My husband thinks I am being unreasonable?

Question

that I get upset because his 21 year-old daughter and her boyfriend cannot keep a job because they only go for jobs that are above their skill levels and then they get fired after the first week. I am tired of having bill collectors call here for them and they will only apply for jobs online insead of going out to apply for jobs. I'm also tired of getting up in the morning (I work graveyards) and the house is a mess because they can't be bothered to clean up after themselves and then they get upset because I say something. This is really putting a strain on our marriage.

My Step-daughter is a student but she only takes a couple of hours of classes a day. There is no reason she cannot get a job after her college classes are out for the day. Her b/f lives here because his own parents got tired of the same thing and kicked him out.

Answer 1

I can see your frustration. I think you need to tell your husband that you don't appreciate his response to your concerns. Let him know that you would expect his (and your) daughter to help clean up after themselves, or that he can start picking up after them instead. If he won't accept that proposal, then tell him you will be charging them a "cleaning" fee.

Answer 2

Hello =)

Well,....

While the temptation to be the evil stepmother might be very great indeed in this situation.......

You don't have that right...

I would have this conversation with your husband:

"Look, I'm tired of yelling and complaining about your daughter and her boyfriend. I am tired when I come home from work. They don't clean up after themselves, and from now on, I'm not going to do it either." And leave it at that....

When he sees the living room and kitchen 2 ft deep in trash, he'll have to have some response, eventually. If he approaches you about it, stick to the above statement. Eventually, he will see that it is their fault, and not yours. Keep the areas of the house that are your responsibility clean, however, like your bedroom, and (do you have a live-in son??) the laundry and so forth done.....

If it gets really bad, start getting take-out food and eating in the bedroom, if you must....Eventually, he will make them toe the line on that issue.

As far as them getting jobs...well....you may just have to wait until they grow up a little more.....I had to wait until my stepson was 24...but he did, and when he left home, he never asked me for money again.....

Namaste,

--Tom

Answer 3

Your daughter and her boyfriend are adults and should start acting as such. If they cannot be bothered to seek and maintain employment even if it is only part-time, (there is no shame in fastfood - it pays the bills like any other job) and do their part, why should you and your spouse take care of them.

By letting them mooch in YOUR home, using YOUR utilities, and eating YOUR food, you are only enabling them and in the long run is not helping them.

Legally, you and your spouse are only responsible for your children until the age of 18. If she and her boyfriend plan on using mom and dad because they don't want to deal with reality, why should you and your spouse allow yourselves to be used.

I say if their attitude and actions do not change, kick them out.
Eating daily and having a roof over their head will be a great motivator.Granted, this may upset them but in the long run it will be good for them and you only want what is best for your child.

Actually, you may want to suggest that they stay at her boyfriends parents for a while and offer to help them move.
Funny how they aren't staying at his house.

Answer 4

Kick the step daughter's b/f out and inform your step daughter and husband if they don't like it, they are free to follow him out of the door. Then tell you step daughter she saw what you did with her b/f and either she gets a job and starts paying her way around here or she will be kicked out too. As for the hubby, tell him you're not going anywhere, you work for a living and pay your way in the world and if he has a problem with that, he knows where the door is at.

Answer 5

Hi there !!!

Wow, what a pickle !!!!

I would have a heartfelt conversation with the hubby. Try to speak without judging or being nasty. just express your feelings, don't say that they do this or that , you will only make him defensive.

You definitly have to sit down with hubby and both of you need to begin some ground rules in your home. They are your guests, both of them, so they have to go by some rules, they can not just live like they own the place. Get your hubby to help you talk to them about the changes, and if they don;t like em, well the door is wide open.

I would be very clear and firm with the hubby, but remember he is your other half, your partner, not the enemy. Do not chastize him for what they do.

He must be uspset as well. Honey it is not what we say, but how we say it many times that counts. Be loving with him, let him know you are on his side.

love light and peace

Answer 6

oh dear. hon, these children are adults and must be treated as one. kick them out and let them come to realize that they should be smarter about the jobs they choose. i left home around 19 and had a full time job. life is hard, but it's what you do with it that counts. and another thing - YOUR HOUSE IS YOUR HOUSE. YOU ARE THE ADULT AND IF THESE CHILDREN ARE GOING TO LIVE THERE, YOU ARE TO MAKE SET RULES FOR THEM TO PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES!! if they want to be treated as children, take all of their stuff that they leave out, put it in black trash bags and set them on the doorstep. this is how my brother and i were raised and it was in a military household.

as far as your husband goes, he needs to understand that you both as the parents are not to be taken advantage of. yes, you are helping family, but at what cost? you are not being unreasonable by putting your foot down and if he doesn't understand it - let the house fill up with their **** and see what he says about it. if he thinks you're being unreasonable, perhaps he should be a man and act like an adult rather than a wuss.

i'm sorry for ranting on like this, but it's things like this that really piss me off. college should come first before jobs. once they get their education, they will have a possible future. my advice, kick them out and tell your husband that he is the one being unreasonable.

Answer 7

Ryan's Mom, you are not being unreasonable at all in my opinion. If they are 21 years old and causing havoc in your house and relationship then it is probably time that they moved on and found a place to live independently. There are plenty of social service agencies available in all communities that would be more than willing to help them get on their feet. But the thing is they will have to go to these places as they are not going to come to them. A good tete-a-tete with your man sounds like it is in order. Put all your cards on the table and keep a cool head. Speak in a open minded and honest manner to your husband and inform him of how you are feeling used and abused by these lazy hanger-ons. Best of luck in trying to resolve this situation to a happy conclusion.

Answer 8

Its hard I have 20 year old son,,talk to your husband,, Sit everyone down at once and be calm. Sit some rules,,Tell him to answer phone or clean up after them..I hate coming in from working 12-8 having the house trashed,,i just put all my kids stuff in a box and put it away most of the time he doesnt miss it. I give a warning if it goes in the box,its mine..good luck

Answer 9

You are tired of all the sh**. I fully understand. Its time to tell them ALL to shape up or ship out.
These people are adults in your house using and being abusive to your own house rules.
Tell them its time to get on with there "Life" somewhere else.
If the husband won't agree to stopping this outrageous BS, then maybe you'll have to mention the "D" word to him. Get your life back and under control before its too late.

Answer 10

If his daughter is 21 years old it's time to kick them out of the nest. Just look at birds and how they do just that. The adult birds shove them right out if they won't leave on their own.