disapointed with 20 week scan?

Question

Ive just come back from having my scan, and feel so disapointed. The baby is very healthy (which I know is the most important thing) but they couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl, and the pics they printed were rubbish. I am desperately upset as I really wanted to know the sex to help with the bonding, which is not going well at the mo. I feel detached with what is going on inside me and I feel like a failure because of that. almost like im letting the baby down.
My partner doesn'treally understand and thinks I now don't want the baby (which is not true) and Im worried about feeling disapointed when its born and rejecting it. This is my first and Im so confused

Kitkat- -knowing the sex would help me bond in that i can stop calling it an 'it' and sart calling it a he or she. i don't need a bloody therapist, just a friendly ear. Thanks for all your understanding help (not)

I cannot believe some of the nasty replies i have recieved. Some of us are not lucky enough to have perfect pregnancies like most of u obviously have, sorry to have bothered u all. Im feeling a bit down and just wanted a bit of reasurrance that everything will be fine. i hope none of u suffer from depression in your pregnancies

thatnk u to those who have been understanding

I would just like to say thank you to the people were kind enough to be understanding. I don't care a stuff about colours, clothes shopping etc, but have been suffering depression throughout this pregnancy. Today felt like the last chance to find bonding with my baby. After reading most of the kind replies, I realise it isn't. So thank u again xx

Answer 1

Firstly you need to realise that you are in no way a failure. The mere fact that you have asked for this advice shows you already have a strong emotional connection with your unborn baby. I say this because in order for you to be so distressed and concerned, you must first have felt love and excitement for your baby.
Hormones are gods way of punishing us, and unfortunately you have enough in your body at present, to supply a small country! Everything with shake you emotionally and seem bigger and more frightening that it really is.
When the midwife hands you your baby, you will realise at that moment it was all worth it. It's only then do you remember to actually ask if it's a boy or a girl, and by then you love them completely anyway x x

Answer 2

Well, I'm not sure what to say. Are you feeling you're not bonding with the baby due to any fears of being a bad mother? IS it your 1st? Not to worry, I know it's easier said than done, but you will bond....especially when it starts moving inside of you a lot. You are still early on....ok, half way, but you have a lot of exciting times ahead in the pregnancy where you will bond, regardless if you know the sex or not. Do you have names picked out? Pass the time by picking out names for both boy and girl. I think that all the expectations you might have had of finding out the baby's sex is what has let you down. Think of it this way, if the baby just wasn't in the right position to see the "area", then he/she doesn't want you to know as of now. If you have another ultrasound, and you can see then it's meant to be, if not, then that's the way it's supposed to be. You can't control what position the baby is in. So take a deep breath and relax. Don't have expectations....especially high ones on how your pregnancy will go, because you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. Just enjoy this pregnancy. You are blessed. You are experiencing something many are unable to. I have a friend who cannot get pregnant because of an accident she was in when she and I were in Jr. High School. Due to that, she's unable to have kids at all. Her lower abdomen was severely damaged and she only has 1/2 a uterus and her ovaries were severely damaged. She's now married and 29 and is dying to be able to have a child and has to adopt and has been trying to do so for almost 5 years and has not been having much luck. I felt so guilty everytime I had to tell her I was pregnant and have 3 healthy children. So please, enjoy the gift you have, regardless you know the sex or not.

Answer 3

Listen - I haven't read any of the replies yet, but let me tell you something. No matter how much you planned for that child and no matter how much you really want to have that child, pregnancy can play mind games with you from start to finish. I have been fortunate not to have any form of depression, but I can tell you that I can relate to you in that I know you do go through different emotions - 40 weeks is a long time to wait for a baby. I managed to find out the sex of the baby at 20 weeks. I also wanted to start calling the baby he or she as opposed to 'it'. I also wanted to visualise in my head what the baby would look like, so I totally understand your frustration. Furthermore, if the pictures are not exactly the quality you have imagined them to be, I suppose you could feel distant. If money is not an object, maybe you should arrange one of those 3/4D scans where you can see the baby properly. If you can't, please try to look at the positives - it will be a nice surprise not knowing. Besides - it is either a boy, or a girl. Just call the little one 'my little pumpkin' or something cute like that instead. Also, you have a healthy baby and that in itself is the best news you can receive as a mother. Please do not allow todays experience to influence the way you are with the little one. Motherhood is wonderful. If it makes you feel any better, I will choose not to find out the sex of the next baby, if I am fortunate enough to have another one. I will assume it is another boy - if it is I will congratulate myself for guessing right, if not, then it will be a surprise and a half. Please, please, go get some baby shopping done, in nice neutral, cream colours, look through brochures, start choosing some potential cots, car seats, prams, get yourself really excited about the baby, it is a great time, a confusing one too, I understand. Even I had some odd moments when I was pregnant, so many changes happen - you just have to look forward to this miracle of life. Take care x

Answer 4

I understand what you are saying and meaning. I'm in my 4th pregnancy 27th week and the "stubborn cuss" I'm joking with its current nickname just would not reveal which it was. I don't know how your doctor/practitioner is but I will get a second sonogram closer to the birthing and if it doesn't show yet then there is "Congratulations its a ........."at the birthdate. I know it's tough but hang in there, You are by no means a failure and it will happen(the bonding) until then you could always ask for a second one or request that test to check the gender. In the meanwhile try instead of saying it give the baby a both gender name like Sam that way you can still call the baby by a name even you don't know the gender. Other than that be patient and good luck.

Answer 5

First of all, congratulations on the new baby!

Secondly, not having children of my own, i can only guess at how you are feeling. Just think of the fact that it is your child, and maybe it wanted to be secretive to bring you an extra-special surprise on the big day!

You are not letting the baby down- from what you have described you sound caring, loving and supportive and if you keep that up then you will have done your very best.

If you are very upset about it, talk to your doctor and possibly ask if you can get some more pictures done. If that doesn't get anywhere, there are now specialist centres that offer either 3D scanners or ones that 'see as we see'. These are dotted around the globe, and you may have to pay a small fee but at the end of the day if it brings you closer to your baby that that is all that counts.

Good luck! I am rooting for you!!

<<>>

PS: Everything will be absolutley fine so try not to worry, as I said before baby's just trying to surprise you! :o)

Answer 6

It wasn't your last chance to bond with your baby - you still have masses of time for that. I found my 20 week scan disappointing as well because it only lasted about 10 minutes and the photos were rubbish.
I did have a private scan at 12 weeks that was completely different experience - 3D, DVD to take home, masses of pics and was there for 45 mins.
If you can possibly afford it, go for a private scan where they will make sure that you find out the sex and the 3D means you can see your baby really clearly. At the hospital I went to it was about £140 for a 22 week scan. If it's really important to you, then it would be worth the money and would make you feel a whole lot better I think.

Answer 7

When I went for my utlrasound at 17 weeks, they couldn't tell the sex of the baby either. I was extremely dispointed!! I know that the most important thing is that the baby is healthy, blah blah...but I didn't want to hear it! I wanted to hear "It's a girl!" or "It's a boy!" I wanted to know the sex THAT DAY! Just like you, I hate calling the baby "it." I totally understand what you're feeling. I also know what it's like to feel like a failure and like a bad mom because of the feelings you're having. I'm at 20 weeks now and I'm just starting to get the slightest connection to the baby because now I can feel it moving...It's very hard to feel a connection when you're not very visibly pregnant, you can't feel the baby moving, you don't know the sex...etc...You're not alone with these feelings. I feel detached and confused to. I am also suffering from depression (which I had pre-pregnancy and still have during pregnancy). If you think this may be the case with you, talk to your Doctor about it. That's the best thing to do. There's nothing to be ashamed of for asking for help. Pregnancy is hard physically AND mentally!

Try giving the baby a special nickname....my husband and I call our baby "little G"
Try peanut, melon, or any other special nick-name, until you know the sex of the baby.

Best of luck! And just remember that having doubts does NOT make you a bad person or a bad parent!

Answer 8

Seems like some people do not understand the relation between the sex of the baby and bonding, don't let it bother you. It's just that, they don't understand.

My wife's pregnancy wasn't and is not perfect, far from it. We had almost any problem in the book throughout the pregnancy and labor, you name it, we had it. With our first child we knew the sex pretty early in the pregnancy, with the current one it took more time. You shouldn't feel like you failed because of that. It's not in your hands and you will know the sex when the time is right.

When we were pregnant with our first child we named it junior and it turned out to be a boy. This time around we named it chicka and found out (late than most people and much later than 20 weeks) that it's a girl.

Don't be discouraged, wait for the next scan and do what you can to enjoy the pregnancy as it comes.

Answer 9

Hmm...people are being complete a**holes today. I understand perfectly what you mean. I think it's natural to have these feelings in your first pregnancy, and not all women are blissfully happy when pregnant, nor do they automatically bond with the baby inside them. Some women don't even bond immediately after birth, and that is considered relatively normal. It certainly doesn't make you a bad parent or a bad person. I was able to find out the sex at 20 weeks, and it helped me bond temendously with my daughter. My husband and I had already picked out names and so we were able to call her by her name as soon as we found out. It made us feel more like she was already a part of our family. I would do as someone else suggested and look into a 3D ultrasound, if you can afford it. If not, you can try the trick that my husband and I used before my ultrasound- pick a gender neutral nickname that you can use to refer to the baby (who knows, the nickname may even persist after birth!). Don't worry, you won't reject your baby- it's just harder for some women to bond (especially if they experience postpartum depression) and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Edit- More people have posted while I was writing my response...glad that you are getting some more understanding answers.

Answer 10

I hear ya. My first few scans weren't great either for pics. But it is ok-you will do fine. I felt a little detached too until further along. And knowing the sex didn't change that-begining to feel like the baby was a person vs a thing helped. That happened when he got bigger-aroun 6-7 months. I wouldn't go back for a scan just for that reason. Scans are safe in moderation, but you don't need to over do. I had a high risk preg and was in for lots of scans and ws told that despite them being a common practice, there were still risk. And I would avoid the 3-D ones all together. No need to rush-you will have tons of pics soon enough:)