My husband and I are separated and he was cheating for over a year. Our 14 year old has been having a hard time dealing with things. She has an attitude now with her father and yelled at her grandmother for defending him. She has been an emotional wreck.
She has been doing poorly in school and has flunked a few classes. Now, I found out that she has been sneaking around with a boy who is almost 18. Her friends mom also said that she was smoking pot with her friend.
We have punished her, but I am wondering if having her father back would help her, or hurt her. We are constantly tense and argue when we are together. I just don't know if I can control her on my own.
2007-01-09 06:17:28 · 12 answers · asked by blue eyes 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
oh...poor you - stuck between a rock and a hard place. dont have the father back if you dont love or trust him...you must be happy yourself, in your heart...to make the family work well.
you can 'control' your daughter on your own..believe me you can. dont punish her..listen to her - she is at the tender teenage years where life is confusing anyway..let alone coping with family troubles.
she must be a bit confused - all of the people she loves dearly...all falling out with eachother - maybe she doesnt know how to cope - she is very young...how would she know how to re-act?
if she likes a lad thats slightly older...invite him round for dinner. if you forbid the relationship - she will see him anyway if she wants to....and you will be on the 'outside'! make him welcome...that will probably make her happy - and at the end of the day - isnt that your goal - her happiness?
forget what somebody told you about smoking 'pot'...no big deal!! - dont we all try things we arent supposed to??
finally ( sorry this is a long answer) - NOTHING in the world can come between the love of a mother and her child...its nature - you can handle this crisis lady...and you will look back one day and say 'I DID IT'!! good luck to you and your daughter.
remember..having a baby is the best thing ever you will do in your life...its a special gift...and its a life long gift...we dont discard it because there are a few upsets every now and again.
p.s....i hope that your daughter makes it up with her grandma...because the love of a grandparent is such an important thing in life...they love unconditionally!!
p.p.s...readers...SO sorry this is a long one!! - just have been there...and survived to tell the tale!! - happy new year to all!!
2007-01-09 06:46:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I commend you for all of the responsibilities you've been dealt at such a young age and how you are handling them. You and your sister have gone through a very difficult time. Constantly remind her that you love her and be accepting of her. The 2 people who accepted her and loved her the most are now gone so she needs that. You are really going to grow from this situation because even though you may be hurting too, you are being put in the position of being the provider, being the strong one and of course the guardian. She is going to have sex if she wants to no matter how many constraints you put on her and that may cause her to be even more sneaky. (speaking from experience here). I think it's great for you and your girlfriend to be involved. She needs someone to confide in who cares about her and who can set a good example. Try planned parenthood for birth control. They will explain the risks of unprotected sex to her too. You are doing all you can do. Be open with her- judging her and coming down on her will only turn her away though. 14 is a tricky age. Try to see her side and then state yours. If she sees you are listening and trying to see her point of view and reasons for what she is doing and respecting her, she is more likely to hear you out and respect your views as well. At 14, even though I feel you are 100% right, being closed minded will be a turn off to her. ACT like you understand her view if you have to. It's actually a really great thing that she even spoke out about having sex. Most at that age keep it a secret.
2016-05-22 23:22:08 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Family counseling is a great option... even "broken" families will benefit with the right guidance! Even if you & the father don't get together you both need to have the same rules & set of consiquences for her actions. You could also try weekly drug testing!?
Try not to speak badly of each other (you & the father) ever, & especially NOT in her(your daughters) presence. I think with proper & appropriate disipline form both of you, things will get better. She may also see that the 2 of you work better as a team apart & become more accepting of this difficult situation. I pesonally do not believe in Divorce ( I mean, I know it happens, but I think it is wrong...Just another way for people to get out of too much responsibility - except when it comes to abuse!) Some great books that have deeply help me with my understanding of marriage & family are: Boundries by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend & The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace... Even if you just read them & throw them away, just check them out.
2007-01-10 05:32:17 · answer #3 · answered by Boppysgirl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you put the father back and you guys are going to be arguing all the time what good is that for her? She needs some kind of stable support. Talk to the dad and come to an agreement try to get along for your daughter's sake.
2007-01-09 06:23:18 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it'll only confuse her if you take her dad back and it doesn't really sound as though this is what either of you want.. if i were you when she's in one of her better moods and just sat around i'd tell her that she wasnt the only one hurt and by being like she is it doesnt help anyone.. im 16 and i know if my parents split id be upset but to be truthful we have a lot more things to get moody about and a lot more reasons to do stupid stuff.. so dont blame yourself or her dad.. tell her to grow up and stop being such an attention seeking moody drama queen x
2007-01-09 06:24:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well i think bringing the father back wouldn't be a good idea yet if she already yelled at him and the grandmother for defending him....just talk to her let her know that u love her explaing to her why smoking is bad for her health and why her eduaction is important if doing good and becoming successful in the future seems like its a good motivation to "show her dad" that she didn't need him to do good u know wat i mean? maybe her and her dad were close thats why shes having a hard time...just talk to her...heart to heart.....listen to wat shes feeling let her tell u wat her opinions are and about the boys....i mean..shes gonna have a bf soon or later and even though u hate his guts ..make sure u "like" him pretend atleast cause than its just gonna get worst...but give her some advice be like..."honey be careful" or u know...i dunno.lol
Take me as I am
2007-01-09 17:07:38 · answer #6 · answered by Take me As I am 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You already know why shes acting like this. You should try to explain to her how much her behavior hurts you. You should also make sure that she knows how much you love her. As cliche as it sounds children often believe they are at fault so you need to tell her that the separation had nothing to do with her. You also need to make sure that she knows you love her unconditionally. Finally, do not let her get away with bad behavior. Set ground rules and abide by them. If possible, try to get your husband to agree to support the rules you set for her. She will pull through this. Try to be patient.
2007-01-09 06:24:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My sister is also 14 with my parents divorced and out of control, so we send her to this private school for troubled teens, and she is doing great. A bit pricey but worth it.
2007-01-09 06:39:24 · answer #8 · answered by Reyna 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try and send her to a therapist... My little cousin is a horrible teenage rebel and he sees a therapist who is doing a lot of good with him.
2007-01-09 06:22:54 · answer #9 · answered by debra_dragon 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Bring the father back.
2007-01-09 09:05:51 · answer #10 · answered by robedzombiesoul 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋