a few days a go an aquaintance of mine killed himself. It was really out of the blue. Very unexpected.?

Question

I am having problems telling my children about it. They go to school with the children whose dad did this and they know he "killed himself" as my son has been eaves dropping but they dont know what that means. The family told the children it was suicide and I did not agree as it increases their own risk of self harm. The question is how do I approach this with my children? My son has been giving more hugs than usual and my daughter has been acting up. In the last few days she has become quite violent and does not like us visiting the family's house as she says it makes her sad. My children are 4 and 6. And up to now very sheltered. We all went to the funeral but the kids left early because they became bored. Any light on this particular issue? I also feel quite bad because I never saw it coming and I have a degree in psychology. I actually gave up client contact soem time ago because of this topic.

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear about your aquaintance. Suicide certainly is tough to talk about- and even more so with children.

I think maybe a call to their pediatrician could help. I found when we lost a couple of family members when our daughters were young that the dr. was a huge help to us. She explained how at their particuliar ages and development, most kids saw and related to issues of death, etc. I also spoke to the school counselor, and was given advise relative to their age. I found both to big help, and eager to offer assistance. Since the children of your aquaintance attend the same school, I would think the school counselors may already be prepared for some possible questions from parents.

Answer 2

I am very sorry to hear about your friend.

It is natural to partly blame yourself. As you were emotionally attatched to this person, it would have blurred your judgement, we never see the obvious when it involves those closest to us. Also, if he had let you see any signs, you may of stopped him, he obviously did not want that because he succeeded in his suicide.

I understand your desire to shelter your children from the harshness of life, but this will do them no favours when they are older as they will be ill equipt to deal with certain situations and they will not be able to assess hazardous people or situations very well as they will not see that they are hazardous. Suicide, as with many things, is a fact of life. Tell them and move on. Your children can sense that there is much sadness in you and around them, they are reacting to this because they are confused, confused because there has been no explanation. You do not have to go into explicit detail, just tell them your friend has died and it makes you sad. Tell them you are needed by your late friends family as they are sad too. If your children do not want to go to the families house, do not take them. For children life is black and white, yesterday mummies friend died, today is jelly and ice cream day. Children accept life far better then adults, they move on very quickly. As children are ego centric, they want everyone else to move on with them, hence the boredom at the funeral, it is like, okay, he is buried, can we go home now? As for the children of your late friend, they also need to know what happened to their dad, the worse thing you can do to a child is lie, even if you think it is for their own good. Deliver the facts, then listen whenever they feel the need to talk.

I feel very sorry for you at this time, try to make time for your own grief too.

Answer 3

Its normal, usually pre-7, for a child to fear his/her parents' death and by age 7 has accepted same. Pre-7, the child doesnt feel he/she can literally survive w/o parents.
Consider your children unable to process your death.
Consider your children sympathetic, not empathetic, with the other children and given to acting out in the face of not knowing what else to do.
The children have been told a "how" of the man's death. They have not been told a "why". Who does know "why", with the exception of opinion? "Why" is a child's most frequent question in his/her attempt to understand the world. I do believe your children know the concept of "kill".
Max Lucado has written a well-herald book for children on the topic of death, expressed in terms of a leaf.
On the issue of suicide is a strong genetic predisposition. Beyond this, with the children, now added along with accident, illness, etc. in the ending of a life, is the disturbing concept of "choice".
I hear people say, in retrospect, that the victim gave clues pointing to suicide, but I personally have never heard anyone who did "see it coming".
I am very sorry for this loss of life and for everyone affected by it.

Answer 4

There is never a hard and fast way to determine when someone wants to top their selves, dont knock yourself on it and do not dwell on it. The more YOU do the more your kids will see it.
I was badly burnt some years ago and the hospital said I would suffer from depression. I was OK until a geriatric, hitlerian security person at the UK DSS started up and that started my depression.
It MAY be predictable, however just tell your kids he was not very well and that will be that, they are more resilent than you realise.

Answer 5

First off, this IS NOT your fault. Having a degree yourself, you know guilt is a natural reaction. Do not blame yourself. This poor man couldn't handle his battles and wasn't able to ask for help. We can only do so much. I know from experience losing someone very dear to me this way, when someone really wants to die, there's very little you can do to help them. It's a state of mind where dieing is the only logical answer left.

As for the we-uns. They're scared and confused. Death is something we all fear and at their ages, they are forced to face it very close to home. As their mom, you have to be there to help them through this very strange time. In the end, they'll come out better for it. They'll be more understanding to what death is and more compassionate people. It sounds like your son wants to talk about but is scared to. Hugs-a-plenty and a comfortable atmosphere will help him get over this. As for your daughter, there's the possibility she blames herself. You may not see the connection but she may have made one to this man's death. At such a young age, this really will make out to be a turning point for her life. I hope this helps a little bit. Good Luck.

Answer 6

its better to be honest as kids always know when something is not right and this makes them feel insecure (extra hugging), you know your kids best so just explain that the man was very very sad and thought he couldnt be happy again so decided he wanted to go to heaven, but not to worry because YOU could never be that sad when you have two lovely children to cheer you up!....good luck

Answer 7

be honest with them, tell them what you feel is necessary for them to understand the situation. you can only shelter someone so much but eventually they will learn about things, and unfortunately then usually the hard way. so even though they are younger they probably understand the concept of death so just be honest with them, don't forget they are people to and don't want to be lied to anymore than the next person

Answer 8

BE STRAIGHT FORWARD WITH YOUR KIDS. SHELTERING DOES MORE HARM THAN GOOD TO THE SIMPLE FACT THAT LIFE ISN'T MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD NO MORE. KIDS THESE DAYS NEED INFORMATION IN/AND ABOUT THE'LIFE' ASPECT SOONER THE MORE BETTER THERE OFF. SURE YOU CAN SHELTER THEM IN HARMS WAY,SUCH AS STRANGERS, BUT EVERYDAY EVENTS THAT A PERSON MUST DUE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE THIS BIG BAD WORLD IS BETTER LAID ON THE TABLE THAN THROWN IN THE ATTIC AND LEFT THERE TO BE DISCOVERED WHEN THERE IN COLLEGE OR OUT ON THERE OWN. YOU MUST TEACH STRENGTH IN MIND,BODY AND SOUL. AND DON'T FORCE YOUR DAUGHTER TO GO TO THERE HOUSE IF IT MAKES HER SAD LET HER GO/BE WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T TAKE HER TO A DEPRESSION LEVEL OF BEING UNCOMFORTABLE FOR HER. THAT'S PROBABLY WHY SHE'S ACTING THE WAY SHE IS. ALL KIDS DEAL WITH DEATH IN DIFFERENT WAYS YOU NEED TO LET HER KNOW IT'S O.K. TO FEEL SAD BUT IN THE SAME NOTE RESPECT HER WISHES AND LET HER KNOW WHY YOUR GOING OVER THERE TO CONVEY SORROW TO FRIENDS AND TO HELP THEM IN DEALING WITH THERE FATHERS DEATH.

Answer 9

well, you hold a degree of psychology sure you know how to do it. It is like a plant has to be watered, take off weeds around it, cultivate. Words therapy i think would help and keep your children busy and do not talk about it let it pass. Face your fear or your fear will get you isolated.