What do your think about this non-love poem ?

Question

(everyone seems to be posting love poems only... thought i'll share something new )
and maybe you can add to it ? it would interesting...at least to me ☻
The honorable chef

I staved
In a kitchen
Full of food.
Not meant for
Me
But were another’s lot
If I had just a mouth
Of the substance
Made for gods
I would’ve lived an extra day
So I died in a kitchen
Full of food.

Lol
maybe i should tell how i came up with this poem ? : i worked as a chef and once had to help cook for a very big event and was starving and well i snacked on the food and thought of this =)
does it make sense now ?

Answer 1

quite weird

Answer 2

In the first line, I think "staved" is a typo; you mean "starved." Consider removing the period at the end of the third line so that the first five lines flow in one continuous thought. Put a period after the word "Me." The sixth line down doesn't quite read right; I think the poem is strong enough without it. Consider deleting it. The seventh line would sound better if it said "If I had just a morsel" or "If I had just a mouthful". In the next-to-the-last line, consider changing "So" to "But" to show that in fact the speaker didn't have a mouthful of the food.

It's a striking piece of irony on the topic of starvation in a land of plenty. It's a good metaphor. I think these few technical changes would make it stronger.

Answer 3

In the immortal(?) words of Arte Johnson (of 60's Laugh-In fame) Very Interesting!!!

Answer 4

Hmmm?! Errr...quite odd.

Answer 5

Really strange. You have issues!

Answer 6

cool

Answer 7

i like it!