How to live peacefully with the step daughter who..?

Question

is disrespectful on occasion. When she acts up or snotty, or when I ask her to help around the house she ignores me, then when her dad gets in the picture he thinks I pick on her. I would love to teach her responsibility but, she already knows how to work her dad. Which can cause alot of problems between him & I. She often tells her dad I am mean. I guess because I expect more from her, she is 13 years old and quite capable of assisting. Oh, her dad made an excuse why she can't do dishes, she is allergic to dishsoap. Please give me some guidelines so I am not the evil step mother and she learns responsibility. Thank you.

Answer 1

Whether any of you like it or not you are now FAMILY. And you are now a stepPARENT(keyword PARENT!) she is a child and you are an adult, she needs to respect that to begin with. Her father and you need to sit down and decide on how to handle things in your house.The line has to be drawn CLEARLY and boundaries need to be set (on both sides to better understand her issues and help her adjust also) You will never replace her mother but she needs to understand that just because you want her to be respectful and well rounded doesn't mean you want to be her mother.

Answer 2

How long have you been living with her? If its a recent move (within the last 3 or 4 years) I'm sorry to say, but you're not really going to have that much say over her. You're NOT her mother, and never will be. Trying to tell her what to do will just impose upon her territory and make her dislike you more. You need to discuss this with her dad in private, away from her. Maybe even keep a journal of the things she does to disrespect you. Don't acuse her of being disrespectful and irresponsible- she's a teenager. You need to approach the situation with a "Look, I think she needs to learn responsiblity now that she's getting older. Maybe we should give her some chores to do." Maybe set up a reward system. Either good (she gets allowance) or bad(can't do something until chores are done).

Just remember, she's a teen. Being a teenager is hard (mentally, especially girls- they can be horrible towards each other). You need to give her respect to get it back. If she's old enough to learn responsiblity she's old enough to be treated older (not adult yet, but more freedoms). Work things out with her, and please try to go through her dad first.

Answer 3

Its not going to happen unless her father gets on board. If she can't do dishes, she can do other things. There is no reason she can't contribute around the house.

What you do have to understand is that maybe she feels a little threatened. Here comes this woman who is taking her daddy away. For me it was the opposite. When I was 12, I went to live with my dad and step mom and she was the *****. Basically because I didn't fit into her ideal family. She apologized years later, but for the way she treated me, we will NEVER be close. It put a lot of strain on my relationship with my father also. I'm 27 now, and we are just now starting to build our relationship back.

Try to understand what she may be going though. I had responsibility growing up. Dishes, vaccuming, I would cook dinner once a week, etc. So, there are things she can do. But, her dad has to support you on this.

Answer 4

it really is difficult. at cases you'll favor to settle for the very shown reality that your options and reviews are a lot less valued. Their mom's view will be more effective significant than yours, what your husband needs received't experience what you pick, yet you're anticipated to defer to his opinion. And even as the little ones grow old there'll maximum probably be some style of resentment that their father and mom are literally not jointly, and also you're a clarification why they could't and is basically no longer jointly lower back. at cases on your husband, his loyalties will be divided and he will have a tendency to lean in the direction of the little ones as they're his duty and his blood. you'll favor to offer up things you pick as a fashion to satisfy their needs. it truly is basically an all round diverse ingredient. and may the day come that you and your husband have little ones, then there is the recent kinfolk ingredient. That toddler is with you 2 each of the time, and the cut up in organic and organic history is obtrusive and not hassle-free. Your bonds will change, and also you may then see issues in yet differently besides. although, sure, you adore those little ones and experience bonded to them, it really is an total new ball pastime once the marriage takes position. also, the ex-spouse will continuously connect your spouse and youngsters, so be particular it really is a difficulty you are able to undergo and take care of. it isn't no longer achieveable to make issues artwork, in spite of the undeniable fact that it really is difficult, very puzzling, and also you may seek for counseling to help one yet another out. seem at it as a proactive step to help the kinfolk set up new expectancies and formulate techniques to cope with conflict and rigidity. I desire you success!

Answer 5

First, this is an issue between you and your husband. You need to have a real conversation with him about raising your daughter (yes, she IS your daughter now). You need to work out a plan for how to handle these things.

Second, girls start to pull this crap when they hit puberty. ALL girls do this. The more you let it slip, the worse it will be. You better get a grip on it now. She will be one witchy little thing before long.

Third, buy some of those long rubber gloves. No more allergy problem.

Answer 6

First of all you need your husband to be on the same page as you or you are going to exhaust yourself. And maybe even speak to the girls mother too (if she is in the picture!?)

In any household there needs to be clear rules & responsibilities & set consiquences for not following through... You & your husband should come to an agreement about what you will expect from her. A valid point you can offer to him is "what is HE teaching her about what a man/husband wants/expects a wife/woman/mother to be. Doing the dishes or laundry or just picking up after ones self is just common respect, & if he doesn't expect his daughter to respect you, then he doesn't respect you either. If he wont listen insist on counseling... It is your house to, & you are only trying to instill good habits in her because you lover her too. Remind him you don't have to be the physical parent to love like one...

My step-mom sounds a lot like you... I am 25 now. She, like you expected alot from me, and though at times I felt resentful, I, now am very greatfull to have had someone like her in my life. Good luck.

Answer 7

I see this between daughter and step mother all the time.
What you as the step parent needs to understand is that in her mind, you are invading her territory.
My best reccomendation to you is to accept that she is not interested in you being around. But at the same time help build a rapport with her by taking an interest in the things that she enjoys. It really is not your place to give her instructions on chores or anything. You are attempting to overstep your boundaries and that is a big "no no" in step daughter world.
If you have a genuine concern with something she is doing or not doing have a talk with her with her father present at the time. Never talk about her to her father when she is not there. You will create a power struggle.

Answer 8

Your not her mom, no offense but she probably doesn't like you. Just because you married her dad did any of you guys bother to ask her if she liked you. I know I don't like my step dad, I'm 15. She shouldn't be forced to like you and the more you try make her do things of course she is going to dis-like you more and more, so you should just leave her be for now.

Answer 9

i have this problem too. You should try bonding more and be her friend, first and foremost. Then after all that try starting out small and do things together. Make sure she doesn't feel like she is going to be the one doing things all the time. Most kids don't like their step-parents if that is all they're trying to do is be a parent.

Answer 10

seriously let her be.........if u want to teach her responsibility then give her an allowance for work that she does around the house. Or incourage her to get a babysitting job or something like that if she likes babysitting. Don't push her you dont want to be the evil one and the more u push her the more she WILL hate u..........