How do I let my husband go, since he has a girlfriend?

Question

My husband of 4.5 years has a girlfriend. I found out about her in late September. We have a 20 month old son. I know he is in love with his girlfriend, and we are getting ready to file for divorce, but everytime he comes through town(he is a truck driver long haul), he comes over, and we do all our family things, including sex. He's told me he isn't in love with me, that he wants to marry her(she will be his fourth wife) and yet he stilld oes this. PArt of it I think is to get back at her, because she is married and hasn't left her husband like he left me. How do I say no, so that I can move on? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but its so hard, as I love him so much, and miss my family, and am reminded of what I lost, and what I could have had, everytime he comes home. He also tells me that he loves me everytime we talk. He also uses me as his confidant when he is having problems with his girlfriend. He actually asks my advise on what he should do.

Answer 1

Perhaps a suggestion. Forget easy. Obviously, it isn't. Accept that if you decide to behave like a human, rather than a spineless door mat, it'll hurt. So, you need to decide if being a human, rather than a door mat, is worth pain. No woman should put up with the siliness you are dealing with. Tell trucker boy to sit on his gear shift, and let him go to hell on his own. As long as you continue to let hubby treat you as just another truck stop Rita, you'll lose more and more self respect, until eventually you won't be worth anything to anybody. So, because it's not just you, it's your son's life too, you just tell hubby to screw off, and build a new life.

Answer 2

STOP!!! Just stop. He will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you, and right now he's taking advantage. Did you ever hear the saying "Having your cake and eating it too"??? Yes, that's what he's doing. He knows you are going to let him back in the house and between your legs, so of course he's gonna take it. He doesn't want you anymore, regardless of what you might think. I'm sorry to make it sound so harsh, but he's got a girlfriend sweetie. If he still wanted you, then he wouldn't have a gf. You just need to stop letting him in. The pain will subside and you will soon learn that you are much stronger then you ever thought you were. I had to do the same thing and it hurt like hell. I cried, I screamed and I did everything in between. But I said NO to him in the end and once I got the hang of telling him no, each time got easier. I felt an empowerment that can't be explained. Now, we've filed for divorce and he's with his gf and I have a boyfriend. I'm so much stronger now then I ever was before. You cannot allow this man to treat you like you are second best in his life.

Answer 3

Step one: Try to fix the problem for the kids sake. Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. If he is unwilling to repair the damage he’s caused to the marriage, then girl, you need to make a move. Obtain a lawyer and legal separation. Do NOT let him stay at the house any longer. It only increases and prolongs the damage to you emotionally AND does not help him to realize the magnitude of his mistake.
Why keep tormenting yourself? This guy obviously has no value for a devoted, loving wife and family. Long haul trucking is not a valid excuse for him, to not want to make the marriage work. It does make it difficult for you to trust a cheating husband though.

Answer 4

hate to say it, but your hooked up with a real looser. Do you really love him, or are you in love with the idea of being married and working on the happily ever after. I sympathize with your position, but you have to, with every ounce of strength you can muster, issue him an ultimatum that he's either in the marriage or he's not, If yes, then extra marital Sex will no longer be tolerated.If no, then "hit the road Jack!!" And you get on with your life.
A person who has been married more than twice I think has problems with commitment. I wouldn't even go out with someone who is working towards Marriage number three, unless of course one of the previous marriages ended tragically.

Answer 5

It's not a stupid question. Many people struggle with this. But the answer is that you have to *make an effort* to get over him. It's natural that you miss everything you've lost; but you have to consciously fight this feeling, and try to replace it with a feeling of self-worth. You can make it. You have to believe in it. Reach out to your friends, don't end up socially isolated; you need a support network. Being that you have a child together, this man will be in your life one way or another, so you have to get desensitized to his presence and to whatever it is he might have to say. (My ex still sometimes tells me he "loves me", and we've been divorced for 6 years. He too was gonna marry his g/f, but then backed out, and it is I who have re-married since. I really don't care one way or another if he says that, his words are no longer a valid "currency" in my book.) Hang in there; things will get better.

Answer 6

I know everyone has their own opinion about this subject, but only you can make the decision. It has nothing to do with low self esteem, I was in the same boat a yr ago..mine came home(also worked on the road) and told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce. He had had a gf for over 3 months. I was devastated to say the least. We had two small children and I wanted to hate him so bad. I just couldnt. Its only up to you to decide how many second chances you can give honey. You are the only one who knows.

Answer 7

Looks liek there have been alot of replies here, but I wanted to post my thoughts as well. You have to take a step back and look at this situation from a "outside" perspective. I suspect you have been already doing this since you have asked the question here in the manner in which you did. You know this is wrong, and I think your "hanging on" to something your afraid to let go of right now. Generally speaking he's probably not going to be the one to stop this becasue as it stands he does have the best of both worlds. If you want this to stop, and you really want a change the best advice I can give you is to simply tell him you dont want to see or talk to him anymore... period. However, if this is not what your really willing to do, or ready to do yet then perhaps giving him the responsibility of making a decision will help you both in the long run. Tell him how you feel, tell him your not second best and you dont want to do this anymore. Tell him if he's not willing to stop seeing his girlfriend, and he's willing to hang in there for somebody who's obviously not as serious with him as he is with her (obvious becasue she still has a husband) then go ahead, and when he ends up with nobody he can think about the choices he made. In the mean time I dont know if your religious or involved with church but often a church will have somebody who can offer you more advice and positive feedback for getting your emotions in order and moving on with your life. Nobody deserves this, and it is going to be a difficult road ahead. However you need to either tell him to get out and stop comming around with no chance of working things out, or tell him your nolonger going to play the role you have and he's not going to have you both at his liesure. Whatever you decide, stick to it and you will get through this. Time heals all wounds, as difficult as it is to see or imagine at times, it's the truth. God Bless you & good luck.

Answer 8

The first, and perhaps the hardest, step would be to limit contact between yourself and your soon-to-be ex-husband. Limiting ALL contact would be completely unrealistic, especially seeing that you have a child together. Though it is important that your husband maintain a healthy relationship with your child, the intimate moments between the two of you must come to a halt. The moments that the two of you have recently shared have only reinforced his less than noble behavior towards you and your child, and have also created a false sense of hope within your own mind. It is obvious that he is not a very trustworthy and loving person and, with that said, is not worthy of sharing a loving home with you and your child.

Answer 9

I know that you have gotten a huge rsponse from every one here on Yahoo answers well I will only have this to say. I was there before. My hubby left me for an OLDER women(crazy huh) he left because she mothered him and I didn't. we have 3 kids together. I was severly depressed and pregnant at that time. It hurt and I thought that If I talked to him when he called, came by,and slept wiith him, it would changed things. In the end, when he leaves you are the one hurt, sad,alone and crying. I couldn't take that pain any more. It wasn't healthy for me, my daughter and my unborn child. Let me say this You Must get ANGRY! Not at him( God doesnt like it) but at the situation you are allowing..Its not that you don't love yourself thats Bullsh#$. You do, you just can't see pass your issue right now. think of your son and your future. His needs and what you need. You have to push forward. Not to find another man to take his place that the least of your problems. But to make better for yourself. Can u stay in the same house? what about rent,food, utilities, transportation. Was he you financial support? limit the phone calls to a need to know basis. He doesn't deserve your body anymore. Girl think of your health. when he leeps with her you sleep with her. when he kisses her you kiss her. when he goes down on her and comes back to you thats your mouth she is on. value yourself. do you have somewhere to go to get away from him. see when he see you are doing nothing he will always come around. don't go out like a sucker, and make sure you raise your son to value his wife and have the utmost respect for all women. I know I am teaching mine that! Good luck!
PS go and get Mary J Blige New Album and make it your THEME SONG! ( enough cryin)

Answer 10

he is just using u, and when he gets what he wants he is gone again. think we teach people how to treat us, don't allow him to dump on u discuss his problems with u, whenever it's convenient for him. u keep allowing him back in your life, show him u have more self respect for yourself, and distance yourself from him. don't wait on him to change his mind, don't have any expectations of it anymore, he has already said he is in love with her, and not u. it is better to be emotionally healthy without him, then allow him to come and go with no promise of reconciliation. get a divorce from him, and don't allow him to do this to u. don't invest anymore time or energy in him. and don't sleep with him. u think u have suffered a great loss, but not really. if he has had so many loves and marriages, than this should be a big red flag.