when is porn considered an addiction? I tried to have sex with my significant other in the morning and he was basically not responsive, asking me when I had to leave and I got frustrated and said don't worry you don't have to have sex with me I have to leave. Then I came home and noticed he had been on porn sites and downloading videos? Anyone see some issues with this? Now I can justify that he was just waking up so maybe he felt lazy but ... I am going to try again tonight and if I don't get any response I'll add to this and in the meantime someone tell me their thoughts. I love this person but he seems to have a lot of issues. I worry about depression with him. I worry about cheating because he tries to hide his porn. He claims to not like certain types of people (something I feel very strongly in disagreeement with him) yet he is downloadng porn of exactly what he says he hates. I am so confused. Please be kind to me in your answers. I am already hurting enough.
2007-01-10 12:49:21 · 31 answers · asked by dribble 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This person is addicted and unless he admits it and gets some help it's not going to go away.
You're going to be unhappy and miserable with this person....it's time to do yourself a favor and let him go.
You deserve so much more out of life.
2007-01-10 12:53:32 · answer #1 · answered by daljack -a girl 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
From what you have said here, hon, he won't cheat on you.... he is already in a relationship, it just isn't with you.....Porn is an addiction that ask any counselor, isn't even treatable, much less curable. ... these guys just aren't available for a relationship. And if he has depression issues, omg, been there with both of these, and you are in a hopeless situation.... I don't know how much time and energy you have invested, but I walked away from an 18 year marriage, and we had it all... the porn, the alcohol, the depression, the meds, and he had more excuses than kernels on a a cob of corn as to why he was doing what he was doing. Bottom line, addicts prefer "fantasy land" more than they prefer the real thing, and with depression, oh, good luck. Want more? write me. Advise, stay if you like what is there, or find a guy available.... he isn't, and he never will be, at least not for long. He might find another girlfriend after you, but he'll do the same to her..................
2007-01-10 21:06:54 · answer #2 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like all the classic symptoms of a porn addict. The denial, the emotional unattachment, choosing porn over a real person. The list goes on and on. Porn addiction is a devistating disease which takes a lot of work to recover from. It is on the same line as a drug addiction. There are groups for sex addicts and their partners also. You need to get into some serious counseling. He will also recover additional counseling besides what you share together. First and foremost for him to recover and lead a normal life he has to realize that he has an addiction and he has to want help. If he is not willing to get that help, my suggestion to you is run away as fast as you can from him and the relationship because you will have nothing but a life of pain, heartache and hate. There is a great yahoo group for partners of sex addicts. You can find alot of information and help there. Don't ruin years of your life with him if he will not seek treatment. Don't have children with him and don't get married to him if he will not seek treatment. Always remember and remind yourself that this is his illness, his disease and you are never the cause of it. He will make you belive you are, but be strong and hold your ground. You should immediately put fire walls and porn blockers on the computer so he can not access these sites. It is no different then pouring the alcohol down the drain when you live with an alcoholic. Good luck to you. This is a horrible lifestyle to live with.
2007-01-10 21:00:01 · answer #3 · answered by Sally B 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I would consider an addiction to be any relationship that a person forms with an object or activity (drinking, gambling, porn, whatever) that begins to interfere with that person's relationships with others. Sounds like you might be there with this situation.
A man who can't have sex in the morning is an odd thing as far as I'm concerned. Most men wake up with an erection and most men are interested most of the time -- especially young men.
Depression often goes with addiction. What can happen is that the addict gets hooked on the high he gets from the addictive activity and he continually seeks that feeling. Since life has ups and downs and nobody can be perpetually up, they end up feeling depressed. There's a bit more to it than that. But you would do well to learn about addiction.
I also gather from your message that he has dislikes based on race but he likes to look at pornographic images of the very race he claims not to like. It all sounds very unhealthy to me.
I understand why you would feel hurt. The spouses and partners of addicts often feel hurt. They blame themselves for the addiction of the other person. They try to control the addiction in the other and then everything just goes to hell.
Al-Anon is a good resource for learning about the addiction of alcoholism but when you get down to it, addiction is addiction. Doesn't matter what the object is. Some people just have addictive personalities. Go to the library or do a search on the net about addiction. Read up on it and you'll be able to answer for yourself if that's what you're dealing with.
You just have to realize that his choice to view porn has nothing to do with you. His choice to ruin his relationship with you is not your fault. Most normal guys would kill for a young woman who would wake us up in the morning wanting sex from us. You sound wonderful! So don't take all this stuff personally. It's not you.
Good luck to you.
2007-01-10 21:14:01 · answer #4 · answered by DearAbby 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He definitely has an addiction and isn't willing to come clean with you about it. Additionally, he has other issues. Talk to him and ask him if he would be willing to go to couple's counseling with you. Tell him it's not specifically about the porn because it isn't; you have a number of issues (communication, sex, trust, depression) that are affecting your relationship. If he decides to go, then go. It's no guarantee that anything will change because he has to admit to having a problem and want to change.
If he says no, then you should go alone; you'll learn valuable communication skills and maybe some insight as to why you continue to love someone who is indifferent to you and your relationship.
Only you know what your limits are. Sit down and make a list of the pros and cons of remaining in the relationship. Be rational, not emotional. If you decide to go, then go and not look back. If you decide to stay, think about how much more time you're willing to invest with him and what your future will be. Best of luck to you.
2007-01-10 21:14:31 · answer #5 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Biologically, men are supposed to be "spreading the seed". Instead of sleeping with numerous women, many men jack-off to porn as an alternative.
My boyfriend and I had some similar issues a few months ago. We were almost never having sex but I knew he was doing himself based on the lube and magazines under his bed. I was feeling alone and rejected. Finally I broke down into tears and asked him why he was no longer attracted to me. Turns out he was having a really rough time at his dead-end job and was never in the mood anymore. He was surprised to hear how I felt and more than made it up to me (wink wink nudge nudge). We talked for a really long time and he spilled about everything he was bottling up inside. In the end, our lack of sex life was a result of a lack of communication on both our parts. I'm so glad I spoke up (although I wish I would have done it sooner when I wasn't all teary-eyed) and we worked it out.
My point is, talk to him. Let him know how you're feeling but also make it clear that you care about him and want to make sure he's happy. Good luck.
2007-01-10 21:04:08 · answer #6 · answered by Eve 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years, I consider us to have a great sex life, though about a year ago i found stuff on my computer and had suspicions that something was going on so i downloaded a spy-program for my computer that recorded everything he was doing and he was haveing cyber sex over IM. He was always going online and looking at porn, even though we had sex regulerly. When i got all upset over it and talked to a friend about it this is what she told me and it made a little bit of sence, although didn't make me feel better, just able to understand it a little bit better: "maybe he needs something more, maybe he is afraid of telling you what he wants because he's scared you will react badly.Men have higher sex drives than women, and you can't be there to help him with it 24/7"
So, just to find out if there's any evidance of cheating, on your computer, look into a program that is made to moniter children, spouses, etc. onthe computer (but be careful because they may also come with spyware) when i found out about my boyfriend and i flipped out he knew i was hurt, and i was packing my bags, I gave him another chance (but left he program on my computer, told him i took it off just to make sure) and he hasn't done the cyber sex thng again. as far as just looking at porn or watching videos, maybe bring home a video and actually watch it with him? maybe if you watched them togehter (weither you like them or not) it will stop him from doing it behind your back. hope that helped some
2007-01-10 21:02:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Viewing porn is not the same as cheating with another person. Guys crave diversity, some cheat, some don't, but they all fantasize about different women. Usually the opposite of what they are dating. If someone is dating a skinny blonde, he might fantasize about a Puerto Rican girl with a round butt, and vice versa. Its normal. Tell him he doesn't have to hide his porn, ask him what turns him on, and see if you can dress up a little.
2007-01-10 20:56:19 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Watch his activity on the computer as other people recommended here. The combination of a porn addiction & depression is not healthy for YOU. Be aware that there are also swinger sites he may be a member of. Always trust your gutt. You deserve better than this.
2007-01-10 22:05:34 · answer #9 · answered by spuffgirl 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I knew someone like this, said it developed in their childhood, from neglect. They now are and probably always have been bi-polar, also hereditary. They now see a psychiatrist and are on meds. It is a never ending battle for these types of people. they either lose the addiction by getting help, or never admit that they have a problem and it continues.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
2007-01-10 21:19:20 · answer #10 · answered by oracle1 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Even if it's not an addiction, it sounds like you have some serious reservations about this relationship. If the two of you don't have any kids together, why are you hanging on to this man. If you are already worried about depression, cheating, hatred, and other issues that can be HUGE problems in a marriage, why would you even consider staying with him? If you want to have kids in the future, why would you chose a man like that to be the father of your children?
2007-01-10 20:59:35 · answer #11 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋