Am I wrong to tell my stepdaughters mother to stop contacting her?

Question

I have an eleven year old stepdaughter.She came to live with us after being abused by her grandpa(mothers father). We went to court for custody(she was in fostercare) and had to do a million things to get her while her mother did NOTHING. She has lived with us for two years now and has seen her mother only once..because we took her to see her mother. Shes never paid child support even though she has been court ordered to and has never taken us to court for visition. She calls every so often and then promises to call and never does. She doesnt call for birthdays or even to wish a merry christmas. My stepdaughter gets very depressed when she says she will do something or call and then never does and it last for a few weeks and then shes seems fine again for a few months until her mom does the sh*t again. so last time she called I answered the phone and told her to stop calling her and explained that she was hurting her and how she gets really depressed afterwards. Am I right for doing it

just to give some more info...her mother was abused by the grandfather also but still let her go live with him. Then she got married and had 4 more kids. We didnt even know my stepdaughter was in fostercare until we went to get her for a visit and the grandpa said she was at a friends for the weekend...two weks later DCF contacted us and informed us of what had happened. Now I told her mother to stop contacting her over a month ago and had all phones and cell phone # changed because of harrassment from her friends. We have not recived a damn thing in the mail nor from the courts its like she doesnt give a damn. My husband feels the same way and is still very angry that they allowed her to go to foster care rather then tell DCF how to get a hold of him...thats why we had to go through hell to get custody of her!!

Answer 1

I would take this matter to a lawyer, which you probably already have one, and see if you can get full custody with no visitation or contact rights, due to mental cruelty.
What does your husband think about you adopting her? This would cure the problem and from what it sounds like, the mother wouldn't do anything about it and you can claim mental cruelty as the reason.
My sister is going through the same thing with her granddaughter. She got custody of her when she was in foster care and my sisters daughter would call and say that she is coming over and then never come over, or say she would call her and then never do. The child is pretty screwed up because of it and everytime I call my sister, her graddaughter asks if that is her mommy (she is only 4 years old).
Have you talked to your husband about what has been going on? He might be able to tell the ex-wife to stay away and not too call and get the point accross. If you both agree that she shouldn't call or have visitation rights, you really need to see a lawyer and have it legalized, that way you have covered your *** in case she wants to make a big deal about it.
Since your step daughter is 11 years old, you and your husband should also sit down with her and ask what she would like to happen. You may explain that you love and care about her and seeing her all depressed for weeks after the phone calls, makes you upset and if she was ok with it, you are going to have her not call until she can prove that she is going to do what she says she is going to do and be more responsible.
If you and your husband decide that you would like to adopt her so you will be listed as her mother and not step mother, then you also need to talk to her about it before hand and get her opinion.
Sorry for the crap that you have to deal with, but if you love the child, which it sounds like you do, then she is worth doing everything that you can too show it and protect her.
You are doing a great job.

Answer 2

At eleven years old You need to set your daughter down and tell her it is nothing that she has done to cause what is going own.And explain to her what kind of person her mom is and...And let her no that her mothers mind is not working right or able to make good decisions right now and that you don't no the reason why. Make her understand that if her mom tells her something not to count own it unless she shows up..Put some pride back into her. It is hard to say good things about someone but for your daughter you have to because she is dealing with alot her self. Tell her the truth about her mom. Her mom is messed up and isn't thinking right. That is her mom and no one can ever change it...But by letting her no the truth about every thing will set her and your family free...And please let her no that what her grand father done to her every grandfather is not like that...Maybe that is why her mother is so messed up maybe the same thing happen to her...That will mess your world up...God bless your situation and I will pray for you and Your daughter trust in your heart to do the right things....some canceling would do her some good..

Answer 3

God bless you for taking such good care of this poor child! You are an angel from heaven. I don't blame you at all for telling that woman off... I'm sure there's a better way to have handled it, but thank you for protecting this poor kid. Keep up the good work! Let your stepdaughter know that SHE is the one who should be in charge of communicating with her mom or not. She can send her mom cards, letters, phone calls - but not the other way around. Allow her to have control over this situation... not her mother.

Answer 4

You may be right in what you did, but there may be more that you need to say. Children don't understand that the thing that's wrong is with Mom, they thing the thing that is wrong is inside of themselves. Oftentimes they mistake their mother's dysfunctional personality for some type of shortcoming of their own that causes their mother not to love them. Her mother can't deal maturely with her daughter's need for her. But she is like every child and feels this need intensely. I think that you need to tell her that it's an unfortunate thing when this important relationshhip does not work right for the child. Tell her that her mother is broken inside in a way that makes her unable to be a dependable mother. But tell her that with your help she (child) will grow into a strong and dependable young woman. Now I say this if you really intend to give her the kind of support and care she needs, but from what you say I believe you must surely love her. I will pray very much for you both.

Answer 5

Yes what alot of dead beats don't understand that being a parent is a 24 hour 365 days a year job wheather we feel like it or not. I had the same situation with my kids father and yes i did the same you can't keep letting this women hurt you kid. that is all that she is doing you are the responiable parent. This women can do your child no good comming and going as she has been allowed to do Protect your child it is your job....

Answer 6

Obviously your stepdaughter still has feelings for her mother. And if you are going to forbid any contact between them, then you will probably end up being the bad woman in the eyes of your stepdaughter and her mother.

It's better to have some love than no love at all. There is still some love between your stepdaughter and her mother. And if you break that imperfect love which remains between them, then perhaps you will do more harm than good for your stepdaughter.

Answer 7

Yes I would of done the same. The mother seems to be do nothing but hurting her. Its in the best interest for her..what does the father say about all this? Hasnt he said anything to her mother?

Answer 8

Thats a hard one but yes, I think you are doing the best thing as you are acting in the best interests of the girl. You have my upmost respect for this.
The girl will grow up and realise who did the groundwork in her upbringing even if she doesn't now through lack of maturity - my step mum was more of a dad to me when married to my father, so much so that she is invited for christmasevery year to my real mums and he isn't! He never treated us badly but at the same time he didn't care which is just as bad, it was her who taught me and my brothers respect and honesty.

Answer 9

we must think of the child first. what is best for her. ( i personally think you are right though) if it is continuing to depress the girl then it is probably the right decision. what does the dad say about it? i hope he is not one of those dads who got custody and then left it up to the step-mama to raise the child?
parents are and should be part of the child's life--if they are not harming the child. which she obviously is.
i feel sorry for the girl, she is at the age she needs her mom the most--so i guess, since you got rid of the biological mom--you are going to have to be the mom thats there for her at every turn.
good luck

Answer 10

You are only looking out for her. Right or wrong you are doing what you feel. Just do not try to keep them apart or she might not like you. Just kep explaining that people are how they are and she needs to accept this. She needs to quit getting hurt and learn how her mother is.