my husband been having affair over net and phone he stopped when found out , now caught him again?

Question

He started in chat rooms, then swapped email address with girl in scotland, i found out in aug, she didnt know he was married. He begged for forgiveness , we started again, unfortunatley she contacted him again in sept and i found out agiain New years day.
Its the lies and deceit that hurt the most. I have tried to ask questions as he says he loves me, but did it for escapism as we are up to our eyes in debt and hardly see each other due to clearing debts. I have asked questions he just gets nasty, he wont talk to me, and last night he told me he was Peed off with me crying all of the time, but the reason i am crying is because he wont talk about it and i am frustrated and hurt. We also have two 5 year olds caught up in this

Answer 1

once a cheater, always a cheater, and you guys have had a breakdown in communication, which makes it impossible to get better. Sounds like you've both grown to resent each other. Though it may be tough at the beginning, it'll be better for the child in the long run to separate/divorce if you continue to not communicate. It's better to raise a child in a happy home (2 homes!) than one miserable one.

Answer 2

Take a breath and stay calm.

It sounds as if it's the girl that is doing the chasing and from what you have said it has just been flirtation over the net - you didn't say if they had met up.

You are both under a lot of stress clearing your debts. Your husband probably looked for a bit of escape on the internet. I am not saying it was right, but he was seeking a bit of fun and it sounds like things are very stressful at home.

Although you feel like crying, try to stay optimistic. He doesn't seem to want to leave. He is just being a man and refusing to talk.

Calmly arrange for some counselling with RELATE and if he won't go with you, go on your own. It will help you talk through your frustrations and decide if you can put this incident in the past. If you can't, you must consider leaving.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I can understand the situation your in. Only in my case, it wasn't my husband that turned to a cyber affair. It was me.
Financial strain can put a lot of stress on a marriage. We were
(and still are) struggling to make ends meet and keep a roof over our heads. We didn't spend a lot of time together because of
my husband's work schedule. We rarely talked except about bills, the kids, or normal every day things like what was for dinner.
Young children can often change the dynamics of a marriage and add additional stress. We have 2 children. A 1 year old and a 2 year old (who is almost 3).
Why did I turn to a cyber affair ? I think for the same reasons men do. I needed an escape. I needed to feel wanted, appreciated,
and heard. I needed to feel like a real person that mattered, again.
I needed to feel like more than just a slave that just brought home a paycheck and took care of the kids.
I needed the thrill, the magic, and the sparkle back in my life.
Marriage feels like a prison, when you stop being you, a lover and a friend. And instead, get treated like the bills are the most important thing in the world and how you feel and what you want don't matter.
My husband found out about my cyber affairs (yes there were more than one.) He asked questions too. (Well, by his tone, it resembled more of an inquistion, demanding answers.)
A demanding tone won't work. You won't get answers that way.
Crying won't work either. That will just annoy him.
Yes. You are frustrated and hurt. You have a right to be. What you don't realise is that your husband is even more frustrated
and hurt than you are. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have needed
the escape in the first place.
You can work through this and, believe it or not, have a better
marriage than what you had to start with. But, it's going to take a lot of time and effort. Both of you are going to have to change a
lot to make it work.
Communication is the key. Opening up the lines of communication between you both is the first step. This will be very hard to do because it sounds to me like your husband is very alienated from you, right now. Just as I was from my husband.
What I wanted most from my husband was for him to stop
crying and complaining about how hurt and frustrated he was
over it and for him to accept responsibility for his actions in driving me to the affair, in the first place, and apologise to me
for not being the husband I married
Once I got that sincere apology, I was more than willing to talk and work things out.
Some things that have helped us, 1. We take time for us, as a couple. We take 2 nights a month. Hire a sitter and go out.
Dinner, dancing, whatever. No movies, though. (It's hard to talk during them.)
It's expensive, yes. Can we afford it ? No. not really. A bill slides here and there. Yes, our credit suffers a bit, but our marriage is more important than debt. (In fact, we filed bankruptcy to get a new start. You might want to consult a bankruptcy attorney. It's not that bad. Most debts are dischargeable. In most cases, you don't lose anything. We can keep our house, car, and stuff. The majority of states have very generous amounts of exempt property you are allowed to keep. The fees aren't very much.
You can pay them in installments. As far as getting credit afterwards, it's not a big deal. Most companies will give you credit after the discharge cause you don't owe anyone anything.
My cousins have filed Chapter 7 three times, now. (You can file once every 10 years.) They have credit cards, a car loan, a mortgage, etc. Look into it.)
2. We also spend time working on romance. The little things
that mean a lot.
Good luck. I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Your trust has been broken and it Will take time to rebuild it. Your husband seems to think that a relationship isn't a two way thing. You both have to want to make it work for it to be successful and he doesn't seem willing. Looking for kicks with someone else shows his total disregard for your feelings and that isn't someone who is respecting you. Email him, if it's the only way he will listen. Ask him if he wants to find a way forward or give up on your marriage? If he wants to make it work, he must quit with the deceit and reassure you. He will also have to understand that this is a long process. The debts need to be sorted in a better way. Contact the CCCS (on web) and seek free advice. I have used these and it's the best move I ever made.Enter a voluntary payment so that the pressure is off and the debtors don't harass you. Mostly, don't yell and shout in front of the children. Remember that you are entitled to trust your partner, it will mess your mind up if only YOU are willing to salvage your relationship. Don't lay the blame, just work at going forward.I wish you luck.

Answer 5

He is being a selfish jerk. You did not have an affair, however he did. The fact that he is getting mad at you and telling you he's "peed off" only supports the reality that he is not willing to be take responsibility for what he has done. Since he was caught talking to this women again, chances are, behind your back, it will continue. Doing something as an escape is not a valid excuse for cheating. There are no valid excuses. I would give him an ultimatum. Either you both sit down and try to work it out, or you get a divorce. Otherwise, you will continue to cry, he will continue to make you feel bad for this and your children will be caught in the crossfire. Although you want to think things out before you do anything rash, and this is only my opinion on what to do in this situation, unless he is willing to work out the problems with you, then I don't see a good future for either of you in this relationship. It has to be two people working together, not one, for this to work.

Answer 6

It really is not uncommon these days to find that people are using the net to find others to connect with. I think many people don't consider it cheating because you don't actually have physical contact with the other person so they rationalize that it's acceptable.

The bad thing is that the unfaithful person is giving attention and a form of affection to the other person on the computer. There is a connection that can be formed even though it's through the web.

You guys need to see a therapist to discuss his betrayal and your lack of ability to trust him. You also need to find time for one another so that you two can get that connection back that brought you together in the first place.

It makes sense that you are hurt because he has formed an emotional bond to someone else and has not forsaken all others...

Try to focus on the kids and on getting help for your marriage. You two need intervention though because things won't work themselves out until something in the marriage changes...

Answer 7

This is a tough situationand as hard as it may seem you need to make some firm decisions for yourself and your kids.

Can you deal with him being unfaithful online? Will it remain online? How far is he prepared to go to escape?

I found out last november, my bf was 'talking to one of his friend's wife. He said it was because he couldn't talk to me, blah, blah, blah. I forgave him at the time because I really thought it was my fault. I forbade contact betwwen them, etc and tried to listen, be there more, etc.

All I have is work, home and a 4mth old baby. No friends, no escape , nothing.

Two days before New Years I got a text on his phone saying Hi honey, u were trying to call, etc. Naturally I was p issed. We are still together but I am keeping my eyes pealed for unfaithfulness. The minute he slips in the slightest again, I am gone and I am taking baby, money, etc. Let whoever he wants start over with him.

I know that even though you are hurting, you will be thinking about what's best for your kids. Online is probably safer, but it all depends on what you can live with.

Answer 8

I will give you the same advice that I would give to anyone!

Tell him that if he loves you, as he says he does, he must talk to you and talk with professionals! There are family advice centres in every town that will listen and advise without prejudging either of you!

Ring your local council and they can advise you of the locations and numbers to contact!

The fact that he is mailing some girl in Scotland is irrelevant - she is not the problem - he is being truthful in one point - it is escapism - something to distract from the problems he has!

There are also many other help lines open to you regarding debt problems! Use them - that is what they are for and many of them don't charge or charge only a minimal fee!

If he won't or can't bring himself to do that for you then I am tending to agree with some of the other comments here - it may be time to move on!

BUT, also consider this - you are asking the question on here and I suspect that you have not told him! Not exactly the same but??

Answer 9

Your husband is a person with low impulse control. He is an escapist. He married you and it isn't your fault that he is emailing another woman.
He isn't a grown-up, either. When one situation is going good, he throws the "baby out with the bath water" and moves on to greener pastures still with the security of your home and YOUR support. That is the behaviour of a child. A grown up faces their responsibilities and deals with them until they are sorted out. A few questions you could ask yourself: 1. Are you his mother? He isn't a child who is doing something naughty. He is cheating on you with another woman. This male behaviour is more common than a lot of women would like to admit to themselves. The concept of marrying a woman then behaving "naughty" by sleeping with another woman or starting a relationship by any means then expecting to be "forgiven" and the subject "dropped". Life doesn't work like that unless you live in a vacuum - which you do not. The parties involved forget that the man isn't a child and it isn't naughty behaviour, it is the dishonourable and deceptive behaviour of a grown man. It is the mark of an individual with little self-respect, therefore, they cannot extend respect to the people in their lives.
Now then, if you are on a public answers site asking what you should do or what we think, then YOU already know the answer.
Has your relationship ever been a "bowl full of cherries" or has it been steeped in self-created - not yours, his - dramas with no communication?
Be honest with yourself. I think your mind and your life is trying to show you that your relationship isn't meeting your needs and making you happy. You can't live your life by arguing all the time. Who can?
If he is peed off with you crying, then ask him why it bothers him. Is it because he feels helpless and can't do anything to help you? Remember that men have feelings but are taught, for the most part, in Western society not to exhibit their caring natures.
You are going to need to change what you've been doing up to this point because it hasn't gotten you where you need to be.
To the fella who, apparently in earnest, suggested that the situation is a "tempest in a teacup" - not true. Suggesting that he watches porn isn't good advice either. The man has a problem with not facing responsibilities and his family. He doesn't need to be encouraged to escape any further into a fantasy world. You can't trade one wrong behaviour for another. The effect will still be HIS lack of communication with HIS wife. His wife doesn't have the problem, he does. Also, if this woman wants to contact these women, that is ok. The woman in question knows he is married and still contacts him.
Good luck.

Answer 10

You poor luv , I really feel for you xx There has to be an underlying problem . I think you need to have a very serious talk . Is he having an affair ? or had affairs in the past ? is everything allright in the "bedroom" ? > You will need to remind him of his responsabilities towards his two five year olds as it might affect them too .
If he is sincere , ask for him for her telephone number so that you might ring her . You have also mentioned debts . Could this be the cause of it ? .If thats the case , please get some debt advice from your local CAB and please , do not leave it too long . I wish you all the best xx
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Answer 11

He needs to understand that you need answers and reassurance. He hasn't actually been physically unfaithful but I can imagine this is not really the issue here. It is the deceit that is most bothering you. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? You have to sit him down and talk to him calmly without crying. Tell him how you feel and let him know how terribly hurt you are. If he can't see that what he has done is wrong then he has a problem.