My husband and I have been married for a year, we've been together for 6yrs. Its been rocky from the begining. He was separated when we met, the decided to try to work things out with his first wife. meanwhile he was still seeing me. i got pregnant and we had a son. he accused me of cheating and that the baby wasn't his, then when i said i'd had enough he wanted to be with me. the baby was his. and he begged for my forgiveness. he's used to put up personal adds and talk to women. as far as i know he's not doing those things anymore. we used to fight all the time, now we bicker all the time. i'm not happy. i don't know if its just me or if it's "us" should i try marriage counseling. or just walk away. I"m so torn. I love him, but I'm not sure that i"m in love anymore. i'm tired of hurting and wondering and being scared about what to do. i don't want to hurt him, or my kids, but i don't know what to do. any adice would be greatly appreciated. thanks!
2007-01-09 03:40:22 · 20 answers · asked by cinnamonngrl99 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I suggest counseling if you truly want to stay in the marriage with him. I think there are some serious issues that need to be addressed. However, if he refuses counseling, I think you need to get a divorce and find someone who will make you happy.
2007-01-09 03:45:58 · answer #1 · answered by Mr. Smooth 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let's just say I'm riding in the same boat. Never had a problem with personal ads though. One thing I have learned is that men are men. What you need to do is put your foot down. I know...sounds like something someone else would say if there were never in the same situation, but the more you continue to allow things to happen, the more he's prone to continue and think that you're ok with it.
After this relationship and all you have is one child then I suggest you walk away. I have two with my husband and I'm a military wife. Deployments only make some of our situations worse. Had I not had my children then we would be finished. Children tend to make the stay (or departure) painful and love can be the enemy. You can still love him while you are not with him. You can only pray that he will change his ways and see you for the woman that you are. It hurts because you love him yes, but at least you know that if this marriage cannot be saved and you walked away...you gave it your all and that's the best anyone can do.
My wishes to you and your babies. Lord knows marriages are terrible in these years we live. We are all torn.
2007-01-09 03:53:55 · answer #2 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A marriage is always worth saving not knowing what you bicker about but that isn't healthy for either of you. I am divorced and have been for a few years now I often think back and wonder what else I could have done to make it work but after 23 years people change and it was my wife that cheated on me and she had always accused me of that. the only reason i bring that up is the fact he wonders about your loyalty. I can only imagine he is very insecure because he has done and will do the same in the future. I hope you find counseling and it works good luck to you I wish you and your children the best.
2007-01-09 06:32:47 · answer #3 · answered by patriot 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, a good marriage is not easy. It takes work to keep it together. THe fact that you were together so long before you got married is a good thing. Means you two should have some sort of friendship, which is very important because passion comes and goes and the friendship is what holds it all together.
Ask yourself, Do I like him? I mean you may love him but do you like him? Marriage counseling may help. It can't hurt that's for sure.
My BF's husband was in the special forces and she was just regular Army. They went to counseling a few times just to work out any issues before he would get deployed and it's worked great for them, they are on nine years now.
You shouldn't stay married for the kids but you shouldn't leave just because you are butting heads. would say go talk to someone first. Not every marriage can be saved but atleast you would have done your best. Good luck!
2007-01-09 03:50:11 · answer #4 · answered by heartache 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like from the very beginning of your relationship that the trust was never established. You said that he was separated when you first met him and then he went back to his wife, which is an indication that he wanted to keep his options open with you all along. The harshest blow of all I think would be his accusation that you cheated on him and got pregnant with someone elses child, even though he was the one who could not be faithful to you since he went back to his ex-wife. He may have apologized, but the fact that he has double standards is very unfair and breaks the trust.
Another thing about his behavior that troubles me is that he posts online dating profiles and personals ads. Even though you may think he might not be doing this anymore, you have to be careful and remember that he could just be hiding this from you.
The thing that makes me think you should leave him is that you said you are not happy and that the two of you fight all the time. I think mabye you feel begging him would change his behavior and I know from experience because I used to beg men to change their behavior. However, he feels that he has quite a bit of power of you right now because he knows you are unhappy with his behavior, but he continues to do things that upset you.
There has never been any trust in this relationship from the beginning and I think it is best to end it on a happy note. Yes, you could try marriage counseling, but there is no gurantee that this will work either. Honestly I think you could find a great guy who does not have all the baggage your husband had after you get divorced. I do not believe in divorce, but in your case it just sounds like things will not get any better since you have not been happy and there has never been trust in the relationship. After the divorce the two of you can be on friendly terms and this will be better for you son since he will not see the two of you fighting all the time.
2007-01-09 03:52:53 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need Jesus! Most people want to be very judgmental when they first read something about Jesus but have you actually asked His advice? Just try Him out to see if He'll help you. I'm not kidding!
If you choose not to try Jesus then definitely see a marriage counselor. It's worth it! If you try to handle things between the two of you, you'll probably wind up fighting before you resolve the tough issues. By having an arbitrator show you each other's viewpoint you'll come closer to being on the same page.
Bueno suerte!
2007-01-09 03:55:15 · answer #6 · answered by TryingToLearn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow,
You are in a bind girl... I tell you what, my husband and I have been married for 6 mos., dated for 3 years, and I could never forgive him if he truly thought our baby was someone elses. Where is the trust? With your situation, he was with another woman and probably developed trust issues there. As far as happiness goes, if you're not happy with him, and haven't been for a long time, cut the ties and leave. I'm not one for divorce, but everyone deserves to be happy; that includes you! You will always love him, since he is the father of your baby. But, sometimes, relationships aren't worth saving, and to me, it really sounds like this guy doesn't deserve you. Sorry that I can't tell you to save it, but even in your description, you sound so sad and dejected. Please think about this and don't worry, your kids love you no matter what.
2007-01-09 03:50:18 · answer #7 · answered by Shannon Kay 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you guys definitely did not start off on the right foot. He definitely has issues that he needs to deal with. I would always suggest marriage counseling to try and see if things can work out, if you really love him. And if it doesn't work out at least you'll have the right support to show both how to end things without hurting each other. Good luck
2007-01-09 03:46:15 · answer #8 · answered by jaws1013 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WE cannot help who we fall in love with, but we can choose not to be with them.
You knew this situation was hopeless from the start.
He was trying to mend a previous relationship whilst fooling around with you.
Didn't that set the alarm bells ringing?
Then you got pregnant for this jerk.
You are the one with the problem. You know exactly what situation you are in, you know he doesn't really want you for anything other than convenience, so you marry him.
You don't need anyone here to tell you what to do, you know you just need to find the strength to get this waste of time and space out of your life and move on. It's a shame that you had to get a child involved.
You need to get in contact with a local woman's group for support, cause it sounds as if you are not strong enough to handle this on your own.
PS. does he beat you yet?
2007-01-09 03:53:26 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a lot of nerve. You were going with this man when he was still married to his wife--trying to work things out--and now you want sympathy because you don't trust him and your marriage is falling apart. Sorry, but you get no sympathy here. Perhaps you can call your husband's ex-wife and ask her how she dealt with her pain.
BTW: A person who will cheat WITH you will also cheat ON you.
Bummer!
2007-01-09 04:13:20 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋