Is it okay for my daughters to call their new step mom mommy?

Question

My ex husband lives 2000 miles away, and my daughters only are with him every other xmas and during the summers, and he started dating this new woman about 2 years ago, and now they are living together, and about to get married. When I talked to my 8 year old daughter during xmas break while she was up there with him, she told me she is going to start calling her mommy, and teresa ( his girlfriend )said it is okay with her if it;s okay with me!! I was so upset........not at my daughter, I talked to my ex husband and told him how bothered I was that they were kind of encouraging it. He told me later that week, that he talked to my girls and they all decided to call her mommy after they were married, which will be this summer. This is a woman that really my girls hardly know, and only see a couple of times a year, and I just dont feel that it is right, but I don't know what is the right thing to do without hurting my daughters!! Please I would love to hear some opinions on this! Thanks

Answer 1

I would be very uncomfortable with my children calling another woman 'mommy'. I have a new husband and their father is living with his fiance', and neither one of us ask, demand, or pressure in any way to call the new 'parent' in our children's lives mommy or daddy. There is only one mother and father at one time, and this may be a bit confusing to a young child. I think the situation may be different if one of the parents were deceased or just totally out of the picture. If the child is young, then that invites confusion, with an older child, let that be the choice of the child (if the biological parents agree). She should be known to them by her first name, not mom or mommy, period. I know you don't want to hurt your daughters, but the relationship that they will share with her, no matter how close it may become, is not, nor ever will be the same relationship that you share with them.

Answer 2

Its something that is not right but you have to remain calm while you are talking with your eight year old daughter while she is out there. To a eight year old it is normal for her to do that because she doesn't understand the difference with the roles. I would talk to her about the roles of real mommy and step mommy. My thirteen year old has trouble calling her mother's new boyfriend or refer to him as Mom's boyfriend as she tells me that it is just weird. Kids will adapt to their environment I wouldn't worry that you are being replace because you are her mother no matter what. But I would be thankful that your child is comfortable with all the people in her life.

Now if your ex and new wife are demanding her to call the new wife mommy that is a whole difference story and the discussion should be with your ex not with the child. But do it with the "if you found someone would you like if your daughter started calling him Daddy? I'm sure that he would not and will feel the same discomfort as you do. Good luck

Answer 3

Given that your girls barley know this person, I would say there has been some encouragement from the ex. But the answer to your question is, there is nothing wrong with your daughters calling her mom once they get to know her and see her as mom when they are ready to. Face facts, she will be filling that position when you are not there! at the same time I don't think it is right to force or encourage the new title, IT HAS TO BE EARNED!!! My stepdaughter still calls me Lonnie most of the time, but does let dad slip every now and then. Its what she feels comfortable with since her real father rarely sees her and only lives 38 miles away. She is 14 now and has been with me since she was 5 and we have had this conversation several times. I have always made it clear that I will be her dad weather she calls me it or not! When she is ready if ever. I suggest talking to your kids when the return, and making it clear that if they want to call her mom when they are ready, that it will not hurt your feelings as long as they want it and she is doing the job correctly. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

I think that you have a right to tell your daughters and your ex-husband that your feelings will be hurt if they call his new wife mommy-Your husband checked with the daughters but not with you--If he had joint custody or something then it would be different because she would really be fulfilling that role with them--as it is she is only going to be around for fun times--duirng holidays and vacations--so her mommy role will be all good adn friendly--that is not the same as your full-time mommy role--You are a bit threatened by it and understandably so--Yes--you could be a hugely big person and say okay--but you are being honest here--not a saint--it is not a crime for you to admit that it hurts your felings--you can talk to your daughters and tell them so-and maybe they will call her by her first name or something else--That said--at least she is a nice enough person that they want to call her mommy--But again--Mom is mom--and I see why you want to protect the importance of that word and relationship--You are their mom and she will just be playing the fun role...

Talk to your daughters--it's okay for you to have feelings and an opinion about this--

Answer 5

This is absolutely tasteless. You are the girls' mother and no one should take your place as "Mommy". They can call this woman by another name, surely. Why would she want to be called by this name anyway? It's terrible, and even worse that your husband supports such ignorance. I would let my girls know that it is not alright to call this woman Mommy, and discourage the behavior, even if your ex is too stupid to do so. Stand your ground on this one. If you can come up with an appropriate name for Teresa (one that the girls can use), tell the girls they may call her by that name. It is a simple matter of respect, which everyone should understand.

I've read a couple of posts that advise you to let the girls decide. How dumb is that? These are children, and children require adult guidance. What intelligent adult would not teach a child that Mommy is special and that only she should be addressed as such? No wonder our children are so confused. We keep changing the rules to fit our own purposes. The new wife may be gone tomorrow. As their loving mother, you will be with these girls forever.

Answer 6

Frankly your children will call her what they like. Your daughter is showing affection for this new person, and you feel it is stepping on your territory. The fact of the matter is she will have 2 moms, and if you re-marry then she will have 2 dads. It's how it works when people get divorced and re-marry.

If your daughter WANTS to call her mom, then let her. It really doesn't change your posistion as her mother. Your mom #1 and Teresa is Mom #2.

Some children call the step parents mom or dad and other choose to call them by thier first names. When the children are young they normally choose mom and dad as titles. It puts the elder is a position of authority and children need that to feel secure with their life.

Answer 7

First off let me say that I am both a mom and a step mom. It is very confusing for children to have two separate families. I married my husband when his daughter was nine; she wanted to call me mommy. It up set her birth mom very bad, and rightfully so! I suggested that she call me Nana, or some other "term of endearment". Our situation was different because she lived with us and I did raise her has my child. She ended up calling me by my name (because her birth mom pitched such a fit). And that is OK, she is now 22 and we are very close.

The dad and step mom should encourage a nickname for her that the children will like. You are their mom, and no one will change that. My suggestion is to talk to the children and explain to them that you are the mommy and you don't want to share that with anyone else, because it is very special to you. Let them know that you don't have hard feeling towards the step mom, and maybe you can help them find a name to call her . . . be careful, don't be ugly.

Your children will respect you for this, and you will be the bigger person it you handle this with love and respect. Best of Luck!

Answer 8

Went through the same thing with my daughter when her father got married. She wanted to call her step mom, "Mommy". After I got over the shock of it all, I realized that there is not another woman on this planet that can take my place in my daughters heart and life. I am special to her and always will be. She was devastated when that marriage fell apart and she couldn't call Susan mommy anymore.

I think that if it was your daughters idea that she call Teresa "mommy" you should try to be okay with it. I tried to keep in mind that a second "mom" is a good thing, and that my daughter was lucky enough to have another "mom" in her life.

Have you asked your ex how he would feel if the tables were turned? My ex threw a fit when my daughter wanted to call my boyfriend "Dad". But it's like I explained to my daughter, I told her she is lucky to have a second dad, one who treats her like she is one of his own kids and loves her just as much. (my boyfriends ex was afraid I would try to take her place in their lives, something I would never dream of doing, ever!)

I'm sure there are people out there who will disagree with me on this matter, but in today's society we must deal with blended families and the luggage that comes with them.

Answer 9

No, it's not alright, it's RIDICULOUS, and for your ex and his new wife to be supporting this is ridiculous. You are their mommy, they already have a mommy. If you remarried, they wouldn't have two daddies, they would have a dad and a stepdad. Don't you think it would get confusing if every child had the same name, if you starting calling both kids, Samantha, how weird would that be? Ask that they come up with a special name for her, that's her name only. She's special in her own way and deserves her own title/nick name. The only thing they are accomplishing is confusing the kids, what do they think they are going to accomplish, they can't pretend she's the mom, becauses she's not, and they can't erase the fact that you exist either. They must be living in la la land.

Answer 10

It is really okay if they call her mommy, you don't need to worry about that because she could never take your place as mom. Your kids know that you are mom and it doesn't matter what they call her. Mom is just a word. The bond that you have with your kids tells who is who. There are feeling you have for your kids that she can never feel. There are words that you say to your kids that she will never think to tell them. There is love in your heart for your kids that she will never feel. Only a mother knows, feesl, loves, and shares the most important parts of their kids lives. Really this will be okay and you will soon find peace with it. Remember no one could ever take your place, no matter how hard they try. This tells me you are a very special mom. Keep looking out for you and your kids. Love them in the special way that you do and you will see the special love they have for you and how it never changes.