Should I reconsider my relationship because my parents hate the man I'm with and say I am causing them pain?

Question

I was in love with this man when I was 14 and he 26,but ofcourse nothing happened.He was always nice to me and protected me,warned me about boys and offered advice.We lost touch but 10 years later bumped into each other and sparks flew.We are together almost a year now and the relationship is great.The problem is my parents HATE him.They saw him grow up and knew of him around our neighborhood when he was up to no good and refuse to give him a chance as if people don't grow up, mature,and change.He no longer drinks,or does drugs,he's a homebody,and he treats me like gold.When we are alone it's as if we are the only two people in the world.But I feel such guilt and sadness about hurting my family and shaming them.I cry all the time and pick fights with him,as if subconciously wanting him to leave me so it's not me ending the relationship.He's scared my parents are going to convince me he's "garbage" as my mother calls him.I don't know what to do, sacrifice my family, or my happiness?

Another thing:before we got together he had stopped the bad behavior but still hadn't settled down to be responsible with work and money.My parents also have a problem with him not being educated,while I am a college graduate.But since we got together he went to school to get his Commercial Drivers License and get a good steady job and start saving up because he wants to form a family with me and start working towards a future.He says he never before desired anything like that,but with me he wants to be the best man he can be and I see him trying so hard to make up for his past and become worthy of me.Things like that make me wonder,how can I give up the love of my life?But at the same time worry that because he's started so late in life to save for the future,I'm going to end up having money problems being with him and my parents are going to throw that in my face.

Answer 1

If you marry this person, he becomes your family.

If your parents don't accept it, you need to distance yourself from them emotionally. If they love you, they will work to rebuild the relationship that THEY are hurting.

You decide what is more important. Pleasing your family or living a good life.

Answer 2

It depends on the reasons your parents dislike him. If it's because of his past, or because of his age, that's something they just may have to get over. Have they been like this with every guy you've dated, or just this guy? They may have other concerns, too - no matter what, you are their baby, and they are trying to protect you - I think every parent secretly thinks that no one will ever be quite "good enough" for their baby.

I always find it interesting that some parents take the stance that their child chooses between their "chosen partner" and the parents - it's a choice they are very often the loser of!! Give your relationship more time to grow with your boyfriend - at least another year or two to see how things go between the two of you - you may start to notice some of the things your parents see - or you may truly realize you've found the man of your life.

It's time to have a brutally honest conversation with your parents. Let them know that their attempts to "separate" the two of you will only drive a wedge between you and your parents, and bring you and your boyfriend closer together. If it comes down to a choice, you may end up choosing your boyfriend over them - and ask them to not put you in that position. Tell them you expect them to treat him politely and courteously - and not to badmouth him, or you will not be coming around them. Ask them if they can find it in themselves to be loving and supportive of YOU, even if they don't agree with your choices.

This can't be easy, and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Good luck with it all.

Answer 3

The other posters are correct. It looks like your parents are judging your guy because of his past. That's a shame. I know one guy that in his past, he was a gang member. Into all kinds of unsavory things. Today, he is a minister that has a passion for helping others and knows what it's like to be from the "wrong side of the tracks". Should we judge him harshly now for what he did back then?

The bottom line is this: your parents made their own decisions for who they wanted to marry. You have make your own decisions as to what's best for you regardless of what your parents thinks. If he treats you well and is a good man, then that's what matters. You can not base your life and happiness and what your parents beliefs are. Only you can do that. If you love him and he loves you and both of you are happy - then that's what matters. If you to end up getting married and he takes care of you and your children, then to heck with what anyone says.

Answer 4

The ONLY thing that matters in YOUR relationship is how you feel and how you are treated - not what anybody else thinks about it. It sounds like your parents are trying to protect you from the only side of him they have seen. Yes, people change. The happier they see you are with him, the more they will accept it. Don't try to hide this relationship from them.

Answer 5

ohhh well that is some challenge you have there if your mom is like most, and im saying that cuz i have one like that, you will not convince her that he is not like that anymore but hey give it a try talk to your mom and let her know how this guy really makes you happy and that you want to give him a chance but hurting them is stoping you from opening up to him completely hopefully she understands if not draw lines between the relationship you have w/ your b/f and the one w/ parents try not to loose either one since you love both but let them know how this is making you feel again hopefully your b/f or parents will understand

Answer 6

YOU are the one who matters in this relationship, not your parents. ask them please stay out of your relationship and let you make your own mistakes