiction and maybe going into a re-hab center?

For him being a cop, that is not a good example for the kids. Kids look up to cops because they are suppose to help people. That is their job. It must be hard for you and the kids, but if you want to help him, then you need to ask him to get the help he needs.

Being a cop can be a stressful job, but I think there are counselors that even the Police Departments can provide for their employees in case they have some type of problem that can help them. If he has major health problems, he shouldn't be drinking either, that will make his health with much higher risk.

If he is abusive to you when he drinks, then that is when you need to remove yourself and your kids from the home. Parents are suppose to protect their children from a mad man. Don't feel bad because of what your family would say, you could tell them, that you were protecting you and your kids!

If he is not abusive, but abusive to alcohol, then that is when you sit down to talk to him (when he is sober), tell him how you feel about him drinking all the time. Tell him you are concerned with his health. Tell him you want him to stop by admitting himself to a rehab program to get some help. Tell him you love him too and don't want to see him like that, especially in front of the kids. Now if he has a problem with that, and he doesn't make any decisions to do anything about his problem, then that is when you will know that he doesn't care about how you feel. He just cares about his addiction. When they say they will stop and continue with drinking, they are lying to you. They are in denial. They think they don't have a problem, but they do. Denial.

So you have that right to remove yourself and the kids from the home if he is unwilling to seek help, only if he is abusive to you or the kids. And if after he does seek help while you two are together, be there for him and support him with his decision. Don't nag him. Support him and comfort him. He doesn't need to hear about it anymore, because he will have the help already. Just be there for him. Remember your marriage vows, (sickness and in health, for better or for worse....). Do what you can to help him.

Not sure if I read it correctly, but you mentioned that it has been two years since he started, so he's been like this for two years. For you being his wife, why didn't you try to help him within the two years? Something to think about.

Your kids need a father, not a cop who abuses alcohol. (smile)

Answer 5

i have had a considerable amount of experience with addictions.not my addictions, but family members.my mother was an alcoholic, for my brother- it was coke, then crack, and the same for my sister. and im telling you straight up- your kids will not need him as a father if he is not working on it in an aggressive manner. most will not even admit they have a problem. those are hopeless.no future for them.i sound bleak,i know. a few learn to keep their addictions under control,most do not. and most families become enablers to these people.if he has not at least gotten to the point that he readily admits he has a problem, then either take your kids,leave.and get professional advise,or stay and be prepared for many lies, empty promises, and one let-down after another.dont the police have a program for their own who are suffering with this? i am so sorry for you and your family.i have dealt with this all my life. my mom and brother didnt make it-they died from drug and alcohol related illnesses.my sister is currently under my care. i hold my breath for her and say alot of prayers

Answer 6

Everybody's quick to cut and run these days. You said in sickness and in health. Now with that said if there is abuse going on get out now. Otherwise recovery can take a while. I would think that if he is making consistent progress and is really trying to put it back in order stick it out.
My wife and I have been through alot and one thing I have learned is sometimes I carry her and sometimes she carries me that is what we pledged.
Here's wishing you and you children the best no matter what you decide

The key here is consistent forward progress. And he must be taking the problem seriously enough that he doesn't try to go it alone. Hence AA or a similar program.

Bottom line is that every day and every action has to be committed to rebuilding his life and his family.

Otherwise you gotta go.

Answer 7

I agree with the other answerer, you need to do an intervention now. Consult an addictions counsellor from a rehab clinic, get his family and friends together including your children if they are old enough and confront him and get him to go to rehab. You don't have to divorce him, but I'd definitely say something like "quit this shite or I'm out of the house" and seperate.

Answer 8

You would be called an enabler.

I'm willing to bet you've had this conversation with him on several occasions and still not getting any participation on his part.

If his department has a psychiatrist on board, you may want to consult with him/her, and find out if there is such a thing as "mandatory" therapy. He would be more of a threat to his fellow officers if he were under the influence while on duty.

Answer 9

you cant put a time on these things this is serious ,first is he ready to get help if he is are you ready to stand by him because this is gonna be one of the hardest times of you and your families life, this effects everyone not just u and him ,if you really love him help him to get help if he is ready ,if he isnt ready there is nothin you can do to help him you have to let him hit the bottom just dont let him bring you and the kids down also because if you let him he will ,but you really need to let him no how you feel and make sure he understands ither he gets help or you have to think about you and your kids

Answer 10

You've already waited too long. One minute is too long when lives are at stake.

Get family and friends together who know his personal history and addiction problems. Confront him together. Have someone there also who can intervene and take him to a rehab place RIGHT THEN.

You have to have tough love. He should not be allowed to live with you and/or your children if he can't stay clean and sober. He is doing permanent damage to your entire family.

DO IT TODAY.