What do you do when you find out your wife had an affair 10 years ago when you were first married?

Question

When we were first married and I graduated from collage I worked off in another town. Both of us had jobs and a house so I just rented an apartment in the town I was working in for 2 years and came home on the weekends. We were 23 and 24 and had only been married for a year. This was because she liked her job and we planed on her keeping it until we sold the house so she could move down with me. Now during this time she told me there was an older man who would come in an flirt with her. I knew she thought he was good looking and she would talk about him sometimes but I did not think anything was going on. Now the other day we were talking about our sex fantasies. We have talked about her being with someone else during sex but it was always just that fanatics and we were clear on that. So she tell me that she has something to tell me if I promise not get upset about it. She proceeds to tell me this guy came over one day during that time and they had sex. I was shocked. She stepped through what happened. She brought up things like her first thought when he showed up was that this was not a good time for this because she had been late one talking the pill a few times that month. And when I ask her what she was thinking as things went along she said at first she was scared but then got so horny she did not care. All the details and the things she said I feel were real. You do not explain made up things like she explained this. After she finished she saw that I was upset not happy about this and then has gone back and forth saying she made it up and then it really happened. I feel that it is true. A lot of things fell into place with what was going on back then. What should I do? We now have 3 kids. To my knowledge she has not done anything like this again.

Answer 1

I say let it go if you can, after all it has been 10 years and 3 children later. If you are hurting seek counseling. You will have some trust issues now also, so be prepared to deal with tears, anger and more. Good luck, but you can make it through this, this is only a rough patch in your marriage now, and believe me, infidelities can be worked through if you really love and respect each other.

Answer 2

10 years is a long time that she has been keeping a secret. People confess because it makes them feel better and takes a weight off their shoulders. You can forgive, but never forget. Have you done something you need to confess? Now's the time. If not, work thru this together, for God's sake, you two were young, dumb, and apart. Now you have 3 kids and if you love each other, you can work thru it. It will take you about a year to get past the grieving, the hurt, the anger. It depends on your relationship and how close you two are NOW. It also depends on if she feels any remorse, or not? If not, she may do it again. I would tell her that you will try to get past it, and work through it, but it's only because it was a very long time ago. If it was only sex - that's forgivable - falling in love is different. The worst things you could do is 1) get revenge - two wrongs don't make a right and 2) throw it up in her face when you can. Be mature about this (because she wasn't).

Answer 3

I think you both should sit down and read in the Bible, I Corinthians 13 "The Love Chapter" where it says love is patient and kind and seeks not its own way at the expense of others. It isn't proud, boastful or envious. It is such that if you have this kind of love, you will gladly give your life to save the life of the other. Above all, love always believes the positive. If you both have this kind of love, then forgiveness will rule your situation. No doubt she has felt guilty about it for quite some time and had to unburden herself to you. The ball is in your court, sort of speaking. Are you willing to forgive her, or are you going to tear your family apart with a divorce? Think of your kids. They need both parents together to raise them. I also suggest that you find a Bible believing church where there is a couples ministry who can help you, as well as maybe go to the pastor for counseling if you can't resolve it on your own. Also know this, that you have taken the first step toward healing and that it is only the first step. It is a long process to regain trust, etc., but remember that the trip of 1,000 miles begins with the first step. Don't stop now.

Answer 4

You know what? The truth is that people like sex. Getting married doesn't mean you'll never mess around or never want another person. Toss out societal morality and we are all animals driven by hormones.

However, her act could have killed you though (AIDS/etc). If she is sorry and won't do it again, it's cheaper to keep her. That said, I recommend counseling for both of you.

PS. Of course, you do know this puts you in a great position for a threesome request (two girls of course).

Good luck,

Brother Crash

Answer 5

Wow you can either forgive her or divorce her.....that's all you can do. Man that's why it's not good to be separated from your spouse!!! Anything could happen if one person is weak!!!! You guys should have made that sacrifice and stayed together when you were first married!!!! Good luck...You guys should go to counseling too.

Answer 6

If everyrthing else has been good, then let it go. If you aren't able to let it go then it will ruin your relationship ....so you need to either really, really let it go, or get a divorce.

Answer 7

I would ask her how many other men has she been with since then.

Answer 8

I have no wife.