My hubby had an affair, and up until last night, i was willing to try to forgive and try to work on it. All because of what he said. He said "he had the perfect set up this summer, he had the woman that he loves and 'her'". My mind processed that like this: He finds perfection in having his cake and eating it too and THAT is the prefect life for him, that just him and me are not good enough for him. He explains it like this: That at the time he had the affair, that was a good situation for him. We were having a very bad marriage at the time and he did have me and her, and she was a woman who never argued with him, he didnt have to fight to get sex. He says it was a temporary perfect situation, but his perfect life is me and him. I just dont know how to deal with that statement. My fear is that if he finds that behavior 'perfect', he will do this again. He says i misunderstood him and there is a difference between a perfect temp. situation and a permanent perfect life......
2007-01-10 02:33:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
and that he wants the perfect life with me and not what our marriage was that lead him to his affair. What do you all think about this? I'm confused.
2007-01-10 02:34:15 · update #1
Once a cheater always a cheater. He will cheat on you again if he is not still doing it. Cheaters are usually very good bullshitters.
2007-01-10 02:40:03 · answer #1 · answered by mvas800 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well... summer has been over for a while... how long ago was the affair... you had planned on trying to make your marriage work... I would suggest you both get into counseling.. I personally am always about making a family work out... however cheating is something I personally don't think I could ever forgive... I would be upset by what your husband stated also... try counseling and see if marriage is what you both want.... and then your husband needs to remember marriage is between 2 not with a 3rd on the side.
2007-01-10 02:41:59 · answer #2 · answered by Tricia P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In all seriousness honey, he will cheat again at some point because he found it so "perfect" and because he feels entitled to. I think that you would be wise to seek counseling for yourself if you decide to keep going with your marriage, or even if you decide to divorce or separate. There is NO good reason to cheat and going through hard times in your marriage does not give you the right to seek outside attentions. I promise you that the old "once a cheater always a cheater" addage is right and you can expect that this will come up again unless you take serious steps to get to the root of it. Whatever you do, don't accept an appology as being enough to put this right - that's just a slap on the wrist for him.
2007-01-10 02:47:59 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to seriously communicate with him openly and honestly about what this affair has done to you emotionally, hold nothing back. He needs to understand just how much he has hurt you as a woman and a wife. He needs to understand how much he has damaged and betrayed your trust and how much he has taken away from his marriage. With that said you need find out if he is willing to work on saving his marriage? And if he is what is he willing to do, counseling? If he says yes, ask him to find a counselor he likes and soon, very soon. The "perfection" he was after doesn't exist... not really. It evaporated soon enough for him. He has to learn to live in the real world, the good, the bad, the boring, thats life, he can't be a small child anymore and run out and try and find a really cool toy to play with and amuse himself until he gets bored again and then pick up his marbles and go home. Pretty soon "home" is gonna tell him to take a flying leap. He has work to do to repair his marriage....
L.
2007-01-10 05:04:08 · answer #4 · answered by tink3610 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you 2 should get some counseling if you want to try to work it out. There were obviously some major issues in the marriage for awhile and if you don't get them resolved I feel like the same scenario could happen again. It sounds like you both have issues to work on and a counselor can help you get them worked out faster. You really have to decide if you will be able to put the affair behind you and start all over again. It will be hard and take work but it can be done if both of you are willing to compromise and work hard at it. Good Luck.
2007-01-10 02:42:04 · answer #5 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The guy's an ***, get rid of him. Seriously, I'm the last to advocate divorce, but after him saying something like that, he sounds like a pig. If he thinks a perfect situation is having a bad marriage and having a gf on the side instead of trying to fix it, he will seek that every time the two of you hit a bump in the road. You deserve better.
2007-01-10 02:39:52 · answer #6 · answered by lookinforanswers 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I say as a man, there is no excuse for what he did. If he disrespected you then he disrespected you, he knew what he was doing and now he is playing the head game with you.
what happens next summer when he is at it again? I say let him move out and find that stepford wife and not the remake.
I have been married 10 years, we got married at 20. yes it gets rocky sometimes but I take my fustrations out on a video game and she takes hers out on cleaning man is that house ever clean.....
call him out on it, tell him what you think really think... then go from there. I know that if I cheated on my wife she would devorce me and rightfully so. Its the biggest disrespect of all.
2007-01-10 02:52:03 · answer #7 · answered by m40_longrange_death 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
just remember, once a cheater always a cheater. what price did you make him pay for cheating?nothing!!!! he will cheat again, so do the right thing and leave, but if you can't then i would go bang the first guy you see and tell him what you did and see how he reacts. if he leaves then good for you and find a guy who will love and respect you. good luck
2007-01-10 02:59:58 · answer #8 · answered by bone 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
being betrayed like that is the most hurtful thing.......and to forgive is the easy part really........the forgetting is the hardest.
If your guy want to be forgiven then he's going to have to be remorseful, and totally transparent in his every move, and to mee it just sounds like he is sorry he got caught!
I believe everyone deserves a second chance if they are truley sorry, but not a third or forth etc...
2007-01-10 02:42:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Excuses excuses, he the one who is not perfect, and cheated on you. Its sounds like he's blaming you for something he did. Every relatioship has problems, but he needs to understand that that cheating is not the answer.
2007-01-10 02:42:24 · answer #10 · answered by Its me again 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋