In a failed marriage how important is it to stay back for the sake of child?

Question

I have a 7 year old daughter, our marriage has failed, my daughter is with her mother and I have moved out, irrespective of the capability of mother and father, who do you think would be better suited to her, or should i force to live in that relation just for the sake of my child.

Answer 1

Many people say it is better for there to be 2 happy individual households rather than 1 unhappy one. My answer will not be a popular one. For the sake of the child the parents should remain together. By making her a priority in both of your lives you will soon be able to find a common ground to build your relationship back up. Somewhere along the lines you have stopped being friends and bitter resentments have driven a wedge between you both. By truly forgiving one another for whatever indiscretions there may have been between you; it is possible to get back to a compatible zone w/mutual love and respect. Children are barometers for our feelings and often take the responsibility for the problems between 2 parents upon themselves. They see themselves as part of each of you so when you are angry with each other she will think you are angry with her and that she needs to fix things by being just a little bit "better". Although, you will visit with her it isn't the same as her knowing that you will be there for her always. Although, you may tell her that ; she will not be able to truly believe you given the fact that you aren't present. As she gets older she will have risidual feelings of abandonment and may have difficulty in her own relationships. No one can tell you what to do. It is your decision and the most popular one is to leave. If there isn't any danger or violence in the home then staying for the sake of the child will not be a popular decision. Ask yourself then how many of the people who didn't have a complete family are now "askers" in this forum because they are unable to maintain their relationships. Marriage is hard and it would be more fun if we could maintain the adrenaline levels we first encountered when we HAD to marry our mate. That isn't reality. Love changes and it grows and it endures alot. It must or how could so many people stay together when they are old and grey. That isn't sexy or exciting. Keep an eye on your child's progress in school and her grades. This can help you know if she is adjusting well to the new arrangements. Good Luck.

Answer 2

Don't stay in the marriage for the sake of your daughter - stay in the marriage because you made vows and they mean something. Otherwise, you teach your daughter that promises mean nothing once you stop feeling like doing it. What if you one day decide to stop seeing your daughter because you don't feel like it? I know that you'd say, "Oh, that would never happen, she's my daughter." but I'm pretty sure that when you got married, you didn't anticipate not loving your wife. Did you know that second marriages fail more often than first marriages? This is because the spouses have already learned that if they don't like the relationship, there is an easy out.

Staying together in what seems like a failed marriage is not bad for the children if you don't allow the marriage to fail. You don't need to be fighting constantly. Fighting is a choice that you make because one or both of you is out of control. You really can agree not to argue. It's not teaching children to live a lie - it's teaching the child how to live in a less than perfect circumstance. When you go to work everyday, do you like everyone you work with? Probably not, but I bet you don't fight and bicker with that person constantly either - you work together to complete the job. Your job at home is to be a husband and a father. Her job is to be a wife and mother. If you concentrate on doing those things instead of worrying what the other person is doing or not doing, you can maintain a marriage and teach your daughter personal responsibility.

All that being said, if you do end your marriage, studies show that there is a higher risk of your daugher having a failed life particularly if she does not have a strong father in her life, and this is what will happen if you settle for every other weekend visitation and one dinner a week. That will allow your daughter to go 7 whole days without you as an influence. She will learn that fathers are not important, that men do not stand up to their responsibilities, and therefore they cannot be trusted. There are excellent shared parenting plans which can be incorporated so that each parent is with the child 50% of the time.

Visit the following site for some statistics re: divorce and custody, and excellent message boards for advice on what you can/should do, including one moderated by a family law attorney.


Sorry, I get the org part wrong... here is the correct link
www.deltabravo.net

Answer 3

I wouldn't stay in a marriage that is not healthy for any reason. It may seem like an honorable thing to do, but in reality the best thing to do for your children is to provide them with a happy home and an enviornment where they feel safe and secure. That can't be provided when mom and dad are at eachother's throats all the time. Marriage has nothing to do with the relationship between parent and child - that is it's own entity. Therefore, you are both equally needed in the child's relationship and both would be well suited for the child. Living arrangements and sharing custody should be decided upon what is least intrusive to the child. If staying with mom Moday thru Friday means that she will get to stay in the same home and go to the same school, keeping the same friends and continue the routine she has been accustomed to, would be the best thing for her. But dad time is just as importnat.

Answer 4

STaying together just for the child creates a hostile environment that the child will surely notice. Whether one parent is the better parent needs to be evaluated by people who know the family and the courts. If the marriage is over, it's over. Don't live a lie in front of your child. The child will learn to wind up in bad relationships. Separate if it's over but agree to maintain total respect for one another for sake of the child. You shouldn't be forced into anything.

Answer 5

That should not be the major reason to stay in a "failed marriage". The more important question is: do you still love your wife-if not have you done all you can do to save the marriage-sort outside help etc. Only when you have done all you can do, is it clear to leave a relationship. Remember a child could have just as much a happy life with separate households.

Answer 6

Its True what Piepiepie says, because how r u going to be with someone u don't love anymore or u just don't get along with. Even though your child is going to see her parents together, she is going to see them always fighting or arguing, and she is going to think that she has all the fault and that she is the reason why her parents are always in fights and sad. Its better if u talk with her and let her know how you both love her and that both of you r always going to be there for her. Remember that our kids r not responsible of our problems, they didn't ask to be born. I am talking by my personal experience, i have a boy of 3 years and i divorced last February(2006) and right now me and my ex-husband get along very well for the sakes of our child. My baby feels very secure and is growing very good because he is concern about how much Mommy and daddy loves him. I really wish u luck, and remember we adults divorce, but we don't divorce with our child's..

Answer 7

Whom ever can give her the attention and the care she needs, its would not be a good idea to stay in a bad marriage because of a child, you both can get joint custody that would probably be a better idea then fighting over her.

Answer 8

kids know it does not matter if you move back and make it look good she will still know

the best thing you can do is talk to her the both of you sit down and tell her its not her fault by this point since you have moved out she thinks its her fault TELL HER THE TRUTH always be open

make sure she understands that grown ups sometimes cant live together anymore
as for the situation do what my x and i did we moved in and out of the house and our son stayed

to save $$$ we ( the both of us) rented 1 apt just a 1 bedroom we split the rent and bills and on weekend i use to go to the apt and he stayed at our house that we split the bills on too and during the week i stayed at the house and he stayed at the apt
our son stayed in the house that he grew up in and same school

Answer 9

NO - THIS IS TO MY OPINION ONE BIG MISTAKE THAT MOST COUPLES MAKE - STAYING TO-GETHER IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS OR HAS GONE BAD . A CHILD DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A SITUATION LIKE THAT . ALSO , NO MATTER HOW YOUNG THE CHILD IS - THE CHILD CAN SENSE THAT MOM AND DAD
ARE REALLY NOT GETTING ALONG - GOD FORBID AN ARGUMENT TO TAKE PLACE BETWEEN MOM AND DAD IN PRESENCE OF THE CHILD . FURTHER , FOR THE SAKE OF YOURSELVES - IF IT IS NOT WORKING OUT - YOU NEED TO
GO YOUR WAYS FOR YOURSELVES AND THE CHILD . HOWEVER - A MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING TO RAISE - SUPPORT THE CHILD IS THE BEST AND MOST HEALTHY THING FOR ALL - NOT PUTTING THE CHILD TO A SITUATION OF CHOOSING OR BRAIN WASHING THE CHILD WITH IMAGES OF " mom is bad " OR "dad is bad "
BEING RESPONSIBLE PARENTS IS WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN A SITUATION LIKE YOURS - THE CHILD IS INNOCENT - REMEMBER THIS AS LIFE GOES ALONG
take care - hope things work out to the best of interest of your kid .

Answer 10

SEE your child. Stay out of the relationship! This "for the childs sake" nonsense is old. What are you teaching your child, by staying with a person you aren't in love with?? THINK!