I think I may be shallow and insensitive...?

Question

I love my wife, but am no longer attracted to her like I was a few years ago. All she ever does is complain about her weight, although she is not fat. I've always told her she is beautiful, but my words fall on deaf ears. But all of this attention to her weight has now made my mind agree with her. I now desire a much better looking woman. How do I get the attraction for my wife back???

Just to add..she is definitely not fat and has actually lost a little weight since we've been married.

Answer 1

I have heard that men desire a woman who is OK looking, but full of confidence about themselves over a woman who is drop dead gorgeous, but lacks confidence. Your wife is basically searching for reassurance that you find her beautiful, and I think the issue is really hers, but now she's made it yours as well. Tell her that she's just as pretty as she was before, but the more she keeps pointing out her flaws and complaining about her weight, the less you want to even go near her. Tell her that if she keeps this up, she will eventually push you away. Tell her that she's making her issues come between the two of you, and that she needs to do whatever it is she needs to do stop obsessing about this when you are together. And then of course, reassure her once again how desirable she is, and make sure you do it every day, BEFORE she has an opportunity to complain. When she begins to complain after this talk, interrupt her and say, remember what I said, I don't want to hear it, and walk away! She will either get it, or she won't. But let her know that her behavior is sabotaging the relationship, not her body or looks.

Answer 2

Actually, I would not say you are shallow and insensitive. If so, then every guy is. It is natural to go through these feelings, especially as changes happen. But it is rough! You do not want to continue on this negative path, or you'll regret it. To fix the problem is going to take some work, and you cannot do it alone. Both of you have to work together, or there is no chance of success.

I highly recommend going to a marriage counselor. You two need to have a talk, and it will be much easier and much more productive having a professional mediator to help. She needs to deal with her self-perception problems, which may be the first step toward reducing her weight problem. If she gained the weight and used to be thinner, then she needs your support! That is what marriage is all about. She is probably depressed and going through a rough time. Keep telling her she is beautiful. Keep telling her you love her. Do it every day, and it will boost her self esteem and make her more open to fixing the problem. Eventually you can convince her to go see her doctor. Maybe there is a medical reason for her problems! Encouragement is going to get her there better than nagging or abandonment.

That said, it is not fair for you to carry the burden of responsibility yourself! It is unfair, and happens a lot, to call the guy the insensitive jerk when he has put in the effort. She has to help, too. That is another reason I advise the counselor. A professional will be better able to get through to her, without making you sound selfish or uncaring. A good counselor will help you express YOUR needs and thoughts as well, and not just hers. Marriage is a two-way street. Hopefully you'll be able to work it out with a little help.

I do not advise looking for a "much better looking woman." You can look forever for Miss Perfect, and you'll never find her. She does not exist. You already know that beauty does not always last on the outside. It is time to cultivate the beauty that is on the inside as well. This will make your wife more attractive, and make you a better man. Good luck!

Answer 3

First you think you lost attraction to your wife but really you haven't you are just frustrated at all the hoopla over her weight and all, When all you need to do is keep reassuring her that she is beautiful and don't give up sometimes we women don't listen because in our minds we really do think what we see in the mirror is fat and not really looking closely enough and see that we are truly beautiful else our men wouldn't have never married us in the first place.

My advice to you is stay with your wife, love her unconditionally, meaning no matter if she complains about her weight love her because if the shoe was on the other foot you would want her to be supportive of you and you know it. Like I said the desire is there you have to put the effort back into it so it can be what you want it to be, no if you are looking then I guess it is a lost cause in me saying anything to you for you have already made up your mind, but I urge you to stay and be with your wife and work with her and not against her. The person you married and loves so much is still there inside of you!
Good Luck!

Answer 4

Women like your wife have no intention of losing weight. They simply complain, to keep their husbands from complaining. These are insecure women who literally run their husbands crazy with these games.

Most likely, you always told your wife she was beautiful, because her weight gain wasn't a problem for you. Now that your wife has been successful in making it an issue, you'll need to encourage her to lose the weight. Since she knew she was gaining weight all along, and has done nothing about it thus far, it's unlikely that she'll do anything now. After all, you've always gone along with her little deception; why should she listen to you now?

Let's be honest: you may not regain the attraction for your wife, even if she loses the pounds. You may be worn out, tired of the complaining and the problems. Talk to your wife about the weight and see what happens. In the meantime, take some time for yourself and consider your options. Do you want to stay in the marriage? If so, what needs to be done (other than the weight) to make it better? Specifically, what can you do to make it better? Think about these things.

Answer 5

it is quite difficult to live with a negative person. And if that negative attitude is mostly directed at themselves there is little anyone else can do. She needs to see a therapist to find out, for herself, why she feels this way.

If she were truly heavy and you made sure she knew that then she would have good reason to be negative. But it sounds like you have not.

You say you have lost the attraction for her. I assume it is not because of a weight issue but because of her bad attitude.
Step back for a bit and ask yourself....what did I see in this woman. What about her attracted me. Was it only her looks? Was it her personality and looks? What made you say I have to have this woman as my wife?

Then try your best to look past the negativity she has now and see if that women you fell in love with is still their somewhere. She is you know. Just your perspective has changed.

Get her help. Don't just abandon her now. She was your love so now she needs your help.

Answer 6

Be completely honest with her and let her know how you feel.

It's easier for a person to fall into the self-hatred then the self-love. Ask her what you can do to make her feel more at ease with herself but to be honest with you, you may need to just let her know that you are fed up with her complaining ways about her weight and that she needs to do something about it if she's not comfortable. Tell her your willing to eat on a diet with her. (You can always grab a burger or something when not in her presence) That might help her out if she's the one cooking for everyone. Do not feel bad about your desire for others. It's natural. What's not natural is acting on it. Good Luck and be Good!

'-)

Good Luck!

Answer 7

I don't think you are shallow and insensitive, you have been battered by yrs of listening to her saying she is unattractive until now you believe it. Kinda like brainwashing. Tell her how you feel. Explain how you've always thought she was attractive but now you feel she must not be b/c she has been saying it all along. Try to be tactful though. Then take her out and make both of you feel good about yourselves and each other.

Answer 8

Try to remember what attracted you to her when you 1st met. Communicate with her that her negative feelings about herself have tainted the way you now view her.

If she thinks she's over weight, go a diet & workout with her. Show her that you are there for her & willing to do what ever it takes to help get her self esstem back where it needs to be.

Good luck. :-)

Answer 9

One, you need to talk openly and honestly about this to your wife. Say exactly now, what you have told us

Second, some form of insecurity is obviously plaguing her, so suggest therapy. Some form of counseling.

Third, you both should attend some marriage counseling. You're feelings about your wife's complaining has affected your sex life and feelings. This needs to be addressed.

Answer 10

It can be hard to be attracted to someone who does not love herself. Take time out of the week and date your wife and fall in love again.