We have since divorced and I have remarried, and he has a new partner and baby. When we were newly separated he denied his violence ever occurred, and stormed out of counselling sessions when confronted, shouting that women were ganging up on him.
His violence and controlling behaviour was not just a one-off, it was years of systematic controlling, isolating, bullying and verbal and physical abuse.
Do people turn over a new leaf? He comes across as a nice guy who has been wronged. He is a music teacher, clean-living, no drugs or alcohol, but tends to cut off those who have, in his eyes, 'wronged' him. At times I have wondered if it was either a dream or if I somehow caused his behaviour. I never fought back, tried everything to keep the peace. Happily for me, I have now found a good, honest, happy life.
I'm really worried about his new lady. She's very sweet and I couldn't interfere, but just wonder if people like him really change. Should I be ready to catch her?
2007-01-09 15:59:39 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Be glad that you have moved on and left him behind, sounds like you made the wise choice. No, jerks like him never change. Especially if his behavior is based on his past as a child, or if the male role models in his life back then were like that too. I don't believe the new leaf theory. I think once the newness wears off and he thinks no one is watching him anymore he'll start to slip up again. There maybe a 1% chance that she may have changed him, then again 99% of me doesn't believe that. Unless he's had some serious counseling and is no longer in a state of denial, no, he is not better. As long as his new lady understands his past and has agreed to marry him knowing that; that's her problem now. I know that sounds heartless, but you need to just move on and try not to save the world. I wouldn't go through it again, even as a second person in the picture; it's not healthy. You really need to focus on your new exciting life and be thankful that you got out and found someone and are happy. That's what should be important. Good luck!
2007-01-09 16:12:35 · answer #1 · answered by daff73 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Without a doubt, yes. However, it's also in the Bible comparison to writings on habit*itual sin (chronic dishonest while being aware) w/unhealthy verbalized pride and some of information here is incorrect though I think, maybe you could ponder it, I've already read quite a bit prompted by observation. Another point is that most of the personality disorders have many *chosen* (oh, I'm going to get whopped for this one) traits that are identical so now what, see? Not everyone knows what that word means anyways, understand? Call it learned behavior, well could be and it could also be called accepted behavior. Someone told me a person will not change the way they relate while the topic was the older generation. Now, I heard this from someone closer to my age, then of course what comes to my mind is this is not fair to the younger generation for our minds/hearts to close up shop per say because they have not been afforded a reason to change (not sure I agree with that one). See, this coincides with "spirituality" when there is a passion to destroy others by misrepresenting what it means to be a leader. I have decided that it's sort of cuss word anyways especially if a person has zero idea what you are talking about in the first place because they did not read as much, as if anyone should be insulted for reading but it happens. Ever been in an arguement about reading and education? It's quite mind boggling, lol. Blah blah blah blah.
2016-05-23 02:00:50 · answer #2 · answered by Carmen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The operative part of Your description of Him is "Ex". You have a new life, so LIVE it. If You start to interfere with Him now You with invariably become, once more, a part of His life. Do You want that? If He is going to change He will, He won't then it just isn't going to happen, is it? Sorry if I sound a little harsh with regards His new lady but I have seen too many women make the same mistake that You are about to.
2007-01-09 16:21:35 · answer #3 · answered by Ashleigh 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People never change, for the good or the bad. They live the way they were born. Giving, getting, controling, needy, etc...
If I were you, I'd let it all go. You're happy !?!?! Let him and whoever he see's , be. She won't believe you and he'll run his act, again...after all he's never wrong, he's never done anything bad, the whole world is against him ( and nothing YOU say will cancel out what he says or does, you are the ex, and you may have it in for him...or thats what he's going to say.)
I know you probably want to head her off at the pass, but don't do it. She's an adult and can take care of herself. Just let it all go, live YOUR life and don't worry about anyone, but those you care about....(family, friends, etc...)
remember...what goes around, comes around and one day it'll come around to him...payback can be a bi**h...
2007-01-09 16:09:58 · answer #4 · answered by Chrys 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She is not your responsibility. Presumably she has friends and family to help her. I would stay away from all this, it's not your problem anymore.
Narcissism is very hard to cure because narcissists don't see themselves as having a problem. Unless he has had therapy, he probably hasn't changed. I assume that when he was with you, he also seemed like a good guy to others, so he's just doing it again.
Be glad you escaped. Don't deny your memories of abuse. You may need help to get past them, because it seems like you're still caught up in this guy's drama. She'll learn about him soon enough without you.
2007-01-09 18:05:46 · answer #5 · answered by Katherine W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let him go. Don't even try to stay in the picture enough to ponder making a difference. Trying will only demean you.
He has moved on, you have to let go of what you can't change.
If he has an extreme desire to change, there is that possibility, but you won't be part of it.
You sound like a fixer, and it bothers you that he is still broken.
He may well be broken for the rest of his life, and there's not a thing you can do about it....
Pray for him to get better, but keep yourself out of the equation.
2007-01-09 16:09:57 · answer #6 · answered by Lt. Dan reborn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
People can change. People who want to change are more likely to do so. People cannot fix problems like the ones your ex had without help from professionals. No matter how badly someone may want to solve a problem like that, it cannot be done without help. You are not responsible for his new lady. She is grown and will learn on her own and no matter what may happen with them you need to stay as far away as possible. Next time your with a man like that you need to report him to the police so it is on his record though and then he wouldn't be allowed to teach children and influence them.
2007-01-09 16:10:00 · answer #7 · answered by freakyallweeky 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think everybody can change, but only if they know they need to change and only if they have the will to change.... The only way he can change is if someone makes him see what kind of person he really is and make him understand his behavior is not right and must change... After that, if he understands he must change, support him into changing his life, and helping him... All this is very hard and takes a lot of time and patience, I am sure not every person is willing to try it... but nothing is impossible
2007-01-09 16:06:15 · answer #8 · answered by CRA 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
These people do not change. They like to push people's buttons- it's what they are good at.
I know some people like that. They take pride in playing people like musical instruments. When they don't want to cooperate- of course he is going to cut himself off from them- the jig is up and they are no longer fun to play with.
He only wants to associate with people he can control. If he can't control you (and it looks like that is now the case) he doesn't want you. You are a reminder to him that he doesn't have the power he once had in you.
He will do it to the new woman too. slowly he will cut her off from everyone she knows, and then cut her off at the knees so she is emotionally and financially dependent upon him.
Then he can play with her as long as he likes.
2007-01-09 16:07:53 · answer #9 · answered by There you are∫ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not a chance. He's the same, trust me. I've seen his kind. Pray for his new lady. He's likely just putting on a show to put doubt in your mind and appease his own twisted self-perception. Keep your distance.
2007-01-09 16:02:56 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋