Is this poem good?

Question

"away"


away from worthless crowds
away from disrespectful pain
away into the sunshine
away from undeserved rain

away from obvious lies
away from hypocrisy
away into brighter skies
away from where the spirit dies

away from this prison
away from things beyond any good reason
away into spring during the winter season
away from badly hidden treason

away into restless peace
away into lack of prejudice
away into restless quest
away into solitary arrest

Answer 1

Bravo! Two Thumbs, really up! Keep it goin'. We need all of the Poetry, that we can have. I wanna see a Book, from you some day! Good Luck.

Answer 2

its good... it just needs a concluding line. n i guess you have used the word away quite a lot...cut it down n you have a beautiful poem :)

ex :

away from the worthless crowds
from the disrespectful pain
into the sunshine
and away from the undeserved rain...

away from the obvious lies
and hypocrisy
into the brighter skies
from where the spirit.. never dies..

from this prison
from the things beyond any good reason
and into the spring during the winter season
and away from badly hidden treason... (you can finish it)

hope you didnt mind my editing. its a very good poem!

Answer 3

I agree with most of the answers here. Particularly Duffer's. Filter out all of the "nice" and "good" comments (which are nice and good) and focus on the constructive criticism that will help you grow as a writer.

It's a good start. Keep writing. Someday, three or four years from now, ask yourself the same question you posted about this poem and get your thoughts on it.

Answer 4

This is not poetry ...its prose made into the form of verse.
Your thoughts are sweet and sentimental. You think you have improved upon the level of the greeting card ...but your ryhmes are at the greeting card level. Remember prose lines that ryhme do not make a poem ...
How to be sure that you are wrinting a poem? Take this test:
a poem is a series of magical incantations that can stand on their own if taken out of the context . Pull your best lines out of the poem and see if its a powerful emotion/incantation by itself...as in Shakespear's : "love found, journey's end"....
makes you think about it all day ....if its poetry:) Takes about ten years of writing to get a good line of poetry...I mean one that lasts forever:)

but god bless you for trying...keep it going...for more info please go to greatestlivingpoets.com to get more ideas on real poetry:)

Answer 5

sorry but i think the poem lacks a 'begining' and an 'end'. I would rate it as 5 for the effort and thot.
But hey, the good news is that im not an authority on poems.
cheers

Answer 6

Let me answer your question with a question.

Several questions.

Away from worthless crowds? Does that mean that somewhere (I hope) there are worthy crowds? I wonder.

Away from disrespectful pain? Does that mean that somewhere there is respectful pain? (Now that's harder to imagine, but maybe . . . . Let' see.)

Away from undeserved rain? Does that mean that somewhere there is deserved rain? Or does rain fall alike on the deserving and the undeserving? By the way, is rain always bad and sunshine always good? (Now, I'm getting myself confused? 'Cause I like April better than July. Now, in Florida we get both the sunshine and the rain--sometimes at the same time. Then sometimes we get a hurricane. I like Wisconsin better than Florida--well, for half the year anyway.)

Away from obvious lies? Would inconspicuous lies be better? Away from badly hidden treason? Would well hidden treason be better? (Oops, I'm about to get into politics now. These days there are plenty of obvious lies and badly hidden treason, but I wonder if inconspicuous lies and well hidden treason were better? Is that the difference between George I and George II, by any chance? George I's lies were less obvious. Was his treason simply better hidden? Hmmm)

Away from this prison? (Now this one set me to thinking. Prison? =this body I live in? =this world I live in? =this era I live in? =this society I live in? =2007? Then I read your blog, and I got it. "Nobody truly lives anymore. Everyone is burdened by money, and the government... and it truly is a prison.")

So away from money? into poverty? (Oops, not that far.) Away from government? into anarchy? (That's Iraq, right? Or Darfur? Well, maybe not that far?)

Away into restless peace? Away from restful peace? (No, no, away from restful war? Uh-oh, I'm confused again. Who is this war restful for? Well, Halliburton, I guess. Cheney, maybe. I dunno. The Bush twins, I guess.)

Away into restless quest? Away into solitary arrest? (Maybe that's what respectful pain is all about, right? I dunno. I just dunno.)

Away? Into? What? Where?

Please understand: "I don't want an educated reply to this, I don't want an answer that you received from a college text book... That's not what I'm looking for. I simply mean, I want to know what it's like to have that natural instinct that has been so ground down by civilization. I want to experience living for myself, as every other species on the planet does (aside from domesticated animals) Goddammit, I want my natural defenses BACK."

Wait! I get it!

Away from Dial soap.
Away from your name brand clothing.
Away from McDonald's convenience foods.

Into Silver Creek.
Into homespun, Gandhi's dhoti.
Into Hardee's lo-carb burger
or wildwood honey (without the bees).

Away from shopping mall rhyme.
Into the olden times.
(Nope, older than that.)
Away from civilization.
Earlier even than the Choctaw Nation.
Away from all this modern jinx.
Into natural instincts.

Away from obvious winter.
Into the hidden spring.
Away from the mall.
Into the mud.
Away from this tangle.
Into the jungle.

"Tyger, tyger, burning bright,
in the forests of the night . . . ."

Away from flame,
into flight--er, I mean light!

Hey, bud,
that's all!

"Is this poem good?" You gotta figure that one out for yourself. But pay attention to the Poetman. What he says may be a "pain," but it's "respectful pain." He's right about your rhyme. I've just been working hard to figure out what you mean? Sound is always easier than sense. Rhymes, rhymes, rhymes can be words, words, words. And that ain't a natural instinct.

Keep up your "restless quest." I think that's your poem within "this poem." Your magical incantation. Think about it all day!

Answer 7

Its,definitely to much away!Sounds like your trying to get away,from all the ugliness of the world.But remember without the ugly,you wont appreciate to goodness.. Food for thought.

Answer 8

sweetie! this is a very good poem, and if you do not take thisoff here as soon as you see this , it could be someone elses song soon! i am a singer and people steal and even re-work other peoples poems, and songs. please cope right this! do a poor mans copy right by sending a copy of this poem to yourself from your self , a post mark is what proves it is yours, now i am sure you do not want to hear your poem being sung by someone you do not know , without getting a dime for it! please sweetie, get this off today. good luck and GOD BLESS.

Answer 9

That poem is really good but u do not need anybodys opinion because if u like it that is all that matters

Answer 10

Honestly it's not that great, but thats just my opinion, but everyone started somewhere, keep writing and you can only get better.