Marriage problems? Fighting really bad....?

Question

My husband and I dont fight often, but when we do it is horrible! And it lasts for days and then nothing gets resolved. We both work fulltime outside of the home, but yet I still do all the home chores like cooking cleaning, everything! I am almost 5 months pregnant and need help. but when i tell him he just gets so upset and says stuff like, fine im just a lazy peice of crap, or im just stupid! ahh it makes me so mad! i would give anything to come home from work and have him start making dinner, hell he cant even think of anything to eat. Another thing we always fight about is i ask him to surprise me with something sweet or do something nice for me and all he can say is I cant think of anything to do for you. What can I do?

Oh and did I mention we have only been married a little over a year?

Answer 1

Have you asked him if there was something wrong? It sounds like that he is being selfish and not thinking about you and the new baby that is going to come in a matter of another four months. If he cant think of one thing that he can do that would be nice for his wife well then you should tell him he better try because you will, trust me, start to resent him quickly!! He is probably a little nervous, excited, and just being a man (they dont think clearly when there is change coming), but you deserve a little extra comfort right now and tell him he has to deliver. He loves you, he will find the way. Good luck and keep us posted.
-Christine D-

Answer 2

Yep. Guys are lost when it comes to the kitchen. Show us a leaky pipe, or a blown fuse, & we're on it. But ask us to fry an egg, & we turn into helpless children.

I agree that a husband can help around the house at any time. When his wife is 5 month's pregnant, not only should he help, but he must avoid calling her "lazy".

The biggest part of your problem is (of course) communication. But an element of that (which I will address 1st) is the expectations that I think are there. I know this because it happens to me. So I will now speak from my own experience.
My wife is an excelllent cook, & a whiz in the kitchen. When she asks me to prepare a meal instead of her (same as you) I feel overwhelmed. Mainly because I think that she expects me to whip up a meal to the same standard as she does.
So I start with the fridge, & stare in it for 1/2 an hour trying to decide what I can do with what I find in there. Then I spend another 45 min scrounging around the cupboards trying to find where she put the George Forman grill, or something like that.

Meanwhile, she would be happy if I made her a grilled cheeze sandwich when she got home, just as long as she could walk through the door just once in a while, & not have the added burden of having to plan, & prepare a meal.
"Well shoot, why didn't you say that in the 1st place honey" is what I think, because I can manage that.

So what I want you to try is to lay a few things out in the kitchen the night before. leave a note on the kitchen table with rather detailed instructions on what to do, phone him before you leave work the next day, & tell him where to find the note.
As Dr Phil likes to put it. "Place your dots close together, & then connect the dots with a bold red line"
Now he may burn the crap out of everything anyway but make sure you eat the meal with a big smile on your face, & tell him how tasty it is.

But looking at the big picture, the communication is what needs to improve between you two.

Please take a look at this site: http://www.relationshipjourney.com/dialtips.html

Read the section on "Intentional Dialogue". If you both give this an honest try, I can promise you amazing results. Now you can try this on your own, or you can go to a marriage councellor, & I can guarantee you that you will be presented with either the exact same thing, or something like it. So taking it serious now could be a lot less trouble, & less expensive.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

I'm not sure about your situation, but I have figured out after being married for 22 years, that my husbands reaction to what I say to him has alot to do with when I ask or how I ask. I used to start on him pretty much as soon as he got home from work, but I later figured out that I needed to let him unwind for awhile and then ask, Nicely. How you state your case and the tone of your voice makes a big difference too. Don't wait until your all bent out of shape about getting the housework done. Do it when you can be calm. Try asking him if he has any suggestions about how to resolve the housekeeping problems and if he does try it, don't dismiss his ideas (even though yours may be better) this is a sign of respect and you won't receive respect from him unless you give it. I know it's hard, the first year of marriage is always the hardest and being pregnant doesn't help. Hang in there and keep working on it. I hope I'm not sounding like I'm laying blame for your situation at your feet, I'm not, but you can only change the way you conduct yourself. You can't change him, that's up to him to do. Good luck.

Answer 4

I am 5 months pregnant too and I know how tired you are. I also know how hormonal and emotional you are too. But I think your problem isnt just hormonal. He is in the wrong. He really needs to help you. Sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Men just cant seen to understand that we arent their slaves. You have a full time job and are pregnant. I am exhausted just after coming home from work. There are days I just wanna put my feet up and rest the rest of the evening. My goodness, he has no clue!!!! He really needs to have his eyes opened. Counseling or someone he will listen to could open his eyes a little. His mom may help him understand what your're going through. You may have your OB mention that you need lots of rest while during your appt. Let your OB fill him in on what your needs are. You need to be as stress free as possible right now too so his "fine, i'm just a lazy pc of crap" needs to stop. He needs to grow up and be a man, because when this baby gets here, you will need even more from him. Its time he accepts some responsibility. Good Luck and Congrats on being a mommy!!!!

Answer 5

I have went through the same things with my husband. In order to get him to help out around the house, I just let the house go for about a week. I still did the laundry and the cooking and let him pick up the house--if he wanted it done. At first he constantly nagged me, but he finally caught on. Now everday that he has off he cleans the house, and everyday I have off I clean the house and this system seems to work out great. If that doesn't seem to have any effect on him, I would try to seek some counseling. You might also try writing him a letter to express your feelings. Leave it for him to read when he will be home alone for a long period of time by himself. That worked for my husband too--at least temporarily. Good Luck!

Answer 6

As typical as it may sound, I suggest you get counseling, as soon as possible. Because I too was in this position and the main problem is communication. Your husband probably plays the "victim" role! Like saying he's stupid, lazy, has no ideas, etc. This is their way of getting out of things. You have to stop or resolve your problems now before the baby comes, because when the baby does come, there will be so much more to fight about, unless you can compromise now and learn how to deal with each other's personalities.

Answer 7

Ask him sometimes in the morning if he would mind throwing something on the bbq so dinner would get a head start ...My husband can't cook for crap, but he enjoys cooking on the bbq, I pretend I am afraid of it so he has to do it!!! Be sneaky with giving him ideas... You can also use the slow cooker (crockpot) to help you out sometimes, I am in the same predicament, but have 3 kids, to take care of my self, and having a terminal disease... Still working f/t myself, though very hard at times with the medicine side effects, Any time you want to talk i/m or email me... Everyone needs some one to vent to here and there... Good luck...

Answer 8

O you got problems. I went threw that at 5 years but realized what I was doing thanks to my wife. Just sit down with him on a day off and keep a calm tone voice, when telling him about whats going on. You are in the right, and I try as much as I can for my wife as we are 2 months away from adding another to our 2. Marriage is a give and take especially when both are working! Be calm and make him realize that your not calling him lazy, your just asking for some help.Good luck

Answer 9

You have married a very selfish man.... I say you do your own laundry, cook your own dinner and tell him that he was right, you are lazy, too lazy to do it all by yourself, so you are cutting down on your work load. If he has something to say about it, let him know you are following his example. If you think things are hard now, wait until the baby is born! You are going to be working harder then you can imagine and he needs to participate in this marriage.

Answer 10

Sounds like he doesn't understand your needs. Things are going to be rough in a new marriage while you are trying to get used to your new roles as husband and wife as well as new mom and dad. Maybe you need to sit down with him and let him know how stressed out you are and that its not his fault but with all the changes in your lives you need him to pitch in a little bit more. Maybe you can use reverse psychology and mention different dinners you enjoy SO MUCH that he has cooked before.. or maybe you need to involve him more in preparing for the baby. Its not going to be easy because men are stubborn and used to their mothers taking care of everything for them. Good luck!