what do I make of this?

Question

My best friend has been with this guy for over 4 yrs..they are planning to get married in June...the thing is I went to see them and she had bruises on her arm and when I asked what they were from she gave the classic answer "I fell" yea right..anyways while I was visiting her fiance told me that I cant go to the wedding..I didnt say anything but...what do I do? do I go anyway do I tell her Im just lost...and Im hurting for her any advice

Answer 1

That is rough. I'm sorry you are going through this.

You are right to be concerned. The fact that he is not letting you go to the wedding is definitely a red flag, as abusers often isolate their spouse from their friends and other people who might help them, and the bruises could be a real sign of abuse. It is not guaranteed he is an abuser, but the signs are common. I imagine you may have other signals that are tipping you off besides what you provide here. You are a good friend, and I have some bad news... but I also have some good news.

The bad news is that YOU cannot live your friend's life. She has to make her own decisions and empower herself. Also, make sure that you are not reflecting jealousy or dislike onto the situation, making it out to be something that it is not just because you do not like that she is getting married! I throw that out there to be safe, however, and not to accuse you. It sounds to me like you have a legitimate concern for what could be a legitimate and serious problem.

The good news is that you can help! Start by educating yourself on domestic violence, which is a serious problem in this country. Find out what all the signs of abuse are. Find out what the psychological implications are for your friend. It is easy information to get. Fortunately, there are organizations designed specifically for helping with this kind of situation. You can start by visiting the website (which I have included in a link below) for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. They are an excellent organization designed to help people like your friend. They even have a toll free number you can call for more information.

You can also call your local law enforcement agency or women's shelter and get more information that is relevant to your specific area. They may be able to provide you with a handbook, or other information, and can listen to your concerns and give you some advice on how to handle it so you do not get yourself in trouble. Then you can make sure that your friend gets this information, which will be invaluable to her. She may be confused and not understand the situation as well as she could.

The best thing you can do to help your friend is to continue to be her friend. Don't let her man isolate her, and he likely will try. That said, do not put yourself in danger by confronting him. If you have to, keep it to phone calls. Make sure she gets the information from the NCADV or local shelter, and hope she uses that information to empower herself. Only she can break the cycle of violence in her situation, but many women do. Good luck!

Answer 2

Um, wow. Any chance she really did fall? I am just trying to be fair.

I think you can ask your "best friend" why you have been uninvited. If she can't give you a straight answer, I think you know what's up. Do what a friend should do, and tell her it sounds like she is about to marry a controlling, abusive jerk.

She will PROBABLY cry, tell you that you don't want her to be happy, blame you, and will probably marry him anyways, but at least your conscious is clear.

If you can, try to maintain contact with her. If you have any good evidence she is being abused, I suggest you call the cops.

Answer 3

Why would he tell you you can't go to the wedding? Did you accuse him of smacking her around? If the answer is no, your friend is heading for some serious trouble. This guy sounds like a control freak.
I would talk to my friend and voice my concerns but be prepared. More than likely, she's not going to listen.
All you can do is be there for her. As hard as it is, you're going to have to sit and watch this drama unfold. She's going to need your friendship more than ever when she realizes what she got into. Hopefully she won't go through with the marriage.

Answer 4

There isn't really much you can do. He seems to be doing the isolation thing on her, trying to keep her away from anyone that will help her. Go to the wedding anyway, don't let him drive you away from your friend. Also sit down when you get her alone and tell her you know what's going on. Try to talk her out of marrying him. She's in for a world of misery. If you can't talk her out of it hand her a telephone number of her local battered women's shelter and tell her you'll help her the minute she comes to her senses and is ready to get out. Tell her you don't care if it takes her years and you haven't talked for that long. Day or night you're there to rescue her. Good luck.

Answer 5

Ovbviously, you do care for your friend very much. I've seen stuff like this before. Sometimes you ned to get tuff and this is one of them. Try to get together with her for a day, you know like a girls day out, make her talk to you. If you can make up a story about someone else that you know who is going through abuse and see how she responds to that. Sometimes that person will open up if they know they're not the only one in that situation. Find someone in your town that deals with women being abused, don't confront the man otherwise you might make it worse. If she marries him it will only get worse. Be there for her no matter what and listen to her. Most important of all, pray about it and ask the Lord to help you. Good luck andGod Bless you.

Answer 6

Why does shdwtalke know so much about abusing women.... interesting but he didn't really give u any useful advice there did he. It depends on how close you are to your friend and how will you are to get involved. Do you know any of her other friends that u could mention the bruises to and get their take on it?
she invited you to the wedding? yea, bringing that up or "going against his wishes" could cause problems for you and/or her. It's hard to say and i think part of it has to do with how close you two are. him not allowing does not sound good for the future of your wedding. I imagine he feels threatened by you.... perhaps.

Good luck

Answer 7

Get your friend alone and find out why you cant go to the wedding.. then find out if she has any new brusies.
The whole falling down thing might have worked in the 50s but now a days women take kickboxing and spar and etc.
Protect yourfriend over anything else though.. if you think she is in trouble talk to her family

Answer 8

Sounds like he wants you out of the picture, for obvious reasons. I would definately tell her parents what your suspicions are. Someone should definately ask more questions about this. If your not afraid, I would go to the wedding and stand up when they ask if anyone objects. Daring move but it will save your friend from making a huge mistake.

Answer 9

Don't jump to conclusions. Maybe she did fall. You don't know.

All you can do is let he know you care, and that you'll be there for her. If you are concerned that he's abusing her, bring it up to her when you two are alone. She may not admit it if it's true, but let her know that you're there for her.

As far as you not being invited to the wedding, that sounds fishy. Ask her about it. Maybe you aren't as good of friends as you thought you were, or maybe he's a jealous psycho - you don't know. But if you care about her, all you can do is let her know that you care and that you'll be there for her. But you have to let her live her own life.

Answer 10

Honest, you can't do anything about it. Lets hope that she will realize how much he is wrong to do that. I know its hard to deal with that. Try find a way to have her alone with you and tell her the truth how much you feel so hurt by see her like this. It could wake her up. Good luck.