Husband behaving Questionably. Do I have the right to be this upset or am I being paranoid?

Question

I have just found evidence of my husband having an online "friendship" with several women whose profile pics are half naked. I also found more porn DVDs after he promised me many times over 5 years he wouldnt do it again. I explained to him it makes me feel unloved etc. He cant "get it up" for me and says its his medication but as I have put on weight due to severe fibromyalgia, I have my doubts. He also tells white lies and every now and then I catch him out. I wonder if this is leading to more betrayal or its just in my head. He swears he would die for me etc and does a lot for me but I still dont feel I can t trust him. I brought it up with him today trying the be adult about it, he told me he is lonely becasue he never goes anywhere, yet the one time he has gone out in the last 6 months he was AWOL, phone off etc, he came home late 6 hours and stinking of beer, yet our religion says we do not drink. What do I do now the trust is gone? Its just one more thing in a huge list of lies over a long time. Today I felt like a part of me died for good! Please help. I have been in tears all day and didnt know how to ask this question. If it offends you, I am very sorry.

Answer 1

Yes, you have a right to be upset. No, it is not just in your head.

Online cheating is cheating nonetheless. He says he would die for you, but the odds of that being tested are slim to none. It is more telling that he said he would get rid of his porn DVD's, but didn't.

When the trust is gone, it is hard to rebuild if the other party is not interested in rebuilding. This sounds like a decision that you are going to have to make on your own. This is about you and what's best for your life. Living with a man who makes you feel like part of you has died for good is not a healthy way to live.

Even though this is your decision, I think that you should talk with someone that you trust and someone that won't tell you to "just deal with it" or "he'll change", "be a happy wife", "you made your bed, now lie in it", and any other silly saying that makes zero sense. You need a positive, support system.

Please, remember how valuable you are. Don't devalue yourself by subjecting yourself to someone who treats you so miserably. You have one life, so love yourself first.

Take care and best luck.

Answer 2

First of all I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. The Internet is a marvelous tool but it has been the downfall of many a marriage. I speak from experience.

It all begins very innocently. You have the thrill of talking with someone that you don't have to deal with except at the end of your finger tips. And if porn is involved it can be even worse. Porn gives a guy expectations of what it could be like if he only had the right woman. Porn was not an issue for me but I see what it can do. I talked to women all over the country while my wife was gone. We lived in one city and our children in another.
It is as much an attraction as going to a girly bar only more so perhaps because you can actually talk to them. And bring sex into it and your hooked.

I did this only when my wife was gone but could not resist it when she wasn't. So she found herself pretty much where you are. The difference perhaps was that I still found her very attractive.

I did my best to give it up. And then we moved to another city because of my job. At that point she begin to do the same thing.
Well I couldn't say much as I had done it and as long as it was someone across the country....well.

It dawned on my one day that if she could talk to anyone she wanted to why not someone close. I had avoided that on purpose. I pressed her about it and sure enough she was and she was seeing him while I worked. That ended our marriage.

Porn alone might explain why your husband can not get it up with you but talking with other women and maybe having on-line sex with them would be even more of a reason.

I can see you already suspect this. I know very well what you mean about part of you dieing. My first wife and I had been married 37 years. By no means was it all her fault but when you loose all trust you have no where to turn to. The place you always turned to before is gone.

But take heart. I was 61 then and have re-married. She lives alone. Never ever think you can't be happy again. It may seem that way now but it is not.

And never apologize for offending anyone. That is what this is for. Getting it out and hoping someone can give you a different perspective. I am sorry I can not.

Answer 3

You know, trust is very hard thing to rebuild after it is lost... it almost sounds like he is feeling smothered and you both don't seem to be enjoying each other anymore- you need to get to the bottom of the reasons why-- Honestly, I don't mean to be rude, but if you "have doubts" as to whether he's telling you the truth about not being able to get it up-- you need to take action and make sure that you aren't in any way contributing to that. You know you can't lie to yourself and if you know you're not attractive then it's probably true. How do I put this kindly?-- OK here's an example; once in my life- I had a confidence problem that I thought people were always looking down on me due to my lifestyle (and it was true) When I changed my lifestyle to that of a more upstanding citizen and it wasn't easy-- it was only then that if someone gave me a funny look- I knew for a fact that it wasn't anything concerning me. If you had reason to have that kind of confidence then when he can't get it up- you'll know for a fact that it's not you. It sounds to me like your man is cracking under the pressure- if you could be more understanding of a beer now and then, I doubt the situation would be pressed to the point you're at now. Good Luck!

Answer 4

I'm very sad for you and so sorry about how your husband is acting. As far as not "getting it up" for you, that's complete BS. It has nothing to do with you! My ex-husband told me the same thing. The fact that he was taking pills for diabetes and depression had nothing to do with his impotence (right). He used to tell me that it was ME. I think it also had to do with the pornography that he was looking at constantly. I know that once the trust is gone and the respect, the marriage is lost.

I truly empathize with your situation, as I too had fibromyalgia (and a cheating husband). I was so very depressed and he made me feel that HIS impotence was MY fault and the fact that he HAD to cheat was MY fault too. Poor guy - he was just too lonely (give me a break).

Since then I made myself better as far as the fibromyalgia and now almost never have symptoms. I lost the ten pounds that I put on while so depressed. I gave myself a makeover - both physically and emotionally. I divorced the lying bastard and moved on. I am now wildly in love with a new man who adores me and who is like a fantasy as far as a lover. He has the utmost integrity and I never worry about what he's doing.

Meanwhile, my ex is still impotent, cried his eyes out when I left and begged me to come back for more than a year, has not found a woman online who will even date him more than once, has gained 20 pounds, and has generally gone downhill. He's not even working because he spends all his time online and with pornography - kind of pathetic.

Think about letting him go. He's blaming his own weaknesses on you and you are feeling the depression and anxiety because of it. At least sign up for some counseling from a non-religious source. You can get yourself better medically and you will feel better emotionally too.

God bless honey! If you need to talk, please e-mail me.

Answer 5

Your husband is an insecure guy. He sees you as an merchandise. once you exhibit your sexuality, it this situation with information from getting a calender with images of alternative adult males, it humanizes you. This confuses and upsets your husband. He would not comprehend why an merchandise is by marvel 'appearing like a human beings'. To him that's as confounding as seeing a settee study a e book or watching a television set pour itself a beer. you want to have someone your husband trusts, like a be certain or a mentor, clarify to him that females are human beings too. it will be confusing, yet in time your husband will initiate to comprehend and with slightly of success you'll both be able to take exhilaration on your smutty calendars mutually.

Answer 6

No, you are not being paranoid. If your gut instincts are telling you that your husband is doing wrong, I suggest you trust it! Your man should never be MIA for an extended amount of time with no means of communication available for you to reach him.

Seems like he may be having a difficult time dealing with your recent weight gain and personal problems. You & your husband should seek profesional help ASAP. Dont let this situtaion get to far out of control to where all hope is lost.

Good luck & stay positive. :-)

Answer 7

Wow, take it from a woman who has been in a similar situation, you need to get out as fast as you can! He is lying, betraying you, and probably cheating. He doesn't deserve you sweetie! The porn is a bigger issue trhan you may think and it will only get worse! It's hard to move on, but in the end you will happy you left. You need to put yourself first.

Answer 8

What you need to do is leave him alone.
Listen, you've already tried talking to him about it, but honestly, you cant change someone. They can only change themselves.

So just leave him alone and let him do his own things. Porn is not a bad thing, many men use it all the time (even married men)

As for having friendships online, that can lead to trouble, but its only the internet so dont jump to any conclusions.

I know you want him to be there with you and comfort you and love you, but you can ask him of it. You cant force him to do that. You can only be who you are and let him be who he is.

Once you stop trying to change him and go on your own business, you'll see that he'll start missing you and come back to you. He needs to realize this on his own though.

Just like adults need to give teenagers space, you need to give your husband some space.

Answer 9

i am sorry for your situation but you need to listen to your intuition. I sense a few things---your husband has a pornography addiction and needs help with it--i listed a few web sites below you may want to look into---your hubby is also getting attention from these online women and that is a huge boost for his ego--however it is still wrong----I dont know what your religion is but perhaps you can speak ith your pastor etc about this----sit down with your husband--do not judge him--and tell him you both need help--I suggest marriage therapy for you both and he needs a good sex therapist to deal with his pornography addiction. Blessings.

Answer 10

Seek counseling. Get him to open up to someone who is unbiased and can help him deal w/ the problems he seems to be having. You also need an outlet. Do couples conseling as well as single counseling.