How can my wife and I "start over" sexually?

Question

I have a serious question, so try to read everything before responding.

My wife and I started dating in college. She was a virgin and I'd slept with one other woman. Feeling shy and inadequate, I lied to her about my sexual history in an effort to help her trust me sexually.

Of course, the truth eventually came out. About 5 years later, she says she doesn't hold my lies against me, but it has changed our sex life somehow. I'm back to being not all that confident in things and she wants me to be more aggressive and initiate more often.

After talking about it last night, we decided that we got off on the wrong foot sexually speaking and that we need to "start over" somehow. I thought this was a good idea, but how can we build a new sex life from the ground up? Is this an impossible dream, or has someone had a similar experience?

See the details below for a more complete telling of our sexual history. Thanks in advance for thoughtful answers

More details:

I'd describe our sex life as rocky and inconsistent, but occasionally good enough to be encouraging! We have sex about once a week, but often less than that.

I used to initiate sex all the time, but after getting shot down a few times when our sex drives became less equal, I got my feelings hurt and left the initiations to her.

As a result of doing this for so long, I almost never initiate sex and I'm trying to learn how again. We don't really have a boring sex life, but it's just hard to get things rolling.

When things are working right, we have great sex that's spontaneous and can get pretty wild. We've tried toys, taking pictures, outdoor sex, semi-public sex, watching dirty movies, dirty talk, and all the other things that couples usually do to try something different.

Let me know if there's any more questions.

Good suggestions, but a few things are misunderstood.

My wife's heart isn't "broken" and the trust isn't gone. Finding out about the lies changed things in a more subtle way.

Also, the suggestions about counseling are welcome, but we probably don't have the money or time for that, and there's also not an abundance of counselors where we live.

Answer 1

It certainly is possible to begin anew if both partners are willing to do so. You might even want to go out for a nice meal and she can wear something sexy under her clothing and your imagination can run wild as you tease each other over a nice meal and a date (like when you first started seeing each other). If necessary it may be wise to go and seek the guidance of a trained sex therapist in order to help get things rolling along. In relationships it is very natural to have high and low peaks of sexual activity but somewhere along the line you have be feel comfortable initiating the act also. If you get shot down the odd time then don't give up totally as it just may not be the right time. Sounds like you folks are mature and reasonable adults and so it is important to communicate with each other. This is far more important than sex in any relationship. Best of luck to you and your wife on getting things together once again.

Answer 2

If your wife is willing to do all the things you talk about what is your problem? I do understand about how you felt when shot down. Boy do I ever. But if she will do all those other things it seems she is more than willing to try.

What I have the hardest time understanding.....and I think you do to....is that women get turned on....not by the sex act alone.....but by the attention you pay to them in a very loving manor. Sex begins long before you clime in that bed. Kissing her for no reason....saying you love her out of the blue.....a love pat as you walk by.....doing all these things and more begin to get her in the mood because she feels loved.

Or hectic lives today is a real killer. By the time you go to bed you both may be tired and because the newness has worn off it may not be worth the effort. So perhaps another time now and then.

If the sex you do have is great there is no reason to worry about it. The longer you are together and the more you know each other the less exciting sex is. That is universal.

The most important thing you could do for yourself is to step back...look at that women you share your life with and see her with new eyes. See the incredible gift you have in her and not having sex every day will not be so important.

And the best part that change on your part will almost guarantee a better sexual relationship with her.

Answer 3

been right where you and there is good news. you can get past it.

my first suggestion. try to do some role playing scenes. stick to something not incredibly eloborate (maybe model - photographer, teacher - school girl, or something like that) but definitely something that has you telling her what to do.

the key is to remember to stay in character at all times for the first few times you try it. even if she breaks character you stay in it (unless of course she becomes really freaked out by it and then just stop and talk it through).

also, make a yes/no/maybe list with her. this is simply a menu of everything you have ever heard of in terms of sexual activities that you both read and each of you says yes, no, or maybe to each activity. that way you get an idea of where the boundaries are so you won't have to worry about what she will or won't be willing to do. you'll already know.

once you have that list and a character you feel you can play then just loose yourself in the character and go from there. do this for each encounter for a couple months and you will have gained confidence in what you are doing and can start to use the same things you would do as the character as just yourself.

and remember. she married you for you your sexual skills are only part of that. she probably understands it might take you awhile to get up to speed. and to be honest i'm willing to bet that you are a great deal more concerned about this than she is.

Answer 4

My advice for what it is worth is to start dating your wife,small romantic places or just a walk through the mall, hold hands, put your arm around her waist, open doors for her, etc. affection before is the key to sex later. Call her when at work to say i was thinking about you and how much i do love you and just had to call and hear your voice. do this more than once make it a habit for life. bring her home something once in a while, like a scented candle or a little plant or a card, or take out on your way home, a stronger relationship will lead to a strong sexual attachment too.
You are doing well in the fact that you two are willing to talk and work through your problems.
Keep the bed room just for sex, have candles in there and incense etc. she has said she wants you to be the aggressor, how cool for you stud, get with it. a glass or two of wine and some slow dancing is always good to get in the mood, make sure your wife is a about 10days into her cycle when her sexual peek for the month will be at it's highest. lots of kisses everywhere, touching everywhere, telling she is want you want and need. You should also tell her these things when sex is not on your mind.
Keep talking things out always honest and open .
i hope my suggestions help some.

Answer 5

Women like romance. We like our neck rubbed after a long day.

Mornings are nice for sex, when you first wake up, instead of trying to be romantic when you are exhausted at night.

Here are two excellent books:
Sex begins in the Kitchen: Because Love is an All Day Affair
by Kevin Leman
and
Sheet Music
By Kevin Leman

Until you get those, the next time you have a chance, hold her hand, rub her neck, give her a nice long kiss before you leave for work. Listen attentively to her, ask her about her day, compliment her on something different each day.
Hope this helps.

Answer 6

Yes you can start over in a sense. She wants you to be more aggressive, but you don't have to be aggressive in the since of " Come here let me jump your bones" lol kinda thing. Start slow, when your laying in bed rub her arm, kiss her forehead and sensually work your way around her body. That's initiating it. Don't go into it with the anticipation of getting some and things will work out. Your self esteem has a huge effect on things too. You probably get nervous tense up and just say "eh forget it she'll just turn me down" but hopefully doing this will build you back up again to be that manly tiger you are lol. Also your already taking the first step on to starting over, your being honest. I've been married for 7 yrs now and we don't have sex like we did when we first started dating, but that happens. But don't let that become the norm. , have a date night and plan on a sexy romantic evening. Hope this helps !

Answer 7

It sounds like to me, you need to put the past in the past. So you messed up with the lie. It's over and done with. Move on from there....continue doing all the stuff you were doing but just boost it up to more that once a week. You are not the first man that's ever been shot down but don't let that stop you......keep going til you two find a pace that is comfortable for the both of you. Good luck.

Answer 8

Go to a bookstore and get a book on something like 365 positions pick some out together and go for it.......tell her that you want to discover her entire body again and do it.....it isn't impossible to restart a sex life just do it......and if you spent as much time doing it as wondering how you would be at home with her right now! Trust me show us you love and respect us and treat us well and we will be putty in your hands....that's just the way it is!

Answer 9

I think maybe you guys should try couples counseling. I wouldnt think that hearing that news is a reason to not want to be intimate with your husband, maybe she is just using that as an excuse for some other problem she is having. I think counseling might really help because it doesnt seem from what you are saying that sex is the only problem.

Answer 10

I hear you in the "getting rejected" department. It makes you not want to pursue it anymore for fear of rejection. Unfortunately or fortunately it was with my ex-wife so I no longer have that fear of rejection. Looking back though, I quit being "romantic" or "spontaneous". Women don't want a time when you two will be having sex. Plus they are emotional so letting them know you are thinking about them throughout the day will be helpful. Do lot's of the stuff you used to do for her before you became serious with her and got married.