I've only been married a little over 3 yrs to my husband.Before we started going out I knew he was a drinker.He called one night & said he would like to date me.Well I told him I liked him but would only see him if he quit drinking.He said he would, he didnt have a drinking problem.Well, I believe he does.It's a cycle with him. He will start by making excuses to drink.Like holidays,birthdays, then "it's summer".I say something to him about it,he quits for a couple weeks or so,then it starts again- more often.Every weekend, then during the week.Also he calls himself a "lazysexual".He's too lazy to have sex.His ex wife left him cause he didnt put out.He's not abusive to me or my son I just dont want to put up with a drunk .So, I'm thinking of leaving him & moving to Florida.I do still love him but I know he just can't stop drinking & start making love more.I have a son through another marriage who will be 18 in a few months so no guilt about that part.I will wait til he turns 18 though.
2007-01-09 18:26:04 · 25 answers · asked by lookin4answers 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have asked him to go to AA & he says he's not an alcoholic.I also have given him an ultimatim in the past & he did quit for a little while & of course picked it right back up.No he's not abusive when he drinks.But, he does stupid things (like giving away our PC,throwing his shirt into a fire,etc. ) and sometimes spends money we don't have to get drunk.He can't just have one or 2 beers he always has to get wasted.
Deep down I'm sure I should leave him but I'll be 40 yrs old in a couple of yrs & I'm affraid of starting over again.
Also he thinks I'm leaving him just to move to Florida.I just like Florida & dont have family here other than my son & he's joining the navy soon.
Thanks for e1's advice.
2007-01-09 18:58:32 · update #1
I think you should leave him and start a new and fabulous life in Florida. 40 is young! I was married to a drinker for 20 years, it affected every aspect in our lives:
- When we went out I always had to drive therefore not be able to enjoy myself.
- He argued with me when he had a few drinks.
- When my kids needed to be fetched for teenage parties he was always passed out on the couch and I had to do it. Even in crises he was never available.
- He went to the pub every single day after work before coming home and never helped with our 3 kids.
- There was nothing good about him when he was drinking.
Then when I was 44 I said he must stop drinking or I would leave. He didnt and I left and am now married to a wonderful man, he drinks socially a couple of drinks like me and we have such fun together. I feel very sorry for my ex'es girlfriend and what she has to put up with still, hes still at it! Even my kids hate to see him when he is drinking.
Leave now, you will be so glad you did and he wont change, believe me!
2007-01-09 19:24:43 · answer #1 · answered by jaygirl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-05-16 09:24:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I quit drink two years ago and joined the Pioneer Total Abstinence Association. You take a pledge to remain off drink for one year and after that for life - as a sacrifice to the Sacred Heart of Jesus (See www.pioneertotal.ie).
Two things your husband needs:
Firstly, he needs to see that he is a potential threat to you and the kids when he is drunk and that god forbid he should wake up one morning having hurt you - if he can't be concerned for your safety it's time to legitimise your doubts;
Secondly, he needs to ask the Sacred Heart for the grace to stop - a sincere and contrite plea will work.
So get a picture of the Sacred Heart and put it over the TV or fireplace and ask him to consider it, especially when he's drunk. Also get him to receive the Sacrament of the Sick. It can help immensely in giving restorative grace.
As for being a 'lazysexual', tell him that is the clearest way he could say he has more loyalty to the drink than you. Shane McGowan refers to 'The red haired lady by my side'....the whiskey bottle that is. And many an alcoholic ended his days with that lady by his side in a shitty bed-sit.
Tell him you love him for him and just want him to be with you, sharing life as a team, together.
I'll include you in my Rosary later on.....best of luck.
2007-01-09 23:46:20 · answer #3 · answered by Pope Sixtus the Seventh 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Alcoholism is very hard to be related to. You could try Alanon to see if having support of other spouses of drinkers helps you have a happy life while being married to a heavy drinker. It would at least help you get some clarity for you decision-making process around leaving and moving to Florida. Good luck!
2007-01-09 18:31:58 · answer #4 · answered by HomeSweetSiliconValley 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
FIRSTLY HE'S IN DENIAL. I'M AN ALCOHOLIC WHO'S BEEN OFF THE DRINK FOR 18 MONTHS NOW. THE TRUTH ABOUT A DRINKER IS THAT THEY WILL ONLY STOP FOR THEMSELVES, REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY RELATIONSHIPS/MARRAIGES THE ALCOHOL RUINS. I SHOULD KNOW. EXPLAIN HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT AND TELL HIM TO GET HELP, IF AFTER THIS HE STILL CARRIES ON GET RID OF HIM. CRUEL TO BE KIND, HE MIGHT NEED THIS AS A KICK UP THE BACK SIDE. LET'S NOT FORGET ITS A DISEASE WHICH YOU ARE BORN WITH UNLIKE OTHER ADDICTIONS SUCH AS HERION WHERE YOU BECOME AN ADDICT. AS FOR YOURSELF AS IVE SAID MAYBE LEAVING HIM WILL BRING IT HOME TO HIM AND FORCE HIM INTO ACTION, IF NOT HE DOESN'T WANT TO STOP. ITS THAT SIMPLE. ALL THE BEST. GOOD LUCK. A DRUNK
2007-01-09 20:23:02 · answer #5 · answered by The National Front Disco 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why dont u go to couple therapy with him. Or pick up a hobby with him like ballroom dancing or doing more things together so itll get his mind off of drinking. Also u have an advantage ur female. Put something sexy on for him or be spontaneous and be very sexual with him. Maybe buy a porno movie to get him into it. Even a lazy guy could get turned on by porno. What guy could resist that. You can also try sex therapy, look up places that do that.
2007-01-09 18:32:50 · answer #6 · answered by tragickingdom 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Whoa! His porn gazing is causing some severe themes. To me porn isn't a lot of an problem - yet i imagine i'd be offended and damage if correct after having sex, he became gazing porn and getting himself off. it is also an problem if he favours porn over the genuine problem with you. He became an fool to lie about those video clips! i'd say he did it so that you does not get dissatisfied, yet of route you recognize who appeared them up and that has basically made the priority one hundred circumstances worse. Are there deeper themes right here? Is your husband solid to you? Does he praise you? Does he provide for you? Does he make you experience particular? i imagine you seeing a therapist is a step interior the right route, they are going to manage to seem on the priority objectively. solid success!
2016-10-17 00:37:27 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Alcoholics commonly 'don't have a problem' but boy those who know [& love] them do!
Like most he'll need to hit rock bottom before he wakes up, he wont change unless forced to.
So the hardest thing you need to do IS leave, it will be the most loving thing you can do.
Think Liver damage, Alcohol Related Brain Damage, accidents & god knows what else.
Good luck, if you use tough love you may both win.
2007-01-09 18:55:21 · answer #8 · answered by bejay 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would sit down with him and explain that his drinking is taking a serious toll on the relationship, and that it is effecting your life.
It sounds like he needs to make an honest decision and choice between you and a family lifestyle or his bevies.
Propose a serous choice - You can only drink on........ and we work on spending more 'quality' time together OR I am sorry but your excessive drinking effects our relationship so i will leave.
It really should be an easy choice for him to make! If not, sadly you might be better off walking away.
2007-01-09 18:37:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Leaving him sounds like a good idea. Let him give all his excuses to someone else-pretty soon, he'll miss the sex, but will probably end up making love to the bottle every night.
2007-01-09 18:31:37 · answer #10 · answered by Little Jeannie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋