why does my 12 year old daughter continue lying?

Question

my 12 year old daughter continues to lie about every thing it does not matter what it is. It is like she can not controll it.

Answer 1

Insights for Parents:
Why Children Lie
Lying is a skill all children learn. It is a tool for avoiding blame or punishment, and for shoring up a poor self-image. While all children lie, some do it much more than others. Psychologists who study lying have found patterns that help predict which children will lie the most.

The key difference appears to be the emotional well-being of the child. Children who are chronic liars don't feel good about themselves. Even so, repeated lying can be a sign of several underlying problems, each of which requires a different response from parents.

The most common reasons for lying, particularly among younger children, is a fear of punishment. This is especially true when the punishment is severe or the parents have unrealistically high expectations for their children. For example, a colleague told me about a family she had been counseling. The five-year-old girl's stepfather insisted that she do such things as putting away all her clothes without being asked, and clearing the table after dinner. He punished her if she didn't. The girl would say she had done the chores, even if she'd (predictably) forgotten.

Although the stepfather complained about the girl's lying, the underlying issue was his inappropriate expectations of what a normal five-year-old could do. The child was handling the situation the best way she knew how. Given her limited abilities and powerlessness within the family, lying was actually an adaptive response.

Older school-age children will also lie to enhance their self-esteem and social status. For example, they may claim to have met a particular rock star, actor, or sports figure, or they may exaggerate their parents' wealth. Occasional lies like this are seldom anything to worry about, since they're to be expected in the course of children's games of one-upmanship.

But repeated lies about social status are a sign of trouble. They tell you that the child has a bad attitude about himself. Ask yourself why he might be feeling humiliated or worthless. Is he being ignored? Has he been the butt of jokes, or been belittled?

For older children, chronic lying is often a rebellion against restrictions. It is a way to challenge a parent's authority. Preteens no longer feel they must tell their parents everything they do; they may respond with a lie to what they perceive as an intrusive question.

As they grow older, children realize that the greatest control they can have is the control of information. Generally, the more intrusive or overinvolved parents are, the more likely it is that preadolescents will lie by omitting information. Often they do this blatantly, as if to emphasize their growing need for privacy. "Where did you go?" "Nowhere." What did you do?" "Nothing." "Who was there?" "Nobody you'd know."

A sudden increase in lying can also be a signal that something's wrong in the family. This is especially true if the child is acting out in other ways, such as stealing or committing vandalism. You should pay particular attention if the victims of the thefts or other petty crimes are other family members. Often this is a cry for help that is much louder than his words alone could be.

For example, it's not too unusual when counseling a preadolescent who has done something dramatic and new, such as stealing and crashing the family car, or who has been arrested for burglary, to discover that his parents were contemplating a divorce. Creating this crisis was the only way the child could think of to reunite his parents, if only for the moment. While his motivations were unconscious, his actions addressed his strong needs.

Answer 2

I think that you need to do the same thing to her. You have to make sure she cathesyou in the lies and after a while she is going to ask you why you lie all the time. Tell her you started to lie because you seen how much she liked to lie and that you thought you would give it a go. She is not going to like it when it is done to her so then you can tell her that it is not a good idea to lie because then those you love the most stop believing in you. Tell her the difference between a little white lie and a lie. Tell her it is best to get in trouble for one thing then for two things tell her that the ugliest thing to be known a someone who does not say the truth or just simply enjoys fibbing.. Maybe that might work

Answer 3

I personally think that lying is a cowards way out. The truth is that people lie when they are afraid of the consequences that they may face if they were to tell the truth. Your daughter probably lies to you because she is afraid that if she were to tell you the truth you might get upset and punish her. Little does she know that lying adds fuel to the fire, not the opposite. You might want to try to talk this over with her. Give her some examples of when it is okay (which may be never) and not okay to lie. Try to instill in her that honestly really is the best policy because either way you look at it your bound to find out the truth any way. Try to get her to be more comfortable with you, thus making it easier for her to tell you the truth. Raising a child with good values is hard work and takes a lot of patience, which I hope you have.

I hope this helped! :)

Answer 4

In my experience, a child of that age, who knows the difference between a lie and the truth, only lies for one reason - because they're under pressure, and feel that the truth won't be acceptable to the person to whom they're lying, or that they'll be punished or ridiculed for telling the truth. A child who knows that you will still care about them, and who knows that you won't push them away or ridicule them for telling the truth with not have a hard time telling the truth as a rule. I suggest you look at the situation, and see if you have been demanding more than she can handle. Twelve years old is a very young and vulnerable time to a girl; try to put yourself in her shoes, and understand why she is lying, or it will only get worse.

Answer 5

Yes! You can tell her that you listened & understood, however this wasn't a ultimatum with her winning the day. Your rule still stands! So, sorry... Life isn't always fair. Family comes first & she will be joining you for Christmas at her Aunt's home. This will be only the beginning if you allow her to over rule the house rules! Be the MOM here! There's a time & place for the friendship. However, your daughter doesn't make the rules, friends, holiday's or whatever... or does she? So, what if she is upset. Life is what it is! How about the compromise of having a New Years Eve Slumber Party..? Just don't back off of your house rules!

Answer 6

Perhaps she is a pathological liar and for that there is no amount of help you can get. Life can be very tough for pathological liars.

Normally however people lie because they have a low sense of self-esteem . To make their lives better they lie about their circumstances so they can appear better in their own eyes and in others .

Young children often lie to get out of being punished. Maybe your child has told the truth and still been punished so has decided to lie as she'll still get punished anyway.

Eventually no one will believe her when she says anything and that may get her into some difficult situations she doesn't want to be in like criminal behaviour which could result in jail .

I think you need to get counselling and have her assessed to see if she is indeed a pathological liar.

Answer 7

what is it she is lying about?
is it a serious matter?
do you know for a fact that it is a lie or are you presuming it is a lie because you dont want to believe it?
I have seen parents accuse their children of being liars because the parent did not want to face the truth, make sure this is not you.
and there is also the issue of children following in their role models footsteps do you lie to get yourself out of situations? have you lied to your boss aout why you are not at work? Have you lied to an acquaintance about why you had not called them.?

perhaps your daughter needs some conversation, attention, or self=importance and does not know any other way to get it,

to find out why your daughter is lying you will need to speak to your daughter...

Answer 8

I have a sister that was like that. She felt that it would get her "off the hook" so to speak.What we did was to confront her,not in any harsh way,every time we found her lying and let her know directly that she was lying.The shame of being immediately found to be lying was more than getting angry and overlooking it.that's what helped her curb her ways but every individual is different and thus requires different approaches!!!!

Answer 9

She sees no benefit in telling the truth and no consequences from lying.

Answer 10

because she is at an age where she cant trust you. She feels tha tif she tells you the truth you will get mad at her. Dont worry, trust will come along and she will stop lying when she becomes older