Dont know what to do?

Question

Im a husband to a wife who has not had a father. Her father is her grandfather. now he has a few short months to live. Cancer in the hip. my wife is taking it very hard. she is becoming hard. to me. i can understand what she it going through but...i cant stand to see her like this. we end up fighting somehow. i dont know how to handle her, what to say, just to make it a bit better. any one know what i should do or say to make her feel ok again. not so angry

Answer 1

You first have to understand that you can't make it better. As a man, you want to "fix" this for her and you can't. So the two of you are butting heads. Just be THERE for her. Listen and don't offer advice or solutions. Just tell her you will be her shoulder to cry on and give her space when she needs it. Ask her to tell you what she would like you to do for her, if you come out and just ask this, she might give you the answer you need.

If she says "nothing", then do nothing and tell her you'll be there to listen and agree (agree, not offer a solution ;-) with her when she needs to talk. You sound like a good husband, you'll get through this.

Answer 2

I am so sorry. Your wife wont feel better any time soon. It is one of the hardest things to have to go though, we are never the same nor do we deal with it or handle it the same. But we all go through the stages. You must let her do that. Its not going to be easy for your either. But be strong,Stronger than life.Allow everything to bounce off you.Listen more than talk. Cancer is ugly and its very painful, very. I suggest that maybe you contact Hospice Organization. The have a support services, Hospice is for families. Hospice ensure that your loved one is in no pain and they go peacefully all the while being their with family members, They have a whole net work of people. Make the call, ask questions and see if its something that will help your wife. God Bless You.

Answer 3

She is going to be anger and very upset. I believe that it is a convience for her to take it out on you, meaning that you are her husband and you are there with her all of the time. I understand her feelings because I too lost my father. I think that my advice to you would be to not allow the escalations to become a fight. She doesn't need to think that in a time like this that she may be losing you as well. Be a shoulder, a brick wall. Do what ever you can to help her but don't fight... Best of luck

Answer 4

This is a difficult time for her. Just clearly let her know that you are there to support her and that you love her. Ask her not to shut you out. You need her as much as she needs you. Tell her you love her.

She's suffering a major loss. Be as patient as you can under the circumstances. Many of the responses so far are good.

If she won't sit still long enough to talk, write her a note or give her a card. If it's too stressful for you, seek counseling.

Try not to fight if you can. As you know, it only makes it worse. See if you can arrange for grief counseling. Perhaps the hospital can provide some.

Answer 5

Dealing with a death is stressful for both partners. Men tend to get angry when they see the one they love in pain and they can't control it. Men are the power house of a relationship and in most cases can proved and protect his wife. It is normal for you to be upset and angry and help fuel a fight. Tell her this is a hard time for you as well, telling her that's its not her you are mad at but the thought of someone you cherish so deeply being in a lot of pain and not being able to protect her. This is the time to bottle your anger and allow her to have her's and not be judged. It's necessary for her to blow up in what ever way she feels she needs to. Most griever's get mad. This is the time your wife being a dragon in a cave blowing her fire.....stay a way because you will get burned. But, stay right out side the cave and be there to grab and hold her when shes done. Swallow your pride and give her the whole cave. At night time when its time to snuggle then let her talk and you can listen. Hug her LOTS and tell her how pretty she is. DON'T FORGET....help out around the house. Cleaning will help lower both of your stress. Buy her her favorite coffee or candy when you go to get gas.

Answer 6

I am so sorry for your wife and her grandfather, well and you too.

Sit her down and tell her that you understand she is upset about her grandfather, you would do anything you could to keep him with her and prevent his pain, her pain. Tell her you understand she is rightfully angry about the cancer, but she can't take her anger out on you. You want to help her through this, as much as possible, but you can't do that if she makes you the enemy instead of the cancer.

My mother died of cancer this past summer, I lived in the hospice with her for 5 weeks, it was the greatest gift my husband and my children gave me to let me go be with her that way (she didn't live near). Tell her that you will do everything to support her and whatever she needs to do for him.

She may need grief counseling. If there is a local hospice, they should be able to provide counseling even if he is not using their services, the hospice in Nevada set me up with grief counseling here. They even have support services for while you are going through these final stages. I can not say enough about hospice care, it made all the difference, they were a God send for my Mother. They let me stay in her room, they let her die with dignity and as pain free as possible.

My heart goes out to all of you during this time. One last thing I just thought of, this summer my husband and I got into a fight a few days after she passed. I remember him saying I'm not going tto do this with you, this isn't about _____________ .

He knew it was about my anger not about whatever I was fighting about. That may help, just say I'm not going to do this (meaning fight) with you, this is about your anger/grief, etc. I want to be here for you not the enemy..

The next few months will be tough, if I can give any final advice it is this. Speak about the good times with her grandfather, recall memories.... At night before the pain medication was really strong my Mother and I would lie awake and talk about the good times. Whenever the pain got bad or we felt anger about the cancer I would try to say "We are SO lucky we have SO many good memories" and that helped us both.

It helps me now.

Answer 7

She is probably hurting so much that she has to somehow block the pain she is feeling by putting up walls around herself. The problem with this is not only is she blocking the painful feelings the "good one's sometimes get blocked too. Have you tried to get her to talk to a grief counselor? Maybe if she gets in to see one before her grandfather passes it will help her to deal with it better.
I am considering doing this as I know I am going to need some help in dealing with everything that is going with my father.
My husband is also understanding, like you, and is also at a loss as to how to help me when I get upset over his illness. I just told him that if I am acting mean or hurtful toward him or our children to gently tell me and if that doesn't work he just comes up to me and holds me and tells me that he is here for me and that I don't have to close myself off and handle it by myself. It does help a lot, just to have him there as my calming force. Maybe at a time when your wife isn't as upset you can talk to her about what might help her when she is. I hope this helps ! Good luck and God bless.

Answer 8

It's typical for men to want to "solve problems" however one thing I learned being married 14 years is sometimes you have to sit back and just listen when she's ready to talk about it. Pushing her, or obviously going out of your way to "cheer her up" sometimes frusterates women. Try bringing home flowers tonight and letting her know your there for her if she wants to talk about things. Let her know your concerned, but understand that she needs her space. Everyone deals with loss in different ways, she may not know what to do, or how to act. Who's to say there is a "right way" to deal with a loss of a close family member anyways. Try to understand that she's probably going through one of the most difficult times in her life right now, and that she really dont know how to deal with it either. Being supportive now, and not allowing yourself to fall into her hurt & maybe lashing out will show her you really do care and want to support her. She may not see it right now, but when she is mentally able to cope with what's going on around her she will begin thinking about all she put you through as well and how you handled it all. She will likely apologize to you, and appreciate your support later. There is no easy way unfortunatly I dont think. Bottom line... Give her space and allow her to grieve. Help her when she asks you to help her. Dont jump to predicting what she needs right now.

Answer 9

Sit her down and talk to her calmly. Tell her you love her and you want to make her feel better but you cant. Let her know instead of being angry to take this time to spend time with her father. Tell her you will be there and you want to help her. Good Luck! :(

Answer 10

I think patience is the key. Your wife is going through one of the toughest ordeals of her life. Be supportive and patient and if she needs a little space, give it to her. Keep you lines of communication open but don't be pushy. She will come to you for support eventually but she needs you to be very strong right now. Don't be self-centered, this isn't about you, it's about your wife losing a pillar in her life.