Okay. This poem.. does anyone like it?

Question

Give me some constructive criticism if you know enough about poetry to do so. Otherwise, whether you like it or not is enough for me. :)

He sits at the desk again
grasps the pen
with intentions of a sonnet
but forgets once more
in staring at the door
she is gone

He glances at the empty place
her things packed in a case
and closes his eyes
the unbearable stillness
upon him like an illness
she is gone

He reaches out
with a shout
in the night
and feels nothing near
it’s now becoming clear
she is gone

He sits at the table
built sturdy and stable
while everything else is broken
She left him just that-
the table at which they sat
she is gone

He sings their song
but something’s wrong
he can’t sing it alone
It was the first and last dance
for the lovers in a trance
she is gone

I know it isn't quite there yet. help?

Answer 1

I love it. I real poem. To be honest, When I saw the heading I thought to myself "Sweet, a stupid emo kid with a stupid emo suicide poem for me to poke fun at". But it's excellent! It's not very often that you run into people writing real poetry instead of a suicide note. It's glorious that you're able to capture his emotions without sounding like a whinny dipshit. I really really like:
He sits at the table
built sturdy and stable
while everything else is broken.
Beautiful, keep it up.

Answer 2

I liked some things to it, the overall message and the way you present it. A few things could be changed though. It seems to me, and this is just me, I'm not a poet or anything, just my personal opinion, but it seems to me like the language you use doesn't always match the tone and that the lines vary too much in length. That can often be used well and for emphasis, but to me it isn't the case and it seems awkward. I would give this a 7/10...not that I really feel poetry and art should have things fixed to it like 'values', 'ratings' and the worst- prices. But thats what I'd hypothetically give it if I didn't believe that...

Answer 3

This poem is very well It`s an honest confession many human beings placed on mask of a few varieties. The faults lie contained in the society we favor to be careful each now and then. This mask isn't a hide It`s only a camouflage to guard us.

Answer 4

I think it is pretty creative. Something people can relate to, a broken heart. Not too simple but not too profound. I wouldnt have finished the whole thing is it wasnt interesting. I give it an 8/10

Answer 5

Very well done!!! As a poet and someone who just recently ended their marriage i can totally feel this man's pain. You may want to add on how maybe he sees hope that one day love will find him again. But otherwise...very well done!!!

Answer 6

It does need some work, but I like it.

Answer 7

Good

Answer 8

hmm I like it.. dunno how to help sorry